2. You wake up one morning to find you have no clean underwear.
Do you A) Gather all
dirty laundry and wash it B) Find least smelly, dingy pair and wear it C) Wear no underwear
D) Borrow your sister’s. Ooh! Silk! E) Stay home, sobbing quietly to yourself in confusion
and remorse because you don’t have any change to operate the washing machine. F) Go buck nekkid.
3. You receive $1.50 extra in change at the store.
Do you A) Give it back B) Spend
at least ten minutes in intense internal conflict as you strive to reach a decision, finally
deciding after straining to decide what to do that you will put the change in your pocket and
walk as casually as possible out of the store, praying to God, Jesus, Buddha, and miscellaneous
other deities that the security camera didn’t catch you. C) Put the dough in your pocket and
leave, no second thoughts, no remorse. D) Whip out your ball-point pen and press it to the
clerk’s throat, threatening to push it through his/her flabby little neck if he/she does not fork
over the rest of the cash, pronto, and I ain’t shittin’ ya. E) Giggle to yourself because the
money you paid with was counterfeit. Stupid nimrod. F) Perform choice E but with the little
added touch of blowing the clerk away and cleaning out the store.
4. Some inconsiderate bastard is dating the chick you like.
He rubs it in all the time.
Do you A) Ignore him and his immaturity, hoping that she will wake up and realize what a prick
he is and what a nice guy you are. B) Write bad poetry about it C) Spread rumors involving
the following volatile combination: Him, his siblings, and icky venereal diseases. D) Hire a
hit man to wipe out him, all his relatives, and anyone who even so much as looks like he has the
audacity to even consider thinking about daring to ask her out. E) Strap him naked to a bed of
rusty nails, burn the word RAPIST into his forehead, shatter his kneecaps, pull out his toenails
with pliers, maim his testicles with a ball peen hammer, and knock out his molars.
5. You and a friend are alone in your house and find your
father’s three-fifty-seven and
a supply of ammunition. The weapon is loaded. Do you A) Not even touch it, tell your father
about it, and suggest the entire family have a long, detailed discussion on gun safety. B) Pick
it up and admire it for the beautiful piece of weaponry that it is, making sure that the safety
is on and that you don’t point it at anybody. C) Take turns pretending to shoot one another.
D) “Accidentally” shoot various object in your house, i.e. walls, shelves, the floor, windows,
aerosol cans of spray paint, Ming Dynasty vases, the cat, etc. E) Cap your friend, steal his
wallet, clean the house out, steal you parents’ car, and go have FUN!
6. You discover you have a terminal illness and will expire
tomorrow, late at night
(eleven-ish). Do you A) Pay off debts, make peace with enemies, give your money to charity,
and spend your last hours on earth with family and friends in a loving environment. B) Repent,
repent, repent! C) Take out frustration on your family and friends, and die alone and bitter.
D) Hold a group of scientists hostage with an AK-47 and make them cure you or, by God, you’ll
take ‘em all with ya. E) Go on a wild, seven state crime spree involving theft, murder, drug
abuse, arson, rape, and all that good stuff, not even realizing you’re dead because you were so
blitzed when the Fuzz riddled you with bullets.
7. You’re parents allow you to go to your first big, late
night party. They are not
aware that there will be no (responsible) adult supervision, and that many kegs shall be
liberated of their contents. You get hammered off your ass and realize you are up shitcreek
without a paddle, or even a boat. Do you A) Get a responsible person who managed to cling to
sobriety to drive you home, where you explain what happened through the mind-numbing alcoholic
haze and promise, swearing upon seven or eight Holy Bibles (which you pronounce as “Holy
Budweisers”) that you will never be so incredibly daft (which you pronounce as “draft”) again,
and puke. B) Get a ride home, sneak into the house, and go to bed as quietly as possible,
praying that your parents don’t awaken and that the inevitable hangover isn’t too noticeable.
C) Drive yourself home, and sneak in, provided you don’t fold your dad’s fully restored ‘67
Mustang (red exterior, black leather interior) around an oak tree, or, God forbid, a cop.
D) Spend the night at your friend’s house and make up some wild excuse the next day. E) Don’t
worry about it, have another six or seven (teen) rounds, and lapse into a deep, alcohol-induced
coma in your friend’s bathtub, only showing signs of life when you vomit, and when your body
ejects the pitiful, decimated remains of your liver.
8. Your parents are out of town for a few days, and you
take the opportunity to hold a
little “get-together” with about fifty of your friends. Things get out of hand. Sirens of all
types are abundant. Damages are estimated in the six-digit range. Do you A) Clean up the
house (or what’s left of it), and explain to your parents what happened in a calm and collected
manner, and promise to work days and nights until the damage to the neighborhood is paid off.
B) Clean up everything, feign ignorance about what you couldn’t fix. C) Tell your parents that
everybody and their mother just barged in when they heard that they were out of town and that you
were outnumbered and unable to stop it. D) Let them hear about it on national news, if they
don’t figure it out from the mess. E) Burn the remains of the neighborhood to the ground, and
run away to join the circus.
9. You are walking downtown one night and a scantily clad
lady asks if you want a “date”.
You know exactly what she means. Do you A) Politely say “No thank you”, smile in a polite
manner and continue on your way. B) Ignore her and speed up. C) Yell “Filthy whore! Remove
thine promiscuous and sinful self from my presence!” and spit on her. D) Take her up on her
offer and pay the appropriate fee. E) Accept her offer right there on the sidewalk and shoot
her afterward so you don’t have to pay.
10. You are backing out of your driveway on a stormy day,
and you run over and kill you
neighbor’s cat, which had sought refuge from the storm under your car. Your neighbor loves the
cat more than life itself. Do you A) Respectfully take the cat’s remains, wrapped in a silk
cloth, to your neighbor, humbly explain what happened in a compassionate manner, and ask how you
might make amends. B) Put the mangled feline corpse in your trunk wrapped in a plastic tarp,
and call your neighbor when you get back and tell what happened. C) When you remember, mail the
cat’s rotting corpse second class with a crayon-on-Post-It-Note letter that say’s “Hit your cat,
my bad. Sorry”, and no return address. D) Beep your horn repeatedly and yell “Hey, your stupid
animal killed itself on my new goddamn tires! Get over here and clean out my treads!”
E) Perform Satanic sacrificial rituals with the cat’s corpse and your neighbor’s.
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