And to my apartment

Someone was coming

Climbing up an escarpment.

My girlfriend was nestled all snug in my bed

Drained and exhausted after giving me head.

Wearing not but a grin next to her I lay

And was fully intent on staying that way.

I was cozy and warm as I lay there and cuddled

When a noise on the balcony awoke me, befuddled.

Into the living room I ran like the Flash,

I thought ‘twas a cop, and I’d best hide my stash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a ninja in black and armed with a spear!

With a sword on his back and a glint in his eye,

I knew in a moment that I would soon die.

More rapid than bullets his punches they came,

And he shouted and hollered and yelled out my name.

“I am your destiny, I’m here for you, Robb!

“No future for you, you pot smoking slob!”

“I’ll finish with you, then Nick and then Paul!

“I’ll hunt you and find you and murder you all!”

The assassin clearly hadn’t counted on my martial arts schoolin’,

(Of which I had none, but I thought maybe I’d fool ‘im.)

I tried to fight, as at my body he flew,

But I was full of booze, and a little bud too.

I was too sluggish, tired and slow,

And he battered my torso with blow after blow.

As I threw up my hand, and was turning around,

He leapt over my body with a leap and a bound.

He whipped out his katana, and aimed it at me,

So I begged for his mercy and dropped to my knee.

I cried on his thigh and begged for my life,

I wanted to live, finish school, get a wife.

He started to cave, in true holiday spirit,

He lowered his blade; I had no more reason to fear it.

He was sorry, he said, for coming to get me,

But he’d changed his heart; he’d leave and forget me.

I saw it was true, he was a changed man.

And in his moment of weakness, I came up with a plan.

I grabbed onto his balls and pulled with my arm,

To get back at this man who had intended me harm.

I went all out then, ignoring his screaming,

And punched and kicked until blood came out streaming.

I got his sword in my grasp, and I swung and I cut,

Severing an arm and slicing open his gut.

Soon there lay my enemy, vanquished and dead,

And I cleaned up the mess and got back into bed.

My girlfriend asked me if things were all right,

“Everything’s fine, I love you, goodnight.”

Pay close attention to my holiday rhyme,

For ninjas can come anywhere, anytime.

If a black-clad assassin comes for you in your sleep,

Act like a pussy and whimper and weep.

When he takes pity and has mercy on you,

Grab his sword and cut him in two.