I passed out and when I awoke I was hooked to a machine
And I really needed a smoke!
All these tubes and junk were comin’ out my nose
I knew I had smokes in my fuckin’ clothes
So when the nurse came in, a real nice Korean bitch,
I asked for my jacket so I could scratch my inner itch.
“Just what I needed, a pack of Luckies!”
“Are you stupid?” “Shut up bitch, how ‘bout after I
smoke one you gimme a little sucky-sucky?”
“You’re a sick twisted fuck, how can you sit there and suck
On that cancer stick?
Don’t you know it’s bad for you?”
“Oh really? That can’t be true!
How can anything that feels so good
And looks so cool be bad?”
“You know, smoking killed my dad!”
“Shit, bitch, I’m sorry, but I ain’t your pop,
And smoking may be bad but I ain’t gonna stop.”
I like it. So sue me.
I’ll pay my lawyers with Camels and GPCs.
I walked into a restaurant later that week
Wheelin’ my lung machine along behind me.
I sat in the non-smoking and stuck a cigarette in the hose
That was hangin’ out my nose
When a waiter came over and said
“Sir you can’t smoke in here!”
I blew smoke in his face and said
“You’re talking to my bad ear!
I could swear you said I can’t smoke
And yet here I am with a lit cigarette
Your no smoking rule’s a fucking joke!
You’re worried about all that second hand shit?
Why don’t you get the fuck out or fuckin’ deal with it?”
The manager came up and threw me out on my ass
I screamed at him “At least I wasn’t smoking fucking
I dragged my machine to the local Kinder Care
And lit up a Marlboro and sat and stared
At all the little kids
Who saw me and my box and they all got fuckin’ scared.
“What’s the matter, aintcha never seen no one smoke before Tommy?”
“You’re scary, and I think I want my mommy!”
“But I’m not all bad, ya little shit,
I keep my lung in a bottle, would ya like ta look at it?”
“I’ve been smoking since I was twelve
And I don’t really want to delve
Into all that shit, but ya wanna know a secret?
All the cool kids smoke! Ya wanna fuckin’ cigarette?”
“But daddy says smoking makes your lungs black!”
“And I bet your daddy’s at the office right now with his secretary on her back.
Do mommy and daddy fight?”
“Do you ever get scared when they turn off the light?”
“Do you like it when you get presents?”
“Do you wanna grow up to be president?”
“Well, smoking can do all that!
I smoke a pack a day
And do nothing but eat candy and play
“You mean you have a kitty?”
“You could say that. Here, suck on this. Now, don’t that feel pretty?”
“It tastes like butt!”
“It’s supposed to be like that, butcha know what?
It makes you tough like Superman
You can stay up late and drink out of daddy’s silver cans
You’ll get ice cream every day and at night
You’ll never have to take a bath or shut off the light
The Boogey man won’t eat you and girls will like you
And people will give you free toys and everyone will love you.”
That’s when the teacher walked up
Took away Tommy’s cigarette and ripped it up.
“What are you doing, are you some kinda jerk?”
“Naw, I was just showin’ Tommy there a little magic and it worked.
See, he’s already more popular and people respect him.”
“Are you kidding, he just threw up all over the jungle gym!”
“Tommy’s a little pussy, he can’t handle one little hit,
What say we go behind the teeter totter and fire up some shit?”
“Are you fucking insane?
Do you know what that does to your brain?”
“I know you’re a pretty lookin’ cunt,
And I just want to sit with you and hit this fuckin’ blunt!
Don’t you get high? Everybody’s doin it!”
“No, not me, I don’t do that kinda shit!”
“Fine, more for me and Tommy…
where is that little bitch, did he run home to mommy?”
“Tommy has asthma and he’s havin’ trouble breathin’!”
“Shit, I’m sorry ma’am…sorry he’s a cretin!
Didn’t he know smoke ain’t good for little boys?
He shoulda turned and ran but he didn’t ain’t my fault he wanted to play with my toys.”
“You’re a bad man! Look what you did!”
“So whadya want from me, maybe it was SIDS!
I can’t be held responsible for every little punk
That takes a look at me and then gets hooked on junk.
If they’re so prone to do what I do, ain’t my fault
When I got so many tubes in my chest I look like a fuckin’ robot.”
“But don’t you care? How can you be so cold?”
“Listen slut, I’ll still be smokin’ when I’m eighty years old,
Breathin’ through a trake ring.”
“But how can you do such a thing?”
“Cos I fuckin’ like it, bitch! Now I’m gonna go home,
I got a pack of Luckies with my name on it and we’d like ta be alone.”