Hey, if you want an explanation, mail me, and I'll explain what
Wacker on dealing with the opposite sex
I'm always on offense.
Wacker on his success in dealing with the opposite sex
The pocket collapsed.
Wacker on modern sex appeal
Women love me even though I smell like hay and motor oil.
Stroup on Stroup
What's wrong with being a cocky little bastard?
Smith on true friendship
John, you've helped me see the error in my ways. Now bend over
and take your pants down!!
Lauren on bitching
Don't complain. Your friends don't want to hear it and your enemies
won't believe you anyway.
Wacker on threat construction
Beware of the penis!!!!! The penis will destroy us!!!!
Dietrich on superficiality
Yeah right! Like she'd date a guy that had no penis.
Thompson on anatomy
Did you know that raccoons have bones in their penises? Andy told
His dad cuts them off, takes them home and makes whistles out of them.
Dietrich on true manhood
I don't see why he called me a fag just because I said Romeo had a nice
It's not like I was out there sleeping with the guy. I was just
admiring a piece of God's machinery.
Shelley on safety
Playing hockey in the nude? That's dangerous.
Shelley on test-taking strategy
I said, 'the heck with it!!' It had square roots and stuff.
Wacker on the merit of class memorabilia
$14 for a pair of shorts I'm just going to ejaculate in anyway?
That's a waste.
Dietrich on Gen. X
I want to be an individual, just like everybody else.
So I'm a conformist.......blow me!!!!
Mills on Logue
Mr. Logue is the original old dirty bastard.
More animosity from Mills in the direction of Logue
I just want to kill him!!!! To bash his face in.....
Austin on being ambitious
You mean you're not gonna whip that pussy????!!!!!!!!!
Vanderhoff on the potential of reactions in Chemistry class
Man, that stuff stinks.
Kindred on the impact of the classical Roman wardrobe
Things got rough in the winter time.
Carrel on the usefulness of a Chemistry formula
I could wipe my butt with PVNRT.
Dietrich on good forensics piece material
You could do one (a duet) from 'The Piano'. You wouldn't
even have to say anything. Do one from a porno!!
Now that would 'get the attention of the audience' and make them
Dietrich on justice
Regarding Brian Smith.......the death penalty will be sought.
Carrel on classic literature
Naked chicks in her eyes.......man it's gonna be a good book!!
Gatsby you son of a bitch!
Dietrich on play T-shirt messages
'I wanna suck your fuckin cock in the back of my car.' That
could be taken badly, out of context.
Dietrich on immigration
I wonder if E.T. had trouble with the I.N.S.
I wish I were a water buffalo so I could have an 18-inch penis.
Carrel on showing respect to a librarian
I would pay to see Fonda shake it under strobes.
Dietrich on Abbott
Tony is the reason they changed the term mail man to postal
Holder on Physics
Is your lever as stiff as mine?
Dietrich on WHAT IT IS AND WHO'S GOT IT
I like whales. I have a big dick.
The ever-speculative Staley William Dietrich
Jay Jackson is staring right at me. I don't know why. Maybe
he's out a date for prom.
More Dietrich pun madness
Yeah, sex is fucked up.
Dietrich on classic literature
I didn't understand it at all. Then again, maybe I should
have read 'Slaughterhouses 1 through 4'.
Dietrich on the potential humor in hip-hop
Somebody should write a song called 'Fat Fart,' only spell it
with a 'PH'. (Phat Phart)
You Cummer!!!! Where did I go wrong?
I pissed on an electric fence and it gave me a boner.
Spellman on SPELLMAN
Just call me Party Sub.
The ever-politically correct Clint Caton on love
I don't understand why girls want to be so skinny. I mean, they're just
gonna get the shit fucked out of them.
Spellman on the classic Western/Musical
Bunch of fags dancin around shootin each other...........
Walker on showing someone you mean business
You should have shot him in the penis. That would've gotten
the message across.
Pope on Pope
I'm the hairy wart on the face of society.
Portrait of Scott Walker as a dietologist
I bet that would cause you to gain weight, if you had a
clogged-up butt hole.
Walker on Rob Peters
(if you're interested, ask me sometime and I'll explain- Caleb)
Captain!!?? Yeah Right!!! Captain of what? His
dick? Hell, he couldn't be Captain of my Grandma's dick!!!!!
Walker on classic literature
Why is there a naked Indian on the cover?
Pope on friendly competition
May the best man win, you son of a bitch.
Portrait of Scott Walker as a film critic
'Willow' is nothing but a bunch of midgets running around with
swords, which is very dangerous.
Pope on Dotson
If you popped all the zits on Ben's face, you would have to get a
butterknife to scrap off all the puss.
Walker on classic poetry
I think it sags like a heavy load.
Walker on Worrall's taste in automotive accessories
I wouldn't get a horn like that if my dick was on fire.
More Walker slamming Peters
'Stephen R. Lawhead is my queer lover......'
Nichols on Tuttle
Pink scissors, pink shirt.......pink dick.
Pope on classic literature
Hester (Prynne) is a slut. She likes big dick.
Walker on cafeteria adventures
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!! Some corn fell on my
Walker on the truth
PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry. That
needed to be said.
Walker on everyone's favorite part of Health class
We're doing the reproductive systems. Can we have
visuals? Hea, hea, hea............. Not of the penis,
though. I've had enough views of the penis.
Walker at his most accusing
You turned around!!! You wanted to see me flexing my penis,
didn't you? You wanted to see whose was stronger.
Walker at his most inquisitive
John. How exactly did you find out that Mrs. Kramer had a
Rhoden on Russian history
It sounds like some sort of disease or something. 'I've got
Spellman on appreciating one's fellow man
I'll tell you one thing, that red-headed mother fucker is one
Walker on appreciating cultural diversity
Hey you!! Fuckin Rabbi!!!
Walker on Matt Cox's transient sense of personal style
He needs to be humiliated a little more. Hey!! Fuck
Walker at his most protective
YOU CAN'T HAVE HIS DICK!
Colston on Great Expectations
It was very naked, but good.
Colston on interpersonal relationships
You don't love me, you think I'm fat!
Mericah the Exchange Student on bizarre temporal anomalies
I was like, 'Shit! The little men are coming to tell me things!'
