From The Chicago Daily Tribune
April 6, 2000

Accused of Slicing, Dicing Family, Unsatisfied Customers
Bail paid in four easy installments of $199.95

From New York; Ron Popeil, inventor, founder, spokesperson, and owner of Ronco, Inc., famous TV market production company, was arrested today at 2:15 a.m., Et.

A warrant was served on the famous infomercial king for the murder of his wife, two daughters, son, and thirteen customers who returned an assortment of his company’s products for a full refund, less shipping and handling.

Police found Popeil after a number of tips from fans of “America’s Most Wanted,” who reported a murderer “as seen on TV.”

When police entered Popeil’s residence, what they saw shocked them. Bodies were strewn about and dismembered, and several had to be identified from dental records. In a vulgar and violent display of barbarity, each victim was killed in a unique way. Although police were hesitant to speak of the exact nature of these crimes, photos from the crime scene were released to the press at 1:15 PM today.

Mrs. Popeil was slain in a particularly gruesome manner. Her body was found in a bloody heap, cut into perfectly uniform waffle cuts, her vital organs in wafer thin slices stacked in a pentagram around her corpse.

One daughter was apparently stuffed into an enormous version of the Ronco Food Dehydrator and mummified, a strip of jerky in her hand. Son, Ron Jr., was found, is frail body skewered, basting in his own natural juices as he spun in a Showtime Rotissere.

When asked about his motives, Popeil claimed that the reason was simply a realization that his life would not be complete until he killed every human being on earth.

Bail was set not at $1,000, or $900, or $800, or even $700, but an astonishing $600, payable in three easy installments of $199.95.