I know that God is real. How do I know? Because He talks to
me. He comes into my room at night and tells me that He
loves me. And we talk and He tells me how I should spread His
word to everyone. And He tells me to be good and Christian
and nice to people. He’s a swell Joe. And then one day
I was at the mall to buy a rainstick and a mean man pushed me
and told me to get out of his way. And then God talked to me.
This caught me off guard a wee bit. He had never talked to
me during the day before. So anyway, God said that that man
was bad. He said that the man was Satan’s Bitch (I blushed
when He said that) and so he was evil. And then God said tha
if I really loved Him, I would send Satan’s Bitch back to hell
where he belonged. I followed the man home from the mall.
He went inside his house and I went up and rang the doorbell.
When he came to the door I hit his face extremely hard with
my rainstick. He died right then and there. So God said
happy and that I was good. So I felt happy. So now God
me stuff a lot. He tells me who all of Satan’s Bitches are and
how to make them go away. I am a good person now. What?
What? Oh...but I like Christine! She’s real pretty and
Oh, I see. Okay. Where’s my rainstick...?