Cosgrove on abusing women
I'm quick to hit a bitch.
Orkwis on self-centered attitudes in vertically-challenged loved ones
The height of conceit is 5' 4".
McKinney on Worms 2
There’s just something so unwholesome about a tombstone that jiggles.
McKinney on Sentimentality
My girlfriend gave me that Teddy Bear. Give me any shit, and I’ll shove
your nose into your brain.
McKinney on personal gratification
Ha ha, your misery brings me pleasure
McKinney on masturbation
Masturbation is like pissing in the shower -
everyone’s done it but nobody talks about it.
McKinney on the Mysteries of the Cosmos
I woke up - and my pen was gone.
Serena on love
If unrequited love were a religion, I’d be its god.
McKinney on Life
Life’s a bitch that gives you a blow job and then bites your dick off.
McKinney on safe sex
The only safe sex is in a locked bedroom six states away from her
McKinney on Justice
I’d like to shake the hand of the fella who came up with $100 designer
sunglasses - and then hit it repeatedly with a hammer.
McKinney on prostitutes
Change machines are like cheap prostitutes - you only use them when you
really need them, you repeatedly try to slide something old and worn
from your pants into a slot, and you may or may not get change from
your dollar. But nine times out of ten, you end up getting fucked
McKinney on the Pleasures of the Flesh
What the hell?!!! An orgasm in five minutes? Nature fucked men
in the staying power department.
McKinney on Analogies
Analogies are like similes and metaphors - they’re how stupid people
McKinney on Stupid Songs
Would somebody please tell me what the hell a “brimful of asha” is?!
I really want to hate that song, but I just can’t.
McKinney on Crime
It’s not that laws were made to be broken, it’s just that crimes were
made to be committed.
McKinney on the Media
The facts?!! The public doesn’t need its mind clouded by the
McKinney on racism
I only hate one race - the human race.
McKinney on Sex
Sex is like building a model car - you put tab A into slot B, the
pieces never fit exactly right, and when you’re done,
it’s never as good as it was when the salesman showed it to you in the
Serena on entertainment
Two is company and three's a crowd. Four is perverse sexual
Serena on McKinney owning guns
I'm envious, and yet filled with terror.
Rose on romance
Just shut the hell up and kiss me.
Rose on the trials of life
You decide. I'll go pee.
McKinney on Obscurity
I'm shrivelling up like a cosmic raisin of despair.
McKinney on Eroticism
It started out painful, but ended up oddly erotic.
McKinney on Addictions
Hey, if it's tobacco and smoldering, I'll shove it in my mouth.
Orkwis on music video casting
For some reason, I always pictured Martin Short as the devil
Orkwis queries the most intelligent waitress in the world
Do you hate me?
Serena on foliage
Dude- don't dismantle their shubbery.
Spacek on anything female
I wanna tap dat ass.
Orkwis on just about anything
Serena on aimless things
Font. Font. That word has ceased to have any meaning.
Spacek on grooming
I wear the same color nail polish as a 43 year-old black woman.
Orkiws on construction with half-and-half
My tower's crooked.
Serena on himself
Shut up you skinny little bastard.
Orkwis on sentence structure
Okay, so I should have said pussy.
McKinney on air-powered projectiles
Foomp marks the sounds of death.
McKinney discusses ownership of one's friends
Paul is my zip-line bitch.
Tucker on the fine art of negotiation
Throw in some of those four-for-a-dollar thongs, and you got yourself a
Tony (from Hash) on one's sexuality
Damn that revolving door on your closet.
Crary on Serena
Dirty little skank.
Serena on thought processes
Are we seeing a discrepancy in logic here?
Serena on urban rhythmic music (using the words of Orkwis)
I feel so negro.
Danser on being a slut
I'm not promiscuous enough to be a ho.
Serena on NIN
On your knees, bitch!
You heard the lyrics.
Orkwis on protecting one's winky
I gotta go ice my nuts.
Serena on the unbearable lightness of being
I'm so light, I couldn't get off.
Serena on aliens
Typical foreigner. Can't even throw herself at a wall of Velcro (TM)
Danser on magical interference
Don't hex me, bitch!
Serena on the joy of rafts
We could have a wild adventure in your pool.
Orkwis on unwelcome advances
Paul keeps offering to have sex with me. Could you ask him to stop?
Serena on genital improvement
I'd give both my arms for a prehensile penis.
Serena on cup size
Raise the roof. Got bigger breasts than my sister.
Orkwis on the proper use of utensils
The dealer can sit on her spoon and spin.
Serena on the alignment of one's body
I've got two left nipples.
You can't tell, but it's there.
Serena on volume
You could hear my sin.
Spacek on relationships
Clubbing me on the head and dragging me away by the hair does not a
Smitherman on that hot chick Gwen from No Doubt
If she doesn't give you wood, then you're probably gay.
Spacek on word choice
It's the collective "I," sort of the opposite of the royal "we."
McKinney on Clawing Your Way To the Top
Never count out the underdog. ‘Cause it’s the underdog that comes up
from behind and fucks you straight up the ass when you least suspect
it. See, the underdogs are the ones with the biggest teeth and
the sharpest claws, and when you’re not looking, when you’re out
getting rich and fat by screwing over other people, they’re sneaking up
to yer throat. And the second you don’t respect the underdog, the
split second you doubt him, that’s when he leaps. He kills you
and drinks your blood. He gets fat off of you. That’s why I
always root for the underdog. Why I like being an underdog. Cause
every dog has his day.
And when it comes, it’s usually at somebody else’s expense.
McKinney on Leadership Tactics
Being a good leader is knowing when you need to say ‘now,’ and when you
need to say ‘please.’
McKinney on his Middle Name
My name can be for a boy or a girl. It’s originally Norse, and
for a guy means ax-wielding marauder or something.
Then the damn dirty hippies got hold of it and for a girl it
means ‘sunshine princess,’ or words to that affect. Go figure.
McKinney on Velvet
Beautiful women will stroke me.
McKinney on Street Signs
It’s very represetational of the sperm’s struggle to reach the
Crady on the reappearance of foodstuffs
Dudes, come check out what was in my stomach.
