The Syrup Incident
an internal
dialogue
BRAIN: Alright,
everyone! I’m getting some weird signals from the Idiot
Cortex. Can I get reports here?
EYES: Nothing out of the ordinary. The skinny one has gone
away somewhere.
BRAIN: Where? Bathroom?
EYES: No, he headed the other way.
EARS: He said something about Food-4-Less.
EYES: Wait, he’s back. He’s got something in a bag…he’s
opening it…it’s syrup.
BRAIN: But we’re in a restaurant. Why would he need syrup
here? Doesn’t this place have its own supply? Something
fishy’s going on here. Idiot cortex! Report immediately!!
IDIOT CORTEX: No! I’m running the show now!
BRAIN: What? Oh shit! I’m being overridden!
IDIOT CORTEX: HA HA HA!
BRAIN: You bastard!!
HANDS: Um, Brain? The Idiot Cortex is making us pick up one
of the bottles!
BRAIN: There isn’t even any food here! What the hell is
going on here?
HANDS: We’re taking the top off now. We’re…oh GOD!
BRAIN: Is he…? No! Oh, NO!!! STOP! STOP!
MOUTH: It’s coming closer! Brain, make the hands stop!
STOMACH: Guys?
BRAIN: STOP!!!
HANDS: We can’t! We’re sorry!
IDIOT CORTEX: HA!
MOUTH: It’s here!! It’s he-
TONGUE: Oh, God!! It’s too sweet!
BRAIN: Throat! Close now! Don’t let him-
STOMACH: OH SHIT!!
BRAIN: What the hell is doing?!?
THROAT: He’s not letting me close! I want to, but I can’t!
TEETH: Ooh, tingly! Wheee!
IDIOT CORTEX: Puppets, all of you!
STOMACH: Oh God! It just keeps coming!
MOUTH: I’m so sorry! I can’t-
BRAIN: Oh, you bastard! You vile bastard!
HEART: Brain, help! I’m out of control!
BRAIN: Just hang in there, man!
IDIOT CORTEX: DANCE, PUPPETS!!!
THROAT: PLEASE LET ME CLOSE!!!
STOMACH: My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?!?
TEETH: Oh no! We’re melting! Meeeeeelting!!
EYES: It’s almost gone!
HEART: I’m gonna blow!!!
BRAIN: Oh, I’m sorry! I’m-I can’t-
HANDS: Are we having a seizure? We can’t stop shaking!
THROAT: I’m collapsing! YAY!
GAG REFLEX: I got here as soon as I could! There were
blocks up all over the place!
STOMACH: Is it over?
IDIOT CORTEX: NO!! KEEP GOING!! I DEMAND IT!!
BRAIN: Hooray! I’ve got control back! Hands!
Drop that bottle!
HANDS: So shaky…
EYES: Holy shit! He drank nearly the whole thing!
PANCREAS: I think I’m going into some kind of shock, here.
SKIN: I tingle all over!
STOMACH: It’s hell down here, boss! Permission to purge?
MOUTH, TONGUE, THROAT: NO! DON’T SEND IT BACK!!
BRAIN: I’d let you, but the Idiot Cortex has somehow disabled the
purge systems. Sorry, stomach. Looks like you’re stuck with
it.
STOMACH: Aw, man.
IDIOT CORTEX: HA HA! SUFFER, FOOLS!
PANCREAS: Dudes, I really think something’s wrong.
BRAIN: Sit tight, pancreas. There’s nothing we can do about
it now.
HEART: Oh, man, I’m so tired…so very tired…just a little nap…
BRAIN: NO!!!
HEART: So tired…
HANDS: We’re doing something again! What’s up?
EYES: We’re closed. Not gonna open.
STOMACH: Oh, woe is me!
BRAIN: It’s the Idiot Cortex again…he’s doing something…
LUNGS, THROAT, MOUTH: OH GOD! It’s the smoke! The
smoke!
ADDICTION CENTER: Oh yeah! I’m in flavor country!
BRAIN: I can’t deal with this shit anymore. I’m outta here.