WHEREAS:  We’re white, and we need to loosen up.
 WHEREAS:  It’s fun to be Funky.
 WHEREAS:  It’s just fun to say “Funky.”
 WHEREAS:  Funky Funky Funky Funky Funky.
 WHEREAS:  Chicks dig Funky guys.

BE IT RESOLVED THAT We all gon’ get DOWN and get FUNKY!!!
 

Submitted by two really funky guys named
Phunkdaddy P
and
Rapmaster "C"

A BILL
To eliminate the Federal Government and install Paul Serena as Supreme Dictator.

 WHEREAS:  Paul’s gonna do it with or without your help, so you should make it wasy for
    yourselves while you still have that option.
 WHEREAS:  The sstem of Federal Government is WAY too complex for its own good, as
    anybody who’s in Government this semester will testify.
 WHEREAS:  Paul’s Supreme Dictatorship will run smoothly.
 WHEREAS:  Paul will be a fair and just leader.  By his standards.
 BE IT RESOLVED THAT:  The Federal Government will be terminated immediately and Senator
    Paul Serena will be installed as the Grand High Supreme Dictator.
 

This bill has been brought to you by
The Letter P
And the number 79
This bill is a production of the Children’s Television Workshop.

The National Association for the Preservation of Sanity, Decency, and the Abolition of Absolute Stupidity
presents
THE HICK ELIMINATION ACT
A BILL
 
To Raise the legal age to buy tobacco products to 25, the legal drinking age to thirty, to establish
strict penalties for violators, and to further impede the Redneck Lifestyle.

Section I.  As of December 6, 1997, the legal age to purchase tobacco products will be raised to 25 years.
Section II.  As of December 6, 1997, the legal drinking age will be raised to 30 years.
Section III.  Vendors of these products will be required by law to verify age of anybody attempting to
    purchase these products.  Two forms of picture I.D. will be required, one of these will be a valid driver’s
    license.
Section IV.  Any underage citizen caught violating this law will be fined $15,000, will have their driver’s
    license revoked for 18 months, and may face a prison sentence of not more than five years.
Section V.  Any vendor selling these products to an underage citizen will be fined
    $25,000 and will face a prison sentence of up to 10 years.
Section VI.  Due to possible endangerment of life, as of December 6, 1997, any belt buckle measuring more
    than 1.5”x 3” will be illegal in public.
Section VII.  Violators of the above section will be fined $100 for every 1/16” over the limit.
Section VIII.  Any person exhibiting publicly five or more tell-tale signs of being a Redneck will be
    rendered sterile immediately to prevent this plague from spreading into further generations.
 

Respectfully submitted by
Senator P. Serena
of the National Association for the Preservation of Sanity, Decency, and the Abolition of Absolute Stupidity
(NAPSDAAS)

A BILL
to eliminate Rob
 WHEREAS:  He smells funny.
 WHEREAS:  We don’t like his haircut.
 WHEREAS:  He’s a communist.
 WHEREAS:  Two words:  “Freshman Girlfriend.”
 WHEREAS:  We emphasize “FRESHMAN.”
 WHEREAS:  We believe he has homosexual tendencies.
 WHEREAS:  He’s not as good a lover as he says he is.
 WHEREAS:  Robs, in any form, are evil.
 WHEREAS:  His name backwards is “Bor.”
 WHEREAS:  His name all screwed up is “Orb.”
 WHEREAS:  Orb backwards is “Bro.”
 WHEREAS:  He attended the “March for Gay Rights.”
 WHEREAS:  He’s a woman.
 WHEREAS:  He’s not here right now.
 WHEREAS:  He’s rumored to be the Antichrist.
 WHEREAS:  He has nude photos of Janet Reno.
 WHEREAS:  He doesn’t understand why there’s so many black people on BET.
 WHEREAS:  He thinks he’s black.
 WHEREAS:  He stood me up last night.
 WHEREAS:  We just don’t like him.
 BE IT RESOLVED THAT:  Rob will be Eliminated.
 