I don't remember eating that.
Woods on religious recreation
It was church camp, so it just evokes evil.
Spacek on one's personal appearance
Please, I prefer not to have creamer on my pants.
Hoffman on Crazy Eric
You're not special, you're just fucking weird.
Aubel on the mechanics of scanning
I did it fast, I did it slow, I did backwards, I did it forwards.
Wacker on how to wrangle a chick
Can I kiss you again?
Hatfield on deviant sexual practices
Chris, tell you what- let's eat each other's cum for breakfast each
morning for a week.
Orkwis on fruitless searches
I'm looking for an orgasm. I left one around here somewhere.
Orkwis on hygeine
Would you please lick my urine off your girlfriend, please?
Talley on concert-going fun
I wanna throw a scorpion on Marilyn Manson so he'll scream like a girl.
Spacek on Christ dying for the sins of the world (except Amanda's)
Ennie meenie minie moe, pick a sinner by the toe.
Orkwis on life's goals
I can never be the prom queen.
Orkwis on word choice
Why say woman when you can say evil, evil she-devil with a uterus?
Long on her state of existence
I live in a hypermart world.
Spacek on nocturnal slumbering habits
See? See? It's weird sleeping with your friends, isn't it?
Orkwis on the fantasy world in which he lives
I'm a frat guy, so you want me, right?
Serena on the Wizard of Oz
I used to like that movie, but then I woke up. And you and you
and you were there.
McKinney on inevitability
I’ll show up at your house one day holding a pair of ovaries.
Serena on McKinney’s bizarre sexual offenses
You holding ovaries is the status quo.
McKinney on racial harmony
If there’s anything funnier than a screaming, burning chink, I don’t
know what it is.
Serena on intrinsic badness
My evil has a will of its own.
Serena and Orkwis on relativity
Everything’s subjective, even this statement.
Serena on repayment
You get oral sex now.
McKinney to waitress on striking a bargain
He was going to give me oral sex for a home theater system.
McKinney to waitress on striking a bargain (part two)
Do YOU want a home theater system?
Serena on conformity
The status quo can bite me.
Serena on his personal lot in life
I am the filter on the gene pool.
McKinney on threats/Orkwis on the Backstabbing Bitch
I know where you live. More importantly, I know where you DIE.
Orkwis on parental acceptance
Would you like some carrots while you’re humping my daughter?
Serena on pupil-less cartoon girls
Now I’m afraid that Little Orphan Annie’s gonna come for my soul
Serena on dead prostitutes
You can’t go wrong with dead prostitutes.
McKinney on dangerous individuals
They know what I can do with a plastic bendy straw.
McKinney reprimanding Paul
NEVER look hungry while describing my naked girlfriend!
Brimer on witnesses
Are you allergic to...FIRE?
Serena on insults he didn’t mean and cold genitals
It is sooooooo retracted!
Serena on damaged goods
Aw, man! My quoties are damp!
Brimer on himself
I have no sexual identity.
Serena on McKinney’s appearances on “John TV”
Were you putting your penis in little Mexican girls?
McKinneyon the dude who broke his driver side mirror
He won’t live to see seven years of bad luck. Four minutes tops,
Serena on McKinney and Serena
We are not stable peoples.
Serena on the use of
powerful celestial telescopes for spying on chicks
I can see your soul, naked lady!
Orkwis on fiscal dilemmas
It's hard being evil on a budget, okay?
Orkwis on psychological pain
If mental baggage were real, I'd need a U-Haul.
McKinney on interpersonal relationships
Get off of me. You're a faggot and I don't like you.
Orkwis on the subtlety of body language
Rob, do you find it odd that we are making licky faces at each other?
Spacek on sexual comfort
There's only so much gay sex a man can take before he starts walking
Brimer on flavor
I can still taste Seth.
Spacek on the volume of evacuation
I've never heard a man pee so loudly in my entire life.
Orkwis on simple requests
Jesus, Nick! Don't set Paul on fire.
Serena on mixed metaphors
I'm glad somebody sees the voice of reason.
Serena on biological defects
Don't listen to the diabetic. He is Satan
Orkwis on flavor
It tastes real purty, so you have to keep drinking.
Serena on alcohol (literally)
Ssssssss. BURP! Hee hee hee.
Serena to Orkwis on deviant sexual lifestyles
I need to move my arm before I start liking you in that way.
Orkwis's philosophy of life
So I'm not a nice guy. Fuck you.
McKinney on food as aparell
Picklees on your niplees.
Spacek on eroticism
Whether you intended it to be or not... it was.
McKinney on his love life
I should know better than to have a significant other around you people
Serena on groovy drugs
These are anti-life pills.
Serena on orgasms
Serena on female companionship
It's all right as long as there's jiggly sitting next to you.
Brimer on not speaking during the film
The eerie voice from beyond can blow me.
Serena on artificial intelligence
Ice?! Thank you very much, Knight fucking Rider.
Brimer on "health" food
I may be sterile, but I'm tasty.
Orkwis on wetting one's pants
You hear "sploosh' and I'm all wet.
Serena on dehydrated sperm
Serena on anal sex
Nothing makes sodomy sound so cute as the phrase "dirty butt sex."
Orkwis on farm animals
I like watching cock.
Brimer on his blood
Take it and be laid.
Spacek on his evilness
Cool. Got the heathens to cross themselves.
Orkwis on straws
Blowing bubbles gives me a hard-on. Is that bad?
Abbott is naughty
It's kind of sticky. I don't know if you want to touch it.
Orkwis on anorexia
My penis has a bigger dress size than "Ally McBeal."
Spacek on taking McKinney's girlfriend
Your girlfriend is so naked with me!
Spacek on distance
One of these day we're gonna go too far and someone's gonna end up
Spacek on Craig's love life
There will be no talk of deflowering girls in other states, thank you
Orkwis on Jesus pops
I could not suck on our Holy Lord.
Orkwis on metaphors
I think, metaphorically, we're all in Al Pacino's pants.
Danser on tickling
These are tears of joy, goddammit.
Brimer on urinating with morning wood
It's okay, I got a stiffy.
Serena on pain
It's okay for me not to be creative. I hurt.
