On Jupiter, Earth, Mars and Venus, Everybody's Talkin' 'Bout My Penis
     I have got the real thing, psychedelic, mojo penis. And boy am I proud, proud, proud!! My penis is the answer to all existential questions. My penis is God.  My penis can drink your head into the toilet.  My penis dresses like a Jew but acts like Nick Spacek.  Nobody can touch my penis.  No one can stop the rock.  My penis has got its swerve on all over and is ready to smack all your put-downs.  My penis is so greased up and slippery that even if you were fast enough to run
it down and bold enough to grab hold of it, it would slide right through  your fist.  My penis is incalculable to the human calculator.  I can laugh and fart and launch nuclear missiles from my penis.  The reign of hell fire is near.  My penis is coming to get you and there's not a goddamn thing you can do to impede it in the slightest.

    My penis is a manifesto. My penis smells like turpentine and tastes like German chocolate.  My penis talks trash and can out wrestle your penis, to the ground, any day of the week, especially Friday.  My penis knows judo and  Tai Kwan Fu and wears a bad-ass pair of dark sunglasses.  The secret to your success, livelihood and future well-being is perfectly hidden within the confined depth of my penis's insides.  My penis is the reason  old women can't walk the street at night.  My penis is what's getting us  all through these days of germs, turmoil, auto mechanics named 'Carl' and heterosexuality.  My penis is the essence of any postmodern critique  of rationality, universal truth and the Western intellectual tradition. My penis is a hook in the side of everyone's face.  My penis knows the score.  My penis is the solution to all of the social problems confronting modern American society. My penis greases the gridlock.

Accept my penis as your personal Lord and savior, even if it does have to blow its nose every once in a while.  My penis is what makes the geraniums grow and the the zoo monkeys masturbate.  My penis transcends the limitations of time and space in this universe.  My penis is the impenetrable penetrator.  The perpetual juggernaut.  My penis can get down on it like a mofo. My penis has your name tattooed all over it. Optimo Devo Boudelaire Extrordinaire.  My penis has the fury. 

My penis is the fury. My penis trips like we do when we have fun.  My penis causes climatological phenomenon on small island countries in the Indian Ocean.  My penis knows how to enjoy the surface. My penis is the flaming cherubim of truth.  My penis is the end at which all things aim.  My penis will get up in your face and burn your nostril hairs with its onion stench.  Scared people huddle in dark corners, in the wee hours of the night, contemplating the complex infinity that is my penis, hoping to God that it won't, at this very moment, descend into the night and rain down fury on the innocent and unsuspecting.  A thousand bulky men in loin cloths could not, in their wildest aspirations, hope to gird or restrain my penis, in all its immensity and hypertone.  My penis has got game. My penis is a political animal.  It is the pillar of justice and equality on which modern humanity leans in order to keep from collapsing with exhaustion.  My penis is morality in an immoral society.  My penis is the law.  My penis is a dialectical complex of counterveiling forces. I would not suggest that you try to play my penis like a steel guitar or a game of Monopoly, because it won't have any of that.  My penis is a superstar.  It hists grand slam homeruns in the bottom of the ninth inning while simultaneously wrestling crocodiles and crocheting potholders.  My penis is enamored with enamor.  My penis has lyrical profundity.  There shall be an uprising in which no one will be able to
stand in the way.  And the down-trodden proletariat, the wretched of the earth, and the homely, sexually frustrated, middle-aged women of the world will run to my penis for comfort.

Rest assured that one and all will be comforted.  My penis is even better than the real thing. My penis is the most universal of all moral principles, the highest of all
hierarchal ends and the most succinct categorical imperative.  Bow down to my penis and be eternally happy. My penis can stop Steve Winwood, Davy Spillane, Jim Capaldi and Mike Dolan. My penis is the holiest of the holio.  The ineffable F.  Your worst nightmare and sweetest daydream.  Cast off free will, submit to your urges and follow my penis into oblivion.  My penis whispers confidential secrets to me in the darkness of the still night hours.  Secrets about love and betrayal and the end of the world.  No one listens to my penis or cares what it has to say, except me.  But the day will come when all of that will change.
It is a mistake not to listen to or accept the pedagogy of my penis.  A mistake for which many, in the not so distant future, shall dearly pay. Those who would call into question the validity of my penis's authority shall be struck down immediately by its mighty hand. And you know you can't touch my penis, so you might as well not even try. My penis is John Doe #2, the Unabomber, the One-armed man, the six-fingered man, the man on the grassy knoll, Batman, Santa Clause, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, Hanukkah Hairy, Peter Pan, James Bond, the cigarette-smoking man, Kaiser Sose, and John fucking Galt. My penis is a hero. It makes the world feel like a natural woman. My penis sees the distance through hazy eyes. My penis is the final frontier. My penis is the super duper verve swerve. Extraordinary in all of its splendor. The penis to end all penises. Cocked (pun very much intended) and rarin to go. Who's got da penis?  I've got the penis. My penis is here to stay
and don't you forget it. Keep your doors locked at night.  It isn't a bad idea at all considering the fact that we live in a society where crime is a serious problem, especially in larger cities.