22. You are standing alongside your bride to be at the pulpit
and you begin experiencing
“second thoughts”. Do you A) Calmly collect your
thoughts and gaze deeply into her beautiful
eyes and realize that you love her very much and are doing the right
thing. B) Remember that
magical word “Divorce”. C) Remember that her dad is packin,
and that you’d better go through
with it cuz, after all, you’re the one who got her knocked up.
D) You don’t really have second
thoughts because you are totally plastered out of your mind and don’t
even have the slightest
idea who she is, what she really looks like, or if she’s really even
a woman! E) Remember that
magical word: “Murder”
23. Your dear mother (bless her heart of hearts) is voicing
concerns that the music you
listen to is corrupting your mind. Do you A) Remember
the First Commandment: “Honor thy
Father and Thy Mother” and agree to stop listening to such trash and
take up Peter, Paul and
Mary an crocheting. B) Come to a compromise: You’ll
cut down on the music if they quit their
bitching. C) Tell mom it’s not a bad influence, and go
back to cleaning the crusted blood out
of your gat with your switchblade, but try to cut down on illegal activities,
or at least the
felonies. D) Tell your mother, in all your rebellious Homie
Gangsta egotism, “Shuddup, bitch,
Ah be lisnin’ ta Dahctah Dre, an’ you bettah nat be frontin no mo’,
ho, cuz I gonna bust a cap
in yo’ ass.” E) Remember that magical word: “Murder”.
24. You and a friend are playing Monopoly (TM) and you notice
that he’s not playing
entirely fair. Do you A) Keep on playing fairly,
and hope he’ll see the error of his ways and
reform. B) Ask him politely to stop cheating, and if he
doesn’t, start cheating on him, and
giggle like a school girl at your naughtiness. C) Confront
him calmly and inform him that if he
doesn’t play fair that your going to shove his thimble up his ass.
D) In a fit of uncontrollable
rage, throw the board from the table, scattering community chest cards
and properties in all
directions, beat him within an inch of his life, kick him out of your
house, shoot hotels and
houses at him with a slingshot from then on, and become a bitter old
recluse and die without
any friends, alone and angry. E) Remember that magical
word: “Murder”.
25. Some friends are pressuring you to do heroin.
Do you A) Just Say NO! and report
them to the authorities. B) Just Say NO! and then mess
with them while they’re high. C) Say
“Maybe” and run off to cry to mommy. D) Say, “What?
Why only one syringe?” E) Remember that
magical word: “Murder”.
26. Your father just remarried, and the situation is rather
like the “Brady Bunch”.
One day, you walk in on your new sister, who is naked. Several
thoughts cross your mind such as
“HOOO BABY!” and “WOW! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HER...”.
Do you A) Avert your eyes immediately
and leave the room embarrassed and apologize later. B)
Peek quickly, and leave, feeling a
little ashamed. C) Ogle her like the hot object she is.
D) Reach out with both hands, squeeze,
and make the “Honk, honk!” noise. E) Remind her that she’s
not really related to you, and flex.
F) Remember those magical words: “Murder” and “Necrophelia”.
27. You’ve just purchased a really boss new stereo system.
Do you A) Do Eenie Meenie
Miney Mo to decide whether to play Bach, Beethoven, Tchaichovski, or
Vivaldi first. B) Crank
the Star Wars theme eighteen times. C) Put on Hendrix’s
National Anthem and turn up the volume
till the walls bleed. D) Play any CD with a cover depicting
ritual satanic sacrifices on the
cover. E) Put on a recording of your neighbors making whoopee
and look at porn mags for three
hours.
28. You are out driving and some jerk cuts you off.
Do you A) Grumble a bit about
inconsiderate persons and put on an easy listening station to calm
down. B) Take down his
license number and report him to the Fuzz. C) Speed up
and return the favor, adding a rude hand
gesture and a vulgar remark about his mother. D) Run the
bastard off the road and laugh.
E) Speed up, get the trusty ol’ double barreled shotgun out of
the back, shoot out his tires,
windows, and engine, drag him out of his car by his hair, shoot out
his knees, spit in his eyes,
chop off his toes and force him to eat them, blow his brain out the
back of his thick skull, set
his body on fire, and use his license number to hunt down relatives.
29. A kind, trusting, strikingly handsome friend lets you
borrow a story he wrote in
good faith that it will be returned promptly. Do you A)
Read the story and give it back as
soon as you’re finished, complimenting his obvious skill. B)
Read it, and then give it back a
couple days later with an apology for keeping it so long. C)
Read part of it, lose it for
several weeks, and eventually return it in poor condition without an
apology. D) Read it and
continually forget to return it for no good reason at all, so its owner
becomes increasingly
agitated. E) Read it, and have it conveniently disappear
while you pretend to have what is
supposedly “mono” which you recover from conveniently right before
prom, and then still not
return the story so that the owner finally snaps, and stalks you for
several days before killing
and maiming you, and then hunting down your family and friends, and
when that doesn’t appease him,
decides to slaughter anyone who has anything at all to do with you
in any way, shape, or form,
and then laughs and laughs and laughs because he got the last laugh
and your crushed and mangled
body is resting in a shallow, unmarked grave in some manure-covered
field somewhere, and your
rotten soul is burning eternally in hell, where you are tortured forever
and ever and ever,
knowing that if you had only returned that damn story that you’d be
alive and well right now,
living a happy life, unless of course you had “mono” or something,
and God forbid that should
ever happen, because you’ve never done anything wrong in your life
except for not having the
common human decency to return things to their rightful owner, who
is right now sneaking up
behind you with a huge machete and is about to plunge it repeatedly
into your back, severing
muscles and ligaments and destroying vital organs such as your vile
black heart, and will be
very pleased with himself as you die slowly at his feet, bleeding on
the carpet and gasping to
get one last breath into your slashed-to-ribbons lungs because he knows
that he might get his s
tory back now, and that he actually did you a small favor because now,
by God, you’re never
gonna get “mono” again because you’ve paid the price for your transgression
and that price was,
you guessed it, death. F) Run for the border. (For
Cathy).
30. You are in a shoe store, and you see a pair of ridiculously
expensive shoes that
don’t have one of those little alarm tags on them. Do you
A) Take the shoes to the clerk and
explain that they don’t have a tag. B) Make a mental note
of it and tell the clerk if you
remember on your way out. C) Put the shoes on, and spend
many minutes trying to decide if you
should take them, but finally decide not to because then you’d have
to explain where you got
them to your mother. D) Put them on and walk out of the
store. E) Put them on and use them
to kick the clerk’s face in, then steal all the money in the store,
brutally slaughter any
opposition, rob everyone present, grab several more pairs of ridiculously
expensive shoes and
make a break for it, running that much faster because they’re actually
pretty damn good shoes.