McKinney on his inability to sit up
Yes, I can. Push the button.
Spacek apologizes to a crucifix
I'm sorry, Jesus. My bad.
Brimer on medical mischief
Seth, don't tie Rob's IV in a knot.
Orkwis on sexual molestation
Why do your parents want to touch my pee-pee hole?
Mariano on sexual fires
I'd rather blow it out.
Serena on jealousy
Touch my manliness.
Serena on Melissa Etheridge
All right- it's the rug-munching lesbian from Leavenworth.
Spacek on sexual molestation
If you don't stop rubbing my thighs, I'm gonna have to whip out my
Orkwis on window smudges
Are those nipple prints?
Serena on sexual anonymity
Steph, you have a face!
Orkwis on rejection
And that's when I was cast out of hell.
Serena on rejection
I want to be so fucked-up that Satan invokes God's name to get rid of
Spacek on rejection
We're an anecdote.
Orkwis on his lack of facial hair
My ass has a better beard than my face.
Orkwis on diminished hopes
I plan on getting laid about a quarter after... NEVER!
Serena on religion
The Lord is not like heroin, Craig.
Orkwis on sexuality
I compared virginity to a rabid squirrel. Aren't I cute?
Orkwis on the Nuthouse's friendship
Uh-oh, looks like the record player of life is skipping again.
Toole on surprises
Conragtulations. You got me to fall off of my bed.
Mariano on complex sexuality
There's nothing like being in Applebee's with two straight guys singing
Spacek on genital molestation
Nobody's touching my penis... sadly.
Toole on the Lord's mysterious ways
God was watching us. And He said, "Ew."
Power on fast heterosexual love in the Garden of Good and Evil
Power on endurance
I think I'll keep goin' with the scotch.
Church on contemporary fashion trends
I think it's called a 'tee'.
Green on technique
He does it nice and slow, too. He pulls it all the way down.
Power on regret
But alas, my holes have closed....
Green at his most ambiguous
I dated a German.
Serena on deviance
You mean you don't tape fish hooks to your dick? Freak.
Barreto-Vega on employee loyalty
I never read this bullshit.
Green on the brilliance of modern cinema
Dietrich on the frustration of relationships, issues of freedom and
I could be out layin' some pipe.
Wacker on the legistics of religious doctrine
Does that mean she swallows?
Wacker on politics
....Bob Dole wants to cum on your stomach....
Wacker on what a great sport volleyball is
I can't believe how big her fucking tits are.
The rest of her body is so thin and then she's got these massive
knockers just stickin' out.
Wacker on Dalton (Katie, not Ray)
She was downstairs. I talked to her for awhile. Giant breasts.....
Wacker in criticism of the overly gratuitous use of an individual's
She doesn't bring me any joy. Unless she'd suck my cock.
Dietrich on how the more things bees changin'the more they bees
stayin' the same
Yeah. She's hot.
Green in suggestion of the perfect epitaph for one Jason R. Wacker
He was horny.
Orkwis on the Korn concert and its many oddly-dressed attendees
Only I can stand out in a crowd of freaks.
Johnston in legistical analysis of a Mormon mission
A bible in one hand, a stick of candy in the other.
Johnston on religious tolerance
You Mormons are a dying breed.
Green in assessment of the acquisition of sophisticated taste
Probably not. Unless they wanted to see Sean Connery's ass.
Green in critique of the Southern linguistic didactic of
Y'all solves the problem.
Wacker: Naked and Indignant
Dietrich on my mother's sense of personal style.
That looks like the kind of shirt Bobby McFerin would wear.
Bye gorgeous............Bye gorgeous.-----............. (I said) Bye
Orkwis on signage
Tacoriffic, my ass!
Spacek on Orkwis's sexual urges
You're planning illicit romantic liasons?
Spacek on de-evolution
Poof! You're useless.
McKinney, Orkwis, Serena, Brimer, and Spacek on mental rapport
Orkwis on Serena's imbibing of intoxicating beverages
You hold liquor like a sieve holds water.
Serena on Satanic sexuality
Give it to me, Big Daddy Darkness.
Orkwis on his niece reciting the mantra of D-Generation X
It is the most disturbingly cute thing you'll ever see.
Serena on crossing the line
Hear that sound? It's the sound of good leaving forever.
Spacek on visits from Aunt Flo
I know far too much about my friends' menstrual cycles.
Serena on the Bible
I've seen more profound religious statements written on bathroom
Brimer on paperclips
One will hurt, many will kill.
Spacek on goin' down on him
It's a moment of revulsion, followed by willing acceptance.
Brimer on Serena's weakness
You've developed a spine- something I can floss with.
Spacek on Brimer's love life
We need to break your heart more often to enhance your creativity.
The elder Orkwis on computer-assisted maps
Thank you. I was afraid I was going to get lost pulling out of the
Orkwis on the group chemistry of the Nuthouse
We're proof that God is not infallible
Serena on the group chemistry of the Nuthouse
We are the second original sin.
Serena on Mariano on the Pope glass
She's fellating the Pope!
Orkwis on his demise
Even then, I will hack into God's computer and wreak havok.
Spacek on his urgent need to urinate
If that dog doesn't stop lapping, I'm gonna wet my pants.
Serena on his liquor habit
I know I'm drunk when I start hating Jews.
Serena on thin DiscMen
I can put it in my pants so I can masturbate more efficiently.
Spacek on the Nuthouse's friendship redux
Being our friend is like being Hitler's Jewish girlfriend- it's fun and
exciting at first, but you end up getting burned in the end.
Abbott on his addiction
I never knew I had so much porn until I had to pack it.
Spacek on mistaken symbology
Sorry- I'm not used to Christianity.
Orkwis on ghetto mispronunciation
Sorry, I'm not as Negro as I used to be.
Brimer on James Cameron
Pop your neck, pop your cherry.
Orkwis on controversial procedures
Abortion- I don't agree with it until I need it.
Calahan on Fishing
I've been once. That's enough.
Spacek on the fostering of America's youth through educational
Burt is the butch.
Church in critique of Ving Rhames' acting career
He will always be the black guy that got raped in 'Pulp Fiction.'
Wacker on testing the waters
She can take a dip in my pool any time.
