Adventures In Breadmaking



Transcript from last week's episode of "The Life And Times Of R.S. Gillaspie, Asshole-At-Large."

Scene ONE.
The INTERIOR of a small, local BAKERY. Early morning sunlight filters through the fornt windows. BOB and ROB are busy kneading dough and loading the oven.

ROB: Can you believe that Crack Whore that was in here earlier? What a demanding cunt!

BOB: She certainly was irritating! I hope she never comes in here again!

A bell on the front door rings, and the SLOVENLY CRACK WHORE enters. She looks around the room for a moment, then approaches the front counter. Her shirt and pants are stained with rancid crack-sweat.

CRACK WHORE: Man, you guys keep it smelling good in here! Can I use the bathroom? Where's that slice of bread I asked for?

BOB: We warmed up that slice of bread for you, but since you were gone for three hours, it's probably cold again by now.

The CRACK WHORE slams her fists down on the counter!

CRACK WHORE: Now I'm REALLY pissed off!

BOB: Why don't you take it somewhere else, then?

He hands her the slice of bread and she storms outside, nearly toppling over a group of SCHOOLKIDS as they enter the bakery.

Scene TWO.
Same bakery, the NEXT DAY. DARRON and ROB cut and weigh large hunks of dough.

ROB: Wow, Darron! You should have seen the annoying Crack Whore that came in here yesterday!

DARRON: Sounds annoying! I hope she doesn't show up today!

The bell on the door rings, and the SLOVENLY CRACK WHORE enters.

CRACK WHORE: Boy, you guys sure keep it smelling good in here. I don't want to buy anything, I just want to smell for a while. Got any free bread I can have?

ROB: I can cut you a slice from the sample board, if you'd like.

He moves down to the sample board and slices her a large piece of bread.

DARRON: Thanks for coming in! Have a nice day!

As soon as ROB turns around to walk away, the CRACK WHORE reaches for the knife and starts cutting herself another slice of bread. DARRON rushes over to take the knife from her.

DARRON: Here, let me help you with that.

CRACK WHORE: I want a sandwich. You guys have a bathroom I can use?

DARRON hands her the slice of bread and sends her on her way.

DARRON: Well, now I see what you mean! I hope that sloppy sack of balls doesn't come back here EVER again!

DARRON and ROB break into simultaneous laughter.

Scene THREE.

Same bakery, the NEXT DAY. ROB is working at the table alone. The bakery hasn't opened for the day yet; in fact, it's so early that the sun hasn't even come up.

The door opens, and the SLOVENLY CRACK WHORE enters.

CRACK WHORE: Fuck, you guys sure keep it smelling good in here! What do you have that's free?

ROB: Nothing yet. The bakery isn't open for another twenty minutes.

CRACK WHORE: What? Are you lying to me? Guess I'll just have to sit outside and wait.

The CRACK WHORE exits. ROB continues to work in silence. Much time passes. After a while, the front door opens, and NICK enters the bakery, arms full of hot coffee.

ROB: Is that annoying Crack Whore still hanging around outside?

NICK: What annoying Crack Whore?

ROB: You'd know her if you saw her!

NICK: Sounds annoying! I hope she doesn't ever come in here again!

ROB: I'm off for the next two days. If she's still here when I get back, I'm going to give her WHAT FOR!

NICK and ROB break into simultaneous laughter.

Scene FOUR.
Same bakery, the NEXT DAY. NICK and DARRON are working together. The lobby is filled with screaming kids and their gluttonous, negligent mothers. NICK and DARRON run around frantically to make sure every customer is served.

DARRON: Boy, we sure are busy! Wouldn't this be an awful time for that annoying Crack Whore to come in?

The SLOVENLY CRACK WHORE slips into the bakery and mingles with the crowd. She is rolling a cigarette in her meaty hands.

CRACK WHORE: Shit-fire, you sure keep it smelling good in here. Anything free I can have today?

DARRON: We're a little bit busy right now, can you come back later?

CRACK WHORE: Don't worry, I can get it myself. MInd if I smoke this cigarette in here so I know whether or not it tastes good?

NICK: I'm sorry, but we don't allow smoking in here.

CRACK WHORE: Well, where am I supposed to smoke it, then?

DARRON and NICK point to the front door.

CRACK WHORE: Outside? Where the hell am I supposed to sit down out there? You guys are real ASSHOLES, you know that?

The CRACK WHORE exits with her cigarette. DARRON and NICK continue to slice bread for the screaming kids.

Scene FIVE.
Same bakery, the NEXT DAY. DARRON and BOB loading the oven. The bakery is silent and empty.

The front door opens, and the SLOVENLY CRACK WHORE enters.

CRACK WHORE: Don't mind me, guys, I'm just getting a slice of bread.

She walks over to the sample board and begins cutting herself a slice.

BOB: Please don't do that, it's a health code violation.

CRACK WHORE: I don't care. I'm SO hungry!

DARRON and BOB rush over to take the knife from her. There is a brief struggle. The CRACK WHORE begins tearing chunks of bread with her bare hands and stuffs them into her mouth. In the confusion that follows, the knife slips free of their grip and plants itself in her chest!

The CRACK WHORE stumbles, gasps, and falls dead to the floor.

DARRON: Uh oh.

BOB: So what should we do now?

Scene SIX.
Same bakery, the NEXT DAY. ROB, BOB, and NICK are standing around the bread table, kneading. DARRON is at the sample board, cutting free slices for a group of college kids.

ROB: I sure hope that annoying Crack Whore comes in today so I can give her a piece of my mind!

BOB: Oh, something tells me that she won't be bothering us again.

ROB: Why do you say that?

As if on cue, DARRON clears his throat.

DARRON: Can I offer you guys a sample of our new bread? It's called "Cherry Crack Whore Swirl" and it's delicious!

ROB looks over at DARRON, then back at BOB and NICK. A sour expression crosses his face.

ROB: Man, you guys get to have ALL the fun when I'm gone!

Everyone at the table burts into simultaneous laughter. FADE OUT!