BE IT RESOLVED THAT We all gon’ get DOWN and get FUNKY!!!
WHEREAS: Paul’s gonna do it with or without your help, so
you should make it wasy for
yourselves while you still have that option.
WHEREAS: The sstem of Federal Government is WAY too complex
for its own good, as
anybody who’s in Government this semester will testify.
WHEREAS: Paul’s Supreme Dictatorship will run smoothly.
WHEREAS: Paul will be a fair and just leader. By
his standards.
BE IT RESOLVED THAT: The Federal Government will be terminated
immediately and Senator
Paul Serena will be installed as the Grand High
Supreme Dictator.
Section I. As of December 6, 1997, the legal age to purchase tobacco
products will be raised to 25 years.
Section II. As of December 6, 1997, the legal drinking age will
be raised to 30 years.
Section III. Vendors of these products will be required by law
to verify age of anybody attempting to
purchase these products. Two forms of picture
I.D. will be required, one of these will be a valid driver’s
license.
Section IV. Any underage citizen caught violating this law will
be fined $15,000, will have their driver’s
license revoked for 18 months, and may face a prison
sentence of not more than five years.
Section V. Any vendor selling these products to an underage citizen
will be fined
$25,000 and will face a prison sentence of up to
10 years.
Section VI. Due to possible endangerment of life, as of December
6, 1997, any belt buckle measuring more
than 1.5”x 3” will be illegal in public.
Section VII. Violators of the above section will be fined $100
for every 1/16” over the limit.
Section VIII. Any person exhibiting publicly five or more tell-tale
signs of being a Redneck will be
rendered sterile immediately to prevent this plague
from spreading into further generations.
WHEREAS: Face it, ladies, you’ve got all the rights you’re
likely to get anytime soon.
WHEREAS: Men have, do, and always will dominate society,
because you can’t change thousands
of generations of male thinking.
WHEREAS: Funding for women’s rights organizations give
them an unfair advantage over men’s
rights organizations.
WHEREAS: If all the women become liberated, who will get
men their beers?
WHEREAS: Women are responsible for the expulsion of humankind
from Paradise.
WHEREAS: Women started Prohibition, and that boosted violent
organized crime in the first half
of the century.
BE IT RESOLVED THAT: Any and all funding to women’s rights
organizations be immediately
ceased.
WHEREAS: Methodists only barely qualify as Christian and
WHEREAS: Catholics are inherently better than every other religion known and
WHEREAS: Methodists are overrunning the globe and
WHEREAS: Catholics are unstoppable love machines and
WHEREAS: Any religion that has that qualification must be the best and
WHEREAS: I don’t like Paul and he’s one of the cursed heathens and
WHEREAS: Emphasize the meth in Methodist and
WHEREAS: Because of this name, they must be druggies and
WHEREAS: Druggies suck and
WHEREAS: Catholix can spll mush beter than Methidosts kan and
WHEREAS: I mean, c’mon, the damn Methies just plain suck!!!
WHEREAS: My God is bigger, badder, and smites more pagans than their God and
WHEREAS: He is also so much more vengeful and
WHEREAS: My God’s better than your God and
WHEREAS: My God’s better than yours and
WHEREAS: My God’s better ‘cause he gets a pope and
WHEREAS: My God’s better than yours and
WHEREAS: I mean, c’mon, they just suck -- it says so in the Bible -- in the back somewhere.
BE IT RESOLVED BY THE STUDENT CONGRESS HERE ASSEMBLED THAT
Provision One: First and foremost that the actual religion of Methodism be banned.
Provision Two: All existing Methodists be rounded up and put into
detention camps for psychological
rehabilitation.
Provision Three: People who persist in practicing Methodism shall
be drug by the hair and/or genitals into
the midst of their hometown and shot as examples
atop the highest public building.
Provision Four: Methodist houses of worship shall be either burned to the ground or converted into IHOPs.
Provision Five: Books for, by, or about Methodists and/or their
religion shall be burned or converted into
IHOP menus.
The provisions within this bill shall be enacted immediately upon its
passing.
WHEREAS: Talk good, Yoda does.
WHEREAS: Language barriers America are separating.
WHEREAS: Yoda tells common sense things like “Feel the Force
flow through you,”
and “Ooooh, don’t run with scissors!”
WHEREAS: Wise, talking like Yoda makes you sound.
WHEREAS: When this old you are, look this good you will not.
WHEREAS: C’mon, everybody loves Yoda!
BE IT RESOLVED BY THE STUDENT CONGRESS HERE ASSEMBLED THAT
Talk like Yoda, everyone will.
WHEREAS: All Sarahs are evil incarnate.
WHEREAS: They're all out to get me.
WHEREAS: Sarahs are the reason for the crumbling of society.
WHEREAS: There are way too many people named "Sarah" in this country.
WHEREAS: sarah is orinally a Hebrew name, so there ya go.
WHEREAS: Sarahs have been leaked into society by enemy nations to bring
about the downfall of the US.
WHEREAS: I believe they are actually killer androids.
WHEREAS: There is a trail a mile long of tattered, empty shells of
men whose once warm and friendly personalities
have been torn asunder and
sent into shame spirals to the very bowels of hell whereever a sarah has
been, spreading
an unholy plague created
and nursed in their cold, black hearts. S'true.
BE IT RESOLVED THAT
Provision One: The future naming of children as
"Sarah" shall be prohibited.
Provision Two: All person currently named sarah
shall have two options:
A) Change their names to "The Evil Demon Spawn Fromerly Known as Sarah"
B) Be shot.