Wacker upon having fished for religion, caught it and thrown it back
How obnoxious. I wish that I were dead.
Green in praise of cinematic aesthetic
The mummy's got a nice ass.
Green on exploration, observation and intrigue
I'd videotape Jason Wacker having sex with a pig.
Church, indignant at the usurpation of an evening of wild fun
Those people are straight.
Wacker on the horizons of love
I've got my sledghammer. All I need to do is start cracking some
Wacker on having an ass like Matt Damon's
That's everybody's secret wish.
Wacker on... heaving
Oh, she was hot today... her breasts were heaving...
Wacker on taste, respect and loyalty
I should try and pounce on her.
Herman on style and achievement
Let me see ya get up on all fours.
Kindred on internet "connections"
I think I have a girlfriend.
Huber on the death of Wilt Chamberlain
He was the original pimp superstar from Kansas.
Li on workplace morality
I'm gonna be pissed if I die.
Mocnik on Kansas familial relationships
Honey, what are we gonna do if we're related?
Toole on her degeneration by Orkwis
I went from goody-two-shoes to sex kitten... go fig.
Mocnik in her cute rage
I don't care if you're tall. Dynamite comes in small packages and I'm
Moore on interesting ironies
Gonna smoke cigarettes to lessen my chances of getting cancer.
Toole on the ultimate disappointment
Toole on the Nuthouse
Nuthouse isn't the world of fluffy bunnies... it's more of a bitchy
squirrel type place.
Spacek on anal rape
I don't think I've ever heard forcible sodomy referred to as "raped up
Spacek on German spelling
Wish I had umlauts.
Cassity on lip and cheek enhancement
I've got a theory- the girls with makeup on are whores.
Spacek on infidelity
I only cheat on my girlfriend with one girl at a time, thank you very
Spacek on paying for conversation
It wasn't phone sex... more like phone making out.
Orkwis on the group dynamic of the Nuthouse
We're not friends- we're lack of options.
Toole on sex
A man and a woman doing what nature intended, but with true, complete,
and perfect love....but in a sweaty, noisy way.
Brimer on acceptance
It’s okay. You like alcohol and sex. You’re cool.
Serena on sexxy desserts
I have to PAY? My dessert is a WHORE???
Serena on matchmaking through online RPG
Yeah. There’s a good way to meet someone. It’s like,
‘Hi! I think I’m a dragon!’
Orkwis on real-life romantic liasons with cyberjunkies
Everything you do you have to say: *Paul touches your leg.*
Brimer on Deity abuse
Don’t poke the god.
Mariano on mental molestation
Nobody’s touched me, yet I feel so violated!
Serena on his mistaken sexuality
I don’t fuckin’ know… I am woman, hear me roar.
Spacek on his propensity for wankin' it like a little monkey on crack
The aloe plant’s dead.
Orkwis on Niagra Falls honeymoons
Ooh, it’s falling water. Let’s go do each other.
Spacek on African-Americans in Maine
There’s one. His name is Horace.
McKinney on reproductive fluid misuse
Don’t bask in my semen!
Serena on skewed Quotie ratios
We have more Quoties about my girlfriend the modem than we do about
sex, for Christ’s sake!
Mariano on reflexive responses to her male friends’ behavior
All my girl parts just imploded!
Brimer in subtitles
I am an enormous drooling puppy.
Anonymous on magnetic poetry
I’m about to be left by my drunken, screaming girlfriend.
Brimer on appropriate aborted fetus disposal
You’re gonna flush it, or I’m gonna kick you in the stomach with my
Serena on hat-slappings
It's raining pain.
Spacek on physical violence
I would have respected you more if you had actually broken my nose.
Orkwis on Serena's eroticism
Once again, Paul, you've gone from sensual to creepy in 2.0 seconds.
Serena on old man fellatio
Ooh, wizened testes.
Serena on dirty jokes
If my mouth wasn't full, I would've said it with you.
Serena on his omnipotent impotence
Do not curse your god with a flaccid wee-wee.
Barron on flicking your butt
Anyone wanna find out how flammable a music major is?
McKinney on pre-dawn mayhem
It’s too early for evil.
McKinney on Sean’s choice of massage oil
Don’t bask in my semen!
Lain on Robb’s sleeping habits
You’d better sleep with your back to the wall tonight…
Serena on Robb’s safety whilst sleeping
Bullets go through walls.
Serena on innocence lost
She had her quotie cherry popped.
Toole on fellatio
Get your cum to taste
like chocolate... and you'll get blown more
Toole on passive
I'm tired of having
nothing to do when someone annoys me or makes me cry: I'd like to break some bones.
Spacek (the bitch) on
I will NOT be known as
Spacek on the
simplicity of front-hook bras
*BINK!* There they
Spacek on saying the
right thing at the right time
Congratulations, you just
ruined the jovial mood, pervert.
Spacek on Roadtrips
It would take a truly
soulless thing to drive to California to fuck Sean's girlfriend in the
Spacek on Roadtrips
of Iniquity 2.0
That's the nice thing
about living in the midwest- I could drive to either coast and get laid.
Keith on Hygiene
toothbrush. No ass-licking without a toothbrush.
Toole on President
Vetoin' with da wea-sel!
Orkwis on his mother's
I just wanted to scream,
"You heard us FUCKING!"
Orkwis on his
My high heels make me
look like a badass muthafucka.
Troy on oral sex
I'm offering free
mustache rides at the end of the evening.
Spacek on Britney
Shut up, bitch- the only
thing I want to hear coming out of your mouth is vowels.
Meier on Britney's
I've never wanted to be a
series on inanimate objects in my life.
Toole on morals
Doing drugs and drinking
isn't acting like a 5 year old... unless you're Drew Barrymore.
Mocnik on personal growth
I've matured, I've grown- I'm more into punching people in the eye.
McKinney on cunnilingus
When was the last time your clit saw the light of tongue?
Serena on McKinney's relationships
Wouldn't go jumping into anything, like, for instance, her tight hot
Serena on his rambunctious youth
Which really defeats the purpose of liberating the cookies, but I was a
principle-oriented snackfood freedom fighter.
Serena on last resorts
Ever meet a two year old with poison caps in his teeth?
