The Easter Story
Easter 2001 has come and gone, and
I have not yet told anyone the occurrences of that fateful
I’m sure most people woke up early, looked for brightly colored eggs,
to church, maybe a brunch, and wore their new spring outfits.
I did none of the above. My day was
much less cliched, and quite a bit more unusual. I woke up around
two in the afternoon, like usual, even though I had meant to get up
so I could get taken to lunch by my mom. I overslept, so no free
So I roll out of bed, and in order, piss,
shower, brush my teeth, and get dressed. Now I have a huge chunk
of Easter Sunday left to kill.
Well, if you know me, you know that the first
thing I do after toilet matters are dealt with is sit on my couch and
at the wall. So I do this until…well, the sun went down.
after, I realize that I have not sent my Easter cards yet! Well,
this simply cannot stand. So out come the cards, my favorite pen,
and the stamps. Did you get one of my Easter cards? Well,
those of you who didn’t, I will tell you that I do not send out
cards. Oh no. I like to include little gifts.
gum, whatever. Something useful.
Well, this year I decided to send something
everybody loves. I had one dozen cards to send, and I bought one
dozen fluffy little baby chicks to send as well. The plan was to
make everyone’s Easter, or in this case post-Easter, as sunny and happy
After writing the cards, I got the first
baby chick to stuff it in the envelope. Well, I don’t know if you
have ever tried to fit a chick in an envelope, but believe you me, it
easy. I barely got the envelope sealed, and then it was still all
lumpy and moving. The hammer fixed it, but there was an awful
and I had to use separate address labels because the ink got covered up
with chick juice.
After all dozen chicks were loaded into their
parcels, I stood to take the cards to the post office. This
have been hard, but as I stood from my couch, my left eye fell from its
socket and landed square on a soggy envelope.
It took a few seconds for the realization of what
had just happened
to fully sink in. When it hit me that my eye had fallen out, I
to fell quite a bit of pain. Oddly, there was nothing except for
a mild tingling sensation in my eye socket. Now I was truly
I decided this needed to be remedied.
I bent down to pick up my eye and pack it in ice, but when I bent over,
I heard a loud crash come from my bedroom. I was startled to say
the least, and forgetting my eye for the moment, I ran into my
There was shattered glass, broken binds, and a ninja scattered across
bed. I was scared as hell. Blinds are expensive.
I went back into the living room to get the
ninja spray out of the closet. Shit, my eye. I’d forgotten
about that. I was walking towards it when the ninja came out of
room and jumped over my couch.
Before I could even get my finger on the ninja
spray, my eye leapt into the air and began beating the ever loving shit
out of the ninja. Don’t ask me to describe the scene, I can’t
you much. I don’t even know where my eyeball got that bat.
So this battle goes on and on and on.
I ran out to mail the cards and return some videos, and when I got
the ninja lay vanquished and my eye was smoking a roach I had left in
ashtray from the night before. We rolled some more after that and
got skizigh hizigh all evening.
The moral of the story is never chew gumballs
they give as prizes in cans of Comet bathroom cleanser. All that
stuff really happened, but the doctor said that when you chew those
your eye is 23% more likely to fall out, and ninjas are 64% more likely
to crash in through your window. How the eyeball fought or smoked
weed even the doctor didn’t know.