Your Door is Ajar...
Cars these days are really getting
sophisticated. They can even tell the driver
when he screws up:
“Your door is ajar, your door is ajar...”
punctuated by soft little pings and maybe
even a pleasantly glowing light on your dashboard.
But, of course, this isn’t enough for
If I have a car that tells me stuff, I want
my car to tell me everything.
*PING* “You have started the car. The
car is now running... thank you for
purchasing the ‘98 Saturn Chatterbox” (Because only Saturn could make
a car this
“The current temperature in the car is 76
*PING* “Driver has activated the radio.
Driver has activated the radio. Driver
has tuned to 105.9 FM KLZR, The Lazer. Current song playing:
Someday I Suppose by
The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.”
*PING* “Car in reverse. Driver backing
out of driveway. Car now in forward
gear. Accelerating... Speed limit is 30 miles per
Driver accelerating. Driver
applying four ponds two ounces of pressure to accelerator.
Current speed 43 miles per
hour. Warning. You are exceeding the maximum posted speed
limit by 13 miles per
hour.” And here, a little +13 MPH light would activate and shine
with a comforting red
*PING* “Driver lighting cigarette.
Analysis of smoke commencing...” *PING* “Analysis complete.
Analysis indicates driver is smoking Marlboro
general’s warning: Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease,
emphysema, and may
*PING* “Driver is irritated with anti-smoking
propaganda. Driver is now chain
smoking in silent rebellion. Driver accelerating. Current
speed 58 miles per hour.”
*PING* “Your wife is cheating on you.”
The Adultery indicator light flares into
life. “Driver accelerating. Speed: 75.6 MPH.
Driver: you cannot run away from your
*PING* “ WARNING! Officer of the law is
now in pursuit. Officer in pursuit is
Lieutenant Hank Harris. Officer Harris has spilled his coffee
in his lap and is now
swearing violently and clutching his scalded genitalia. Officer
Harris is under a great
deal of stress. Home life not happy. Wife, Linda, is having
an affair and filing for
divorce. Daughter, Judy, is pregnant with child of Kyle McFry,
Probability of police brutality against driver: 96.7% and
compliance with law.”
At this point, the dashboard would be a
Christmas Tree, all lit up with
various indicator lights such as: Officer Harris light, Cheating
Wife light, and the
Pregnant Daughter light. The police brutality LCD display would
be flashing 96.7% in
angry red numerals.
*PING* “Warning: sugar detected in fuel
tank. Warning! Fuel low. WARNING!
Your blood pressure is rising to dangerous levels. Be calm.
Be calm” A little heart
shaped light with a happy little exclamation point embedded in it
“Driver accelerating. Speed: 94.9
MPH. Entering school
zone. Maximum speed limit:
15 mph. You do the math.”
*PING* “WARNING! Children obstructing
Children obstructing path!
Swerve! Swerve!” The Doomed Children light pops on.
impacted children! Driver has impacted children!” The dash
lights up with a beautiful,
multi-colored display depicting an evil looking car mowing down fleeing
scattering books and lunchboxes in all directions.
“WARNING: Engine failure due to sugar
presence commencing! Warning: Arm
caught in steering column! Warning: Brakes failing due
to poor manufacturing! All hell
breaking loose!” A tombstone with a demonic skull-n-crossbones
“Officer Harris still in pursuit.
Harris has now decided to run driver off
*PING* “A bird has defecated on your
“WARNING! Officer Harris has now lost
his grip on reality. Homicidal Law
Enforcement Agent in pursuit.”
“Now entering Grand Canyon National
Badness quotient extremely high.”
“WARNING: Your bladder is at maximum
capacity. Probability of accidental
urine release due to stressful conditions: 64 percent.”
A “distressed Bladder” light.
“WARNING! ENGINE HAS FAILED!
HAS FAILED! BRAKING
“Warning: Driver has dropped cigarette
on floor. Carpet burning.” An animated
light cheerily depicts the blaze.
“Warning: Officer Harris shoving car
toward ledge. Emergency. Driver is not in
control. Estimated time to ledge: 2 seconds. One
second. Car now airborne.” A little
car with wings lights up on the dash. “Downward acceleration:
squared. Car falling in compliance with laws of physics.”
*PING*! “Upholstery flaming. Engine on
fire. Driver experiencing extreme stress.
Driver screaming. Be calm. Remember your heart. We
told you you shouldn’t smoke.”
*PING*! Warning: Your bladder has
now involuntarily emptied.” We don’t want
to imagine what a “Urine in pants” light would look like.
“WARNING! IMPACT IMMINENT! DEATH
“Irony alert: Officer Harris has plunged
over the edge in suicidal rage. Die,
Officer Harris! Die!”
“WARNING! Driver flaming! Driver
flaming! Flesh charring painfully from
bones. Stench of smoldering human flesh filling vehicle.
Please roll down your window
for proper ventilation. Say your prayers, driver! Make
peace with God.” A REPENT
“WARNING! ENGINE DETONATING! CAR
DESTROYED! Impact of disintegrated remnants of vehicle with
floor in two
seconds, one second. IMPACT! Car and driver
Driver’s soul now residing
eternally in fiery pits of Hell. Burn, driver!” Somewhere
amongst the flaming wreckage,
a “Driver screaming in agony in lake of fire” light glows feebly.
The dying speaker
*PING*! “Your door is ajar. Your
door is ajar....”