Serena on his abilities to please
I am something of a machine, aren't I?
Serena on hand jobs and ego trips
I enjoy having my ego stroked second only to my apocalyptic phallus.
Serena on wallabiacal sex
My arousal must be annoyingly inconvenient for you.
McKinney on grammar
Is cunt a pronoun?
McKinney on history lessons
If history has taught us anything, it's that history has taught us
McKinney on His own wittiness
Wow, that was supposed to be sarcastic, but it came out all
profound. God bless airplane glue.
McKinney on pre-dawn mayhem
It's too early for evil.
Colston on Spacek's grocery list
Looks like a list for bomb parts... I've seen it.
Barron on excessive condom usage
Dammit, stop bringing your whores over.
Orkwis on Serena's good point
Oh, oh, oh- I think Captain Weenie has it.
Serena on Orkwis' cunning lingual skills
You're coming home with me tonight.
Orkwis on the unexpected
I was just blindsided by bitterness.
Spacek on exhaustion
I'm gonna sleep like a baby tonight... a baby with SIDS.
Toole on Muppet sexuality
I don't want to picture Kermit in bondage.
Spacek on come-uppance
And the moral of the story is: Don't violently sodomize dinosaurs or
you'll be hit by a truck.
Brimer on feminine logic
What insane girly answer will she come up with next?
Spacek on his lack of manliness
If anyone knows about small dicks, it's me.
McKinney on sage advice
If I go for something heavy, you have to run very fast away from me.
Bin Laden on Fat Bitch Ho usage as a weapon of war
I buy Slurpee and Big Mac and watch "Friends," but please just take her
Spacek on memory conditions
It won't let me remember things that let you know where I am.
Serena on "Pinoccio's Revenge"
It's actually the highest budget movie ever made. They shot a good
movie and then digitally removed it.
McKinney on linguistics
We get off on big words that mean "hurt."
Boland on prospects
No future for you!
McKinney on mimetic poly-alloy girlfriends
Hopefully, she'll just terminate Nick and leave us alone.
McKinney on the tactical behavior of bees
And this time, they had scissors.
McKinney or German word problems
Eef you haf 8 meelion Jews, und you sahbtract 6 meelion Jews, how many
Jews do you haf left? Toooooo many...
McKinney on Serena's future
...For the rest of your life. Which will be short and nervous.
McKinney on sexuality
Make it extra raunchy with a side of kinky.
Boland on "Knocked Her Up, Knocked Her Down"
It was a bit frightening, but it rhymed.
Random large ho on consequences
You best stop talkin' shit, or you will be shamed.
McKinney on his lack of inhibitions
Sometimes I walk around naked in my apartment while I kill babies.
Bechtold on satisfaction
I will be her dirty fuck Muppet.
Orkwis on the horrible truth
We write down funny things we say and put them on our website.
Brimer on Pokemon
I couldn't catch 'em all... dear Lord, I couldn't catch 'em all...
Tackett on drug usage (or her lack thereof)
I don't even have the lingo right.
Ireland on religion and phallic infatuation
Jesus is fond of cock, nonetheless.
Orkwis on his influence
I'm more bad suggestions.
Spacek on after-hours fun in Tampa
There's plenty to do- like sucking dick for crack.
Orkwis on opportunities
If I didn't look like me, hey, I'd be all for that.
Crazy lady at WWF RAW on moving forward
Those bastards held you back, didn't they?
Random Hastings chick on faux pas
Well, pardon me- my face is bleeding.
Orkwis rhymes and chastises
Dude, you are so ruining my 'tude.
Orkwis on religious debt
Daddy said Jesus doesn't like cheapskates.
Brimer reaffirms his heterosexuality
I'm gonna masturbate to porn- STRAIGHT PORN!
Orkwis on sadness and patheticity
The insult isn't that we're gay, it's that we're bad at it.
Brimer on Spacek's fear
I can hear the pouty face.
Orkwis on unavoidable occurences
Nothing ruins my evening like being covered in Sean seed.
Spacek on his desire to be popular
Club me on the head and make me good at sports.
Serena on phallic superiority
I'm not ashamed of my cock- I SHAME with my cock.
Brimer on Anne's promiscuity
No matter what your parents say, trust me- they're pro-choice.
Orkwis on intense studying
Interesting factoid: my brain is goo.
Sister Susan on sexual innuendos in modern literature
I'm an old celibate nun. What the hell do I know about sex?
Orkwis on Our Savior Jesus Christ's accounting skills
He tried to help with accounting but apparently the Son of God can't
keep his debits and credits straight.
Keith on Brimer's virility
I think he'd hurt [Paul] if he fucked him the way he fucks me.
Serena on uncooperative condensation
It's because the fog hates you, Nick.
Brimer on cinema
You mean this is based on a book?!?! I'm gonna go see Black Knight
Orkwis on Brimer's emotional trauma
Something about a man your size curled up with a blankie is just
Brimer on fun
Well, I've got a camera and a bathroom. I'll be back.
Spacek on drugs
That's the good thing about acid...
Spacek on Orkwis' sexual technique
Faster, harder, slower, deeper, left, right, wrong hole, WRONG HOLE!!!
Orkwis on fate
Well, Nick- you get set on fire.
Orkwis on Spacek being a gay queer
I don't know how this works out, but you have sex with tractors.
Brimer on discussions
There's nothing like dirty butt sex to liven up a conversation.
Spacek on beliefs
Craig doesn't believe in sex. He thinks it's a plot to make him think
he's missing out on something.
Orkwis on likes and dislikes
You know you'd prefer a Nick-wich.
Serena on Spacek's fatty hands
That's where all the penis material went.
Orkwis on role reversal
Aw... Sean got the penis today.
Serena on smoking and the joy it brings him
Yay, I get to die now.
Spacek on smoking
Cock doesn't make your clothes smell.
Keith on mealy-mouthed descriptions
Why don't you just say she stuck it in her twat?
Brimer on how tires are lost
...with queer vision.
Serena on the hazards of smoking
I think that if Sean was pregnant, it'd be complicated enough as it is.
Brimer on Serena and McKinney's recreational use of contemporary
I'm afraid to inhale deeply in your pillows.
