Your Door is Ajar...

    Cars these days are really getting sophisticated.  They can even tell the driver when he screws up:

     “Your door is ajar, your door is ajar...” punctuated by soft little pings and maybe even a pleasantly glowing light on your dashboard.

     But, of course, this isn’t enough for me.  If I have a car that tells me stuff, I want my car to tell me everything.

     *PING* “You have started the car.  The car is now running...  thank you for purchasing the ‘98 Saturn Chatterbox” (Because only Saturn could make a car this

     “The current temperature in the car is 76 degrees Fahrenheit.”

     *PING* “Driver has activated the radio.  Driver has activated the radio.  Driver has tuned to 105.9 FM KLZR, The Lazer.  Current song playing: Someday I Suppose by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.”

     *PING* “Car in reverse.  Driver backing out of driveway.  Car now in forward gear.  Accelerating... Speed limit is 30 miles per hour.   Driver accelerating.  Driver applying four ponds two ounces  of pressure to accelerator.  Current speed 43 miles per hour.  Warning.  You are exceeding the maximum posted speed limit by 13 miles per hour.”  And here, a little +13 MPH light would activate and shine with a comforting red light.

     *PING*  “Driver lighting cigarette.  Analysis of smoke commencing...” *PING* “Analysis complete.  Analysis indicates driver is smoking Marlboro cigarettes.  Surgeon general’s warning:  Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy.”

     *PING* “Driver is irritated with anti-smoking propaganda.  Driver is now chain smoking in silent rebellion.  Driver accelerating.  Current speed 58 miles per hour.”

     *PING* “Your wife is cheating on you.”  The Adultery indicator light flares into life.  “Driver accelerating.  Speed:  75.6 MPH.  Driver:  you cannot run away from your problems...”

     *PING* “ WARNING!  Officer of the law is now in pursuit.  Officer in pursuit is Lieutenant Hank Harris.  Officer Harris has spilled his coffee in his lap and is now swearing violently and clutching his scalded genitalia.  Officer Harris is under a great deal of stress.  Home life not happy.  Wife, Linda, is having an affair and filing for divorce.  Daughter, Judy, is pregnant with child of Kyle McFry, juvenile delinquent. Probability of police brutality against driver:  96.7% and rising.  Suggest immediate compliance with law.”

     At this point, the dashboard would be a veritable Christmas Tree, all lit up with various indicator lights such as:  Officer Harris light, Cheating Wife light, and the
Pregnant Daughter light.  The police brutality LCD display would be flashing 96.7% in angry red numerals.

     *PING* “Warning:  sugar detected in fuel tank.  Warning!  Fuel low.  WARNING! Your blood pressure is rising to dangerous levels.  Be calm.  Be calm”  A little heart shaped light with a happy little exclamation point embedded in it flashes frantically.

    “Driver accelerating.  Speed:  94.9 MPH.  Entering school zone.  Maximum speed limit: 15 mph.  You do the math.”

     *PING* “WARNING! Children obstructing path!  Children obstructing path! Swerve! Swerve!”  The Doomed Children light pops on.  “EMERGENCY!  Driver has impacted children!  Driver has impacted children!”  The dash lights up with a beautiful, multi-colored display depicting an evil looking car mowing down fleeing children, scattering books and lunchboxes in all directions.

     “WARNING:  Engine failure due to sugar presence commencing!  Warning:  Arm caught in steering column!  Warning:  Brakes failing due to poor manufacturing!  All hell breaking loose!”  A tombstone with a demonic skull-n-crossbones blinks threateningly.

     “Officer Harris still in pursuit.  Officer Harris has now decided to run driver off road...”

     *PING* “A bird has defecated on your windshield.”

     “WARNING!  Officer Harris has now lost his grip on reality.  Homicidal Law Enforcement Agent in pursuit.”

     “Now entering Grand Canyon National Park.  Badness quotient extremely high.”

     “WARNING:  Your bladder is at maximum capacity.  Probability of accidental urine release due to stressful conditions:  64 percent.”  A “distressed Bladder” light.


     “Warning:  Driver has dropped cigarette on floor.  Carpet burning.”  An animated light cheerily depicts the blaze.

     “Warning:  Officer Harris shoving car toward ledge.  Emergency.  Driver is not in control.  Estimated time to ledge:  2 seconds.  One second.  Car now airborne.”  A little car with wings lights up on the dash. “Downward acceleration:  9.8 meters/second squared.  Car falling in compliance with laws of physics.”

     *PING*! “Upholstery flaming.  Engine on fire.  Driver experiencing extreme stress. Driver screaming.  Be calm.  Remember your heart.  We told you you shouldn’t smoke.”

     *PING*!  Warning:  Your bladder has now involuntarily emptied.”  We don’t want to imagine what a “Urine in pants” light would look like.


     “Irony alert:  Officer Harris has plunged over the edge in suicidal rage.  Die, Officer Harris!  Die!”

     “WARNING!  Driver flaming!  Driver flaming!  Flesh charring painfully from bones.  Stench of smoldering human flesh filling vehicle.  Please roll down your window for proper ventilation.  Say your prayers, driver!  Make peace with God.”  A REPENT light.

     “WARNING!  ENGINE DETONATING!  CAR EXPLODING!  VEHICLE DESTROYED!  Impact of disintegrated remnants of vehicle with canyon floor in two seconds, one second.  IMPACT!  Car and driver annihilated!  Driver’s soul now residing eternally in fiery pits of Hell.  Burn, driver!”  Somewhere amongst the flaming wreckage, a “Driver screaming in agony in lake of fire” light glows feebly.  The dying speaker crackles:

     *PING*!  “Your door is ajar.  Your door is ajar....”