HAIKU

HEAD
A man’s severed head
It sits in a pool of blood
I must clean my axe
 
VOMIT
I vomitted blood
There were maggots in the blood
It stained my new shirt
 
MOSQUITO
Swarm of mosquitoes
malicious pests suck my blood
like tiny vampires
 
RAZOR
A sharp razor blade
It slices across my eye
Man, that HURTS
 
SPONTANEOUS HUMAN COMBUSTION
He burst into flame
For no apparent reason
It was pretty cool
 
SPLAT
A speck in the sky
A man fell from an airplane
It was pretty cool
 
POTTY EMERGENCY
I have got to pee
My bladder is really full
Oops! My pants are wet
 
road gooCHIPMUNK ROAD GOO
I hit a chipmunk
Its guts are in my tire treads
Stupid animal
 
SIBLING CONFLICT
I killed my sister
Bashed her head in with a brick
Now I am grounded
 
HEAD II
My head just fell off
Wasn’t screwed on tight enough
I guess mom was right
 
NOSEBLEED
My nose is bleeding
I ran into a brick wall
I do not know why



 
REVENGE
He pisses me off
And now he must pay in blood
Payback is a bitch
 
ODE TO HAIKUS
This is a haiku
It is quite repetitive
Just five, seven, five
 
HEART
I’ll rip your heart out
And hold it up to your face
You’ll watch yourself die
 
BURN
I’ll set you ablaze
And I’ll laugh as your flesh burns
while you scream in pain
 
THE BEATING
A solid oak club
I’ll smash the life out of you
And you’ll die slowly
 
ACIDFLESHBURN
The acid hits you
And it eats away your face
You’re dead, and I laugh
 
NUKE
Nuclear bombs drop
And your flesh is vaporized
Nuclear war’s fun
 
ELECTROCUTION
Electrocution
The energy stops your heart
I laugh at your corpse
 
HOMIE
Don’t diss tha homies
Dey’ll busta cap ‘n yo’ ass
An’ den gank yo’ shoes
 
PLEASE DON’T RAPE MY SHEEP
Please don’t rape my sheep
But if you feel that you must
Please use a rubber
 
SANTA
Hey, you!  Santa Claus!
Get offa my fuckin roof!
Or I’ll shoot your ass!
 
FIRE
Fire is pretty cool
It can make your flesh bubble
And roast marshmallows
 
THE GUN IS OUR FRIEND
The gun is our friend
It can solve many conflicts
And unclog toilets
 
EXPLOSIONS ARE THE ANSWER
Burning rag, gas can
Explosions are the answer
To all life’s problems
 
KNIVES
Knives are lots of fun
They’ll quell the deepest boredom
I really love knives
 
CRUSH
I crushed a man’s skull
I did it with my bare hands
It was loads of fun
 
EAR BLOOD GEYSERS
Blood spews from his ears
Like horizontal geysers
I’ve no idea why
 
KABOOM
Tick...Tick...Tick...KABOOM!
Unabomber strikes again
Pick up that guy’s spleen
 
DRY ERASE MARKERS
Dry erase markers
I inhale the happy fumes
And then I feel good
 
FLY
I swatted a fly
A disease-ridden black fly
It made me feel big
 
SCREEEEEEEEE!
Nails on a blackboard
The sound makes me want to kill
Innocent people
 
THE CUTE LITTLE BUNNY HAIKU
Cute little bunny
You eat my flowers again,
I’ll blow your head off
 
THE BEAUTIFUL FLOWER HAIKU
Beautiful flower
I grind you up and smoke you
Beautiful colors
 
SLACKER
Lindsey’s a slacker
She can’t write her own haiku
I better get paid
 
SMELLY CORPSE
Smelly, rotting corpse
It sits in my living room
It was my mother
 
HAPPYCOLORTRIP
Happy colors dance
LSD is a good friend
On long, boring days
 
BURN BABY BURN
I burned down a tree
It filled me with a great joy
I love to burn stuff
 
TITANIC
The Titanic sunk.
Cameron profitted from it.
Kudos to Cameron.
 
MONICAGATE
L’il Miz Lewinsky,
So the President boinked you.
Do you think we care?
 
THEY SQUEAK, TOO
Small babies are soft.
Knives go in them real easy.
Like warm margarine.
 
THE RENAISSANCE PROVIDES THE ULTIMATE PROOF
Men: Superior.
Women are inferior.
Deal with it, people.
 
JUST DON'T ASK OKAY?
Do you know what sucks?
My girlfriend has a Penis!
Something here’s fishy...
 
ANOTHER HAIKU ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND
This is something wierd:
She had to give me my Nuts!
Before, I had hers.
 
FIZZY SPERMICIDE
Evil Mountain Dew
You are a refreshing drink,
But you kill my sperm
 
WIND IN THE FOREST
A cool, brisk breeze
Blows-cool and brisk- through the hair
on my genitals
 
ODE TO SHOE GIRL
Young girl selling shoes;
You don’t mean a thing to me,
but I’d still fuck you
 
GIRL WITH THE SMALL LITTLE MOUTH
Girl with the small mouth
I wonder how it would be
to get head from you?