Brimer on "yeah..."
I was built for a hummer.
McKinney on a Stoned Revelation
Here is a superfilous bicycle.
McKinney on his genitals
I knew I wouldn't give it to you, but I'd hoped you wanted it.
McKinney on Anime
Do you know what they've done? They've made the movie smaller and
more efficient. They've miniaturized the cinema!
McKinney on the Jap "Love Experience"
They have made it compact and efficient!
McKinney on "Pussy" incense
If you took a happy vagina, turned it into a mathematical equation, and
the answer was sunshine, yeah.
McKinney on his perfection
Perfection is a small box to fit in.
McKinney on being intolerable
If I wasn't your boyfriend, could you stand me?
McKinney on hard-core reality TV
The series wasn't cancelled. The star was.
Lamore on making a buck
Robb, you're a dumbfuck, but I'd suck your dick for a dollar.
McKinney on his Christmas gift
But I don't wear makeup. I smoke pot.
Spacek on free time
We're the reason they restarted the draft.
Brimer on bisexual girlfriends
Wow, we have the same taste in women... are we going to be tasting the
Keith on Brimer's furry little beast
He's only licking my hand 'cause is smells like twat.
Brimer on Orkwis' PR skills
Congratulations, Craig, you've reached new levels of dick-titude.
Brimer on feces
Poop comes in so many interesting colors.
Brimer on his sexual prowess
I like it when you fall asleep after sex. it makes me feel triumphant.
Abbott on past relationships
The word horrible doesn't begin to encase the sheer terror and agony,
but it will have to do.
Orkwis on patheticity and Spacek
She who laughs loudest currently has sex with Nick.
Brimer's mom on friendless D&D geeks
And they get really touchy when you kill their unicorns.
Keith on prerequisites 1.0
It's only a Quotie if I say twat.
Keith on prerequisites 2.0
Can Canadians be Jewish?
Keith on prerequisites 3.0
It didn't have twat in it!
Spacek as Dole
Nobody loves Craig- you know it, I know it, and the American people
Orkwis on Spacek's romantic intentions
Watch out, Katja! He's in love with Mer!
Spacek on being single
No, no, no. Not now. I want random sex with unknown women.
Brimer on Orkwis
Honey, I think I just got laid.
Orkwis on uber-visible smoke
I don't like being able to see death like this.
Spacek on boy bands
A little hip-hop, R&B and wussitude mixed together.
Garrett on rising prices
Getting a black prostitute to shit on your face is so pricey these
Spacek on low-rent strip clubs
Yeah, reality's a bitch, ain't it?
Ireland on puppet beatings
Take that, you stuffed motherfucker!
Orkwis on stipulations
That's the only way I'm licking your rectum, Paul.
Orkwis on Crackerdom
I'm so white I'm not 'honky'; I'm 'honk-AY!'
Hoffman on Metaphysical Mathematics
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Serena on anal fixations
I really wish you'd stop talking about fucking me in the ass.
Orkwis on physical assmatics
I'm not a zero, and I didn't divide you completely.
Orkwis on hypocricy
I'm allowed to be a hypocrite, but you aren't.
Serena on infinite volume with finite surface area
Not only does the shape blow your mind, but it's malicious as well.
McKinney on "The Need for WWF" commercial
The human soul just can't survive unless it knows what the Rock is
Klingensmith on cell phone mortality
I now know that my phone will flash before committing electrical
Orkwis on hot chicks and intelligence
In the end though, it all boils down to this: I don't care if she can't
even spell her name, I just want to get on her.
Spacek on Sarah Silverman
I'm not worthy to hump her couch.
Serena on Brimer's social skills
He's an agony-socialist.
Orkwis on proper grammar
I don't think you can use "fuckstick" in that context.
Orkwis on improper attraction
There are a lot of hot girls at St. Mary's... and not all of them are
Orkwis on sexual fetishes
They say beauty is in the eye of the bholder, but even the beholder
told me to put a bag over my head.
Brimer on "using the other hand"
Yeah, but it scares me in the shower, though.
Orkwis on his place in the world
The only way I could be more of an American cliche is if I was the star
QB of my high school football team and I married my high school
Unfortunately, I was unable to play football and my high
school sweetheart is a whore.
Spacek on Orkwis' first name verbiage
I don't want to know how you "Craig" someone.
Orkwis on his views towards everyone
Here's a Quotie for you, fucker- "You suck!"
Spacek on walking and smoking
Oh, great- we're Reservoir Dorks.
Serena on his lot in Orkwis' life
I'm his practice round.
Orkwis on Brimer's hypcocrisy
Oh, jokes about sex with Paul's mom... funny. Giving your mom a serious
deep dicking... bad.
Orkwis on keeping watching out for the best interests of one's
Friends don't let friends fuck Steph.
McKinney on on be watched out for
I knew I didn't have any friends.
McKinney on mocking of Serena
I'm just listening to you remind him of what he is.
Serena on Brimer's extensive knowledge
You're like the Martha Stewart of sex toys!
McGee on Spacek quitting smoking
Why smoke cigarettes when there's sucking cock?
Spacek on his quitting smoking
I'd punch a nun for a smoke right now.
Brimer on Morgan's propensity for violence towards Orkwis
She's gonna beat the honky out of you.
Spacek on Serena's evening plans
Aw... you're gonna be suckin' cock.
Serena on his evening plans
Looks like I'll be eating my words... and a whole lot more.
Spacek on advantages and disadvantages
Rodney's worse for your nipples than bacon grease.
Bechtold on grammatical romantic issues
The problem with the woman I want is that she's not being chased, she's
Hyle on Brimer's thinking pattterns
Yep. Followed your logic all the way to la la land.
Belt on girls crossing the street
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind- and it's a woman's hair
and a fine behind.
Serena on exes
With my last girlfriend, I wasn't even invited to the relationship.
Orkwis on Moore kickstarting puberty
I broke my Underoos... I'm sorry, Spider-Man... I'm sorry...
Brimer on Shiva sex
I got a handjob from a deity!
Orkwis is a big geek
Orkwis on True Love
I wrote your name on my favorite tube sock.
Serena on Spacek providing for his family
Hey Baby, we got bumper-bumper carpeting!
