12. You’re under extreme peer pressure to drink and drive.
Do you A) Drive and not
drink. B) Drink and not drive. C) Get a mild
buzz and be extremely careful. D) Get more
than a little buzz, and drive. E) Get smashed out of your
mind, grab the keys, peel out of the
parking lot and haul ass at ninety-seven miles an hour through a 15
mph school zone at three
o’clock with the radio blaring “Another One Bites the Dust,” and the
town’s entire police force
in hot pursuit as you plow through the masses of children leaving school,
only to loose control
of your vehicle, sail over the edge of a huge gorge, and plummet to
your fiery death below.
13. You have 17 cents in your left pocket and 46 in your
right. Do you A) Realize
you’ve got 63 cents. B) Realize you’ve got two pockets.
C) Realize that, had you not quit
your job last week to live life as a carefree drifter, that you’d have
more. D) Jump for joy
at the realization that you’ve just effectively doubled what you thought
your entire life savings
was. E) Realize you’d better figure out whose pants you’re
wearing. F) Rob the bum down the
street from you to triple your life savings.
14. You’ve got a hugely massive final exam. Your entire
academic future hangs in the
balance. The pressure to cheat is incredible, and making it worse
is the fact that the teacher
has exited the room, leaving the key on his desk not three feet from
your eyes. Do you A) Not
look at all, trusting in what meager intelligence you possess.
B) Only glance at one or two
answers, and then only when you are absolutely stumped. C)
Copy all the answers. D) Forget
about the test and stare, drooling at that really magnificently drop-dead-gorgeous
chick in the
midriff tanktop shirt and really tight shorts who sits in the front
row, and who doesn’t know you
even exist, and wouldn’t give the likes of you the time of day if she
did know you existed.
E) Realize that by not studying, you’ve completely shot to hell
your academic future, and as a
result will probably wind up in some dead-end burger flipping job in
a filthy truck stop that’s
under constant surveillance from the health inspectors, and will gradually
sink into a bottomless
black pit of self-loathing and depression that will most likely end
only when you OD on someone
else’s expired prescription medication and die slowly in a pool of
ninety proof cheap vodka and
your own urine, shunned by society and forgotten by everyone you ever
cared about.
15. You and a friend decide to play a game. Do you
choose A) A rousing game of
Trivial Pursuit followed by an extended, involved game of chess.
B) Poker. C) Candy Land,
because it is so intellectually stimulating. D) Strip Twister.
E) Russian Roulette
F) Russian Roulette with a shotgun.
16. You have an evening to watch television by yourself.
Do you A) Watch The Learning
Channel. B) Watch a cliché family sitcom.
C) Watch The Thong Bikini Contest Marathon on ESPN.
D) Realize you can’t watch anything but snow because you neglected
to pay your cable bill.
E) Say to yourself “Screw TV”, and go outside to get stoned.
17. You are driving and you see a little old lady crossing
the street. Do you A) Brake
gently to a stop. B) Keep going, but slow down a bit, trusting
that she’ll get across safely.
C) Keep going like you don’t see her and swerve at the last humanly
possible instant. D) Do
everything in your power to send her into fear-induced seizures in
the street. E) Speed up and
see how far she’ll fly when your car slams into her, cuz pedestrians
are worth 500 points!
18. You are at an important business meeting involving the
merging of your company and
another. Your career and future hang in the balance. You
notice a comically green blob of mucus
hanging tenaciously from the nose of the other company’s president.
Do you A) Ignore it.
B) Give a pointed, but discreet glance to him, and scratch your
own nose, politely indicating
the offensive nose ooze without embarrassing anyone. C)
Pass a hankie. D) Point and snicker.
E) Yell across the table “Dear Lord, man! You’ve
got one whoppin hell of a booger hangin’
outta your nose! Can’t you feel that?!?” F) Run out
of the building screaming and clutching
your head because you don’t know what to do.
19. The unbelievably gorgeous sex-goddess supermodel who
lives across the street is
undressing in front of an open window. You’ve got a very good
view. Do you A) Call her and
inform her that her curtains are open to spare her any embarrassment.
B) Close your own curtains
out of common courtesy and decency. C) Take a little peek
and giggle pervertedly to yourself.
D) Watch her as you drool on your shoe and fantasize about her,
you, and bondage equipment.
E) Get out the telescope, binoculars and call your buddies.
F) Bust out the recording
equipment. Can you say “blackmail”?
20. Your boss is out of town. The person he left in
charge isn’t exactly Einstein, if
you know what I mean. Do you A) Work extra hard to
impress the boss when he gets back.
B) Go about business as usual. C) Call your pals
and have fun with the “petty cash”.
D) Wipe his hard drive and all his disks and blame it on an “isolated
magnetic anomaly”.
E) Steal all the computer equipment, money, office supplies and
files, and make for the border.