This Bill has been brought to you by
The Letter Q
(Because Rob’s Queer)
And the Number 69
(Because he gets his jollies that way with Freshman guys named Fabian)

A BILL
TO ELIMINATE ALL FUNDING TO WOMEN’S RIGHTS ORGANIZATIONS

 WHEREAS:  Face it, ladies, you’ve got all the rights you’re likely to get anytime soon.
 WHEREAS:  Men have, do, and always will dominate society, because you can’t change thousands
    of generations of male thinking.
 WHEREAS:  Funding for women’s rights organizations give them an unfair advantage over men’s
    rights organizations.
 WHEREAS:  If all the women become liberated, who will get men their beers?
 WHEREAS:  Women are responsible for the expulsion of humankind from Paradise.
 WHEREAS:  Women started Prohibition, and that boosted violent organized crime in the first half
    of the century.
 BE IT RESOLVED THAT:  Any and all funding to women’s rights organizations be immediately
    ceased.


A BILL TO BAN METHODISTS
(this one's by Rob McKinney)

WHEREAS:  Methodists only barely qualify as Christian and

WHEREAS:  Catholics are inherently better than every other religion known and

WHEREAS:  Methodists are overrunning the globe and

WHEREAS:  Catholics are unstoppable love machines and

WHEREAS:  Any religion that has that qualification must be the best and

WHEREAS:  I don’t like Paul and he’s one of the cursed heathens and

WHEREAS:  Emphasize the meth in Methodist and

WHEREAS:  Because of this name, they must be druggies and

WHEREAS:  Druggies suck and

WHEREAS:  Catholix can spll mush beter than Methidosts kan and

WHEREAS:  I mean, c’mon, the damn Methies just plain suck!!!

WHEREAS:  My God is bigger, badder, and smites more pagans than their God and

WHEREAS:  He is also so much more vengeful and

WHEREAS:  My God’s better than your God and

WHEREAS: My God’s better than yours and

WHEREAS:  My God’s better ‘cause he gets a pope and

WHEREAS:  My God’s better than yours and

WHEREAS:  I mean, c’mon, they just suck -- it says so in the Bible -- in the back somewhere.

BE IT RESOLVED BY THE STUDENT CONGRESS HERE ASSEMBLED THAT

Provision One:  First and foremost that the actual religion of Methodism be banned.

Provision Two:  All existing Methodists be rounded up and put into detention camps for psychological
    rehabilitation.

Provision Three:  People who persist in practicing Methodism shall be drug by the hair and/or genitals into
    the midst of their hometown and shot as examples atop the highest public building.

Provision Four:  Methodist houses of worship shall be either burned to the ground or converted into IHOPs.

Provision Five:  Books for, by, or about Methodists and/or their religion shall be burned or converted into
    IHOP menus.

The provisions within this bill shall be enacted immediately upon its passing.



A RESOLUTION TO FORCE EVERYONE TO SPEAK LIKE YODA

WHEREAS:  Talk good, Yoda does.
WHEREAS:  Language barriers America are separating.
WHEREAS:  Yoda tells common sense things like “Feel the Force flow through you,”
    and  “Ooooh, don’t run with scissors!”
WHEREAS:  Wise, talking like Yoda makes you sound.
WHEREAS:  When this old you are, look this good you will not.
WHEREAS:  C’mon, everybody loves Yoda!

BE IT RESOLVED BY THE STUDENT CONGRESS HERE ASSEMBLED THAT
Talk like Yoda, everyone will. 



A BILL TO BAN SARAHS (WITH AN "H")

WHEREAS: All Sarahs are evil incarnate.
WHEREAS: They're all out to get me.
WHEREAS: Sarahs are the reason for the crumbling of society.
WHEREAS: There are way too many people named "Sarah" in this country.
WHEREAS: sarah is orinally a Hebrew name, so there ya go.
WHEREAS: Sarahs have been leaked into society by enemy nations to bring about the downfall of the US.
WHEREAS: I believe they are actually killer androids.
WHEREAS: There is a trail a mile long of tattered, empty shells of men whose once warm and friendly personalities
        have been torn asunder and sent into shame spirals to the very bowels of hell whereever a sarah has been, spreading
        an unholy plague created and nursed in their cold, black hearts. S'true.

BE IT RESOLVED THAT
    Provision One: The future naming of children as "Sarah" shall be prohibited.
    Provision Two: All person currently named sarah shall have two options:
            A) Change their names to "The Evil Demon Spawn Fromerly Known as Sarah"
            B) Be shot.