Oh, God
I know that God is real.  How do I know?  Because He talks to me.  He comes into my room at night and tells me that He loves me.  And we talk and He tells me how I should spread His word to everyone.  And He tells me to be good and Christian and nice to people.  He’s a swell Joe.  And then one day when I was at the mall to buy a rainstick and a mean man pushed me and told me to get out of his way.  And then God talked to me. This caught me off guard a wee bit.  He had never talked to
me during the day before.  So anyway, God said that that man was bad.  He said that the man was Satan’s Bitch (I blushed when He said that) and so he was evil.  And then God said tha t if I really loved Him, I would send Satan’s Bitch back to hell where he belonged.  I followed the man home from the mall. He went inside his house and I went up and rang the doorbell. When he came to the door I hit his face extremely hard with my rainstick.  He died right then and there.  So God said He was
happy and that I was good.  So I felt happy.  So now God tells me stuff a lot.  He tells me who all of Satan’s Bitches are and how to make them go away.  I am a good person now.  What? What?  Oh...but I like Christine!  She’s real pretty and nice!  Oh. Oh, I see.  Okay.  Where’s my rainstick...?