Terron on breaking the ice
Nothing bleeds like a scrotum.
Serena on Orkwis’s ‘cute’ nipples
Yes, Craig. You are the pinnacle of Man-nipple evolution. Are you happy?
Serena, pointedly ignoring Orkwis
You know, if Craig were here, I wouldn’t like him.
Serena on the personal attributes of his friends
Okay, so you’ve got a small schlong and you’re a nerd. Whoopee-doo.
Orkwis on self-image
I don’t like Quoties about my small cock.
Serena on coping
Yeah, my academic dismissal letter depressed me, so I went upstairs and
Diana on her athletic liasons
They’re not all black.
Serena on insanity
You really can’t fight this sort of crazy.
Serena on possible cures for insanity in others
So, you want to shake the crazy loose?
Serena on terminated relationships, moving on, and the general
nature of women
Hi, Rebound Guy! Wanna marry me?
Orkwis on preferences
My hang-down is for chicks only, a'ight?
Orkwis on dancing cheek to cheek
Alright, you put your face on my ass, and we’ll dance.
Serena on his social abilities
I'm people that knows person.
Brimer on cinematic redemption
I don't want to see the movie that makes me say, "Well, at least we
watched Thumb Wars today."
Spacek on himself
I'm sorry I am.
Serena on Nuthouse intelligence
I guess we're not smart enough to discuss anything more intellectual
Toole on social mathematics
Five wrongs make a Nuthouse.
Orkwis on futile hopes
I wish there'd stop being Quoties about my tiny cock.
Asa on physical attraction
She looks so good, I'd use both fists.
Spacek on life and how he lives it
I do my best when I'm at my worst.
Serena on Orkwis' "fast hands"
There must be some advantages to long-distance relationships.
Orkwis on his "fast hands"
Thank God for chronic masturbation.
Serena on his card-playing abilities (accentless)
Crikey, I suck.
Serena on the maliciousness of the Devil
You're a prick, Satan.
Tackett on working with the public
Even assholes have someone who loves them.
Serena on his situation
It wouldn't be my life if it wasn't futile.
Brimer on billiard dynamics
Wait a minute, Craig- your table's set on "suck."
Brimer on good parenting
I wonder if your dad is an asshole... or if he's just trying to protect
from the mistakes he made.
Orkwis on the Rock's foreign policy
Do you smell what the US is cookin'?"
Brimer on alternative lifestyles
Yeah, if I turn out to be gay, I don't think I could date anyone out of
Spacek on creative writing
At some point, somebody's getting dismembered with a chainsaw. That's
all I have to say.
Brimer on career moves
They have pills online. I can be a porn
***The most common Quotie ever***
Dude, what was that Quotie you had the other day?
Brimer on Cranium's puzzle-naming
Why don't you use a real word, fuckstick?
Woolery reveals her horribly
repressive upbringing, re: the
Why, is it good?
Spacek on working while under the
Believe it or not, you can make amazingly good bread when totally
Woolery on roommate relations
He probably makes fun of you to his friend. And by friend, I mean his
Spongebob Squarepants pillow.
Skaggs on losing the big game
We lost, but we can still drink beer.
Serena on babysitting difficulties
Sometimes you gotta shake 'em pretty hard before they go to sleep.
Munoz on Mormons overseas
The best missionary positions are very competitive.
Toole on cinema nudity via teen
It wasn't even good wang.
Orkwis on the state of the union and
its eating habits
There are times I think this country needs a backhand.
Spacek on he and Woolery's culinary
We're like kitchen ninjas.
The eldest Orkwis sister on her
I can't be a lesbian. I don't even like licking stamps.
The youngest Woolery on holiday excess
I have too many presents. I like it that way.
Orkwis on the cold's effect on femine
I think she was wearing an anatomically correct bra.
Orkwis on Elmo fur
He was like the veal of Muppets.
Orkwis on innovative wrestling gimmicks
I like any show where superheros fight gay strippers.
Toole on putting Orkwis in his place
I tried not to whip you, but you made it so easy.
Orkwis on thwarted romatic gestures
I was wooing you, bitch.
Toole on skull-fucking Rand McNally's
Oh, dear, that's just wroooong.
Serena on Toole's ailments
That's where she feels the pain of knowing us.
Orkwis on the hazards of living with
one's significant other
Oh great, you made me accessorize before I sleep. Now I'm gonna dream
all gay and stuff.
Spacek on satiating one's fast food
I'd kill me a honky for a cheeseburger right about now.
Orkwis on female biology and their
lack of Adam's apples
Maybe that's where sanity and logic are located.
Spacek on his chances of doing it on a
I can't get road head.
Brimer on Orkwis' "rules"
What more do you want from me? I'm clothed, dammit!
Nord on hetero man love
I don't wanna mouth fuck you, but I love you.
Toole on nocturnal gymnastics
I am surprisingly flexible when I sleep.
Serena on how he starts his day
Look at my body- do you think it wants to live?
Spacek the wife on bedding down with
Thank you for having a fever last night. It kept the bed toasty.
Toole on the smugness of Serena
Congratulations, you're prissy.
Orkwis on impending death
Oh great. We're all going to die because of Spacek's premature
Toole on Orkwis' dancing skills
I'm being freaked on.
Serena on condom usage
Sometimes, I just roll one on for nostalgia's sake.
Toy on boundaries
Sean Kilkenny Brimer! Stay out of my ass!
the Elder Spacek on the virtues of
That's why I moved out here- so I could pee in the yard!
Serena on the joys of the unfiltered
Yeah, but bottled water doesn't have that "sifted through pennies"
Orkwis on Brimer's foray into
Oh great, and
this is the man that we're supposed to trust on his Native American
shoe stealing theory.
Serena on Brimer's parents
Just Mr. and Mrs. Brimer yodelling in a field, devoid of
anyone. Interesting people, really.
Orkwis on wrestling partners
He works better with a strumpet.
Spacek on vaginal elasticity
It's not like it snaps right back. It gapes for a few seconds.
Serena on the Nuthouse Annex cats'
When they start tongue-kissing, it's not prison-gay anymore.
Orkwis on Toole's John Cena yearnings
She