I was startled beyond belief,
She was on the pill, which was a relief,
And I even wore condoms, so how could this be?
One mighty seed had worked its way
Through the condom on a powerful spray
And didn’t fall for the clever trick
Of the flimsy sheath on my massive dick.
This sperm was no dolt,
And with determination did bolt,
Flying like a tadpole from hell,
It fought and it got to a hiding egg cell.
Every morning my girlfriend would vomit and hack,
But we just assumed it was from the long years of crack.
When she was late, she didn’t bother to say,
Afraid I’d flip out and drop her that day.
But when I said something about her weight gain,
She broke down and cried and told me her pain.
She begged me to stay, oh, how she pleaded,
She’d do all the work, please don’t leave, she entreated!
I was hurt that she thought I’d do such a deed,
And leave my love alone and in need.
Of course I’ll stay I said, and that you should know,
But get this straight right now, the brat’s got to go.
I’ve worked too hard to let this get in my way,
I’m not ready for a kid, not here, not today.
I can’t afford one, I can’t care for one,
I don’t want a daughter, I don’t want a son.
Abortion is out, she had made that clear before,
She wasn’t a killer and wasn’t a whore.
But I had no such qualms, no fears or remorse,
So I picked her up and squeezed with some force.
She gasped for air, and started to seize,
So I dropped her down, on her stomach, on my knees.
Onto the floor she went, gasping and twitchin’,
I stood up and swung back and gave her a good kickin’.
She finally stopped crawling, the tears stopped flowing,
I thought that was that and that I should be going.
But then she coughed, and started to stand,
So I put the end of the couch on her hand.
That would hold her, I figured, till I could get back,
And then I went upstairs and got me a bat.
I worked over my girl with a Louiseville Slugger,
Telling her all the time that I really still loved her.
She wept and she whined and she screamed and she pined,
As I beat and I kicked and I stomped on her spine.
She asked me why so I told her the rules,
An unwanted baby must die, and then I went for my tools.
Pliers, hammer, clamps and wrench,
I hit and I tore and I cut open the wench.
And there was the fetus, as live as could be,
And it lifted a finger and pointed at me!
It looked right in my eye, and opened its mouth,
It started to speak, which freaked my shit out.
“I bring to you love, good tidings and peace,
“A new hope will be yours, so stop hitting me, please!”
I was amazed at what I had seen,
A super child who had spoken and dreamed.
This amazing being looked just like its dad,
So when I smashed it like a bug I felt kinda bad.
My son, with his great aura and psyche,
Was stuck in the tread of my brand new left Nike.
I scraped it out with a stick on the lawn,
And cleaned and hid and dug until dawn.
No one ever knew, I told them a lie,
My girlfriend had left me for a Bulgarian spy.
They all think she’s a bitch, and well that they should,
She did get knocked up, and I never told her she could.