On Jupiter, Earth, Mars and Venus,
Everybody's
Talkin' 'Bout My Penis
I have got the real thing, psychedelic, mojo
penis.
And boy am I
proud, proud, proud!! My penis is the answer to all existential
questions. My penis is God. My penis can drink your head into
the
toilet. My penis dresses like a Jew but acts like Nick
Spacek.
Nobody
can touch my penis. No one can stop the rock. My penis
has got its
swerve on all over and is ready to smack all your put-downs.
My penis
is so greased up and slippery that even if you were fast enough to
run
it down and bold enough to grab hold of it, it would slide right
through your fist. My penis is incalculable to the human
calculator. I can
laugh and fart and launch nuclear missiles from my penis. The
reign of
hell fire is near. My penis is coming to get you and there's
not a
goddamn thing you can do to impede it in the slightest.
My penis is
a
manifesto. My penis smells like turpentine and tastes like German
chocolate. My penis talks trash and can out wrestle your penis,
to the
ground, any day of the week, especially Friday. My penis knows
judo
and Tai Kwan Fu and wears a bad-ass pair of dark
sunglasses.
The secret to
your success, livelihood and future well-being is perfectly hidden
within the confined depth of my penis's insides. My penis is
the
reason old women can't walk the street at night. My penis
is what's getting
us all through these days of germs, turmoil, auto mechanics named
'Carl'
and heterosexuality. My penis is the essence of any postmodern
critique of rationality, universal truth and the Western
intellectual
tradition.
My penis is a hook in the side of everyone's face. My penis knows
the
score. My penis is the solution to all of the social problems
confronting modern American society. My penis greases the gridlock.
Accept my penis as your personal Lord and savior, even if it does have
to blow its nose every once in a while. My penis is what makes
the
geraniums grow and the the zoo monkeys masturbate. My penis
transcends
the limitations of time and space in this universe. My penis
is the
impenetrable penetrator. The perpetual juggernaut. My penis
can get
down on it like a mofo. My penis has your name tattooed all over it.
Optimo Devo Boudelaire Extrordinaire. My penis has the
fury.
My penis
is the fury. My penis trips like we do when we have fun. My penis
causes climatological phenomenon on small island countries in the
Indian Ocean. My penis knows how to enjoy the surface. My penis
is the
flaming cherubim of truth. My penis is the end at which all
things
aim. My
penis will get up in your face and burn your nostril hairs with its
onion stench. Scared people huddle in dark corners, in the wee
hours
of the night, contemplating the complex infinity that is my penis,
hoping
to God that it won't, at this very moment, descend into the night and
rain down fury on the innocent and unsuspecting. A thousand bulky
men
in loin cloths could not, in their wildest aspirations, hope to gird
or
restrain my penis, in all its immensity and hypertone. My penis
has
got game. My penis is a political animal. It is the pillar of
justice and
equality on which modern humanity leans in order to keep from
collapsing with exhaustion. My penis is morality in an immoral
society. My penis
is the law. My penis is a dialectical complex of counterveiling
forces. I would not suggest that you try to play my penis like a steel
guitar
or a game of Monopoly, because it won't have any of that. My
penis is a
superstar. It hists grand slam homeruns in the bottom of the
ninth
inning while simultaneously wrestling crocodiles and crocheting
potholders. My penis is enamored with enamor. My penis
has lyrical
profundity. There shall be an uprising in which no one will be
able to
stand in the way. And the down-trodden proletariat, the wretched
of
the earth, and the homely, sexually frustrated, middle-aged women of
the
world will run to my penis for comfort.
Rest assured that one
and all
will be comforted. My penis is even better than the real thing.
My
penis is the most universal of all moral principles, the highest of
all
hierarchal ends and the most succinct categorical imperative.
Bow down
to my penis and be eternally happy. My penis can stop Steve Winwood,
Davy Spillane, Jim Capaldi and Mike Dolan. My penis is the holiest
of
the holio. The ineffable F. Your worst nightmare and
sweetest
daydream. Cast off free will, submit to your urges and follow
my penis
into oblivion. My penis whispers confidential secrets to me in
the
darkness of the still night hours. Secrets about love and
betrayal
and
the end of the world. No one listens to my penis or cares what
it has
to say, except me. But the day will come when all of that will
change.
It is a mistake not to listen to or accept the pedagogy of my
penis.
A
mistake for which many, in the not so distant future, shall dearly
pay.
Those who would call into question the validity of my penis's authority
shall be struck down immediately by its mighty hand. And you know you
can't touch my penis, so you might as well not even try. My penis is
John Doe #2, the Unabomber, the One-armed man, the six-fingered man,
the man on the grassy knoll, Batman, Santa Clause, the tooth fairy,
the
Easter bunny, Hanukkah Hairy, Peter Pan, James Bond, the
cigarette-smoking man, Kaiser Sose, and John fucking Galt. My penis
is
a hero. It makes the world feel like a natural woman. My penis sees
the
distance through hazy eyes. My penis is the final frontier. My penis
is
the super duper verve swerve. Extraordinary in all of its splendor.
The penis to end all penises. Cocked (pun very much intended) and rarin
to
go. Who's got da penis? I've got the penis. My penis is here
to stay
and don't you forget it. Keep your doors locked at night. It
isn't a
bad idea at all considering the fact that we live in a society where
crime is a serious problem, especially in larger cities.