Heaven Takes A Holiday
And on the eigth day, the Lord didst jet off to
And he didst leave me in charge.
The Lord didst then spake unto me, "Do not forget
to feedeth mine fishies, and make sure that thou dost water mine
less the fishies perish, and the plants, whither and die."
And I didst say unto the Lord, "Sure, no problem.
Hey, is it cool if I raid the fridge?"
The Lord then didst leave, shaking his head, and
spoke unto himself, saying, "I should really rethink this."
The Lord did live in a mighty palace, built of the
finest marble and most exotic woods. And because of this, I wast able
hold a much larger party than I wouldst have otherwise been able to.
I didst call many people, but, lo- they did not
arrive. Lo, there was much nashing of teeth, and wailing from me unto
abyss. But I discovered that I didst give them the wrong address. So, I
didst try again, and, lo, did many personages of much acclaim appear.
The music, it was loud, and it was raucous. The
playing of Bad Religion and AC/DC's "Highway To Hell" did mightily piss
off St. Peter.
And I did spake unto him, "Hey, relax, guy."
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse did boogie down
mightily, with a great waggling of hips, and a mighty thrusting of
regions unto the vestal virgins. They also did dance the foxtrot
as, lo, they did not get out much.
Much food was consumed, angel's food, and devil's
food. Yea, I did sayeth devil's food, as Hell doth have the
musicians, tho Heaven has the best choreographers. St. Peter's cries of
"Enough!" did cease when he saw Gabriel jamming on his trumpet with
Moses did do the parting of the waters trick in
his martini glass, with many accompanying cries of "Wow, do that one
The party didst get quite wild, with much going
out of control, for behold, in the Glory and the Majesty that was the
of God, there was much flammable material. And Lucifer, Lord of the
Prince of Darkness, King of Lies, didst do many keen and amusing tricks
Many angels and seraphim disst attempt to sing in
holy harmony, tho, lo and behold, mightily disst they fail, for they
Heavenly hosts and spawn of Satan alike fell with
a great clashing and clattering to the floor of the Lord's palace when
they didst attempt the Bunny Hop after consuming a great many of the
The morning, then, was not brought in by the
of angels, and choirs of seraphim, but by the vomiting of demons and
of Heaven on high. There was much clutching of foreheads, and moaning
pleading unto the Lord for abatement of the many hangovers.
And loud were the lamentations when it was
that God did not have aspirin in his medicine chest, but merely
non-dairy creamers and a straw.
And mighty were the screams when God did arrive
home early. The screams were that of this humble scribe, and great was
my suffering, for someone had used the plants for their toilet.
His Holiness, Highest of Highs, was also a bit
that I hadst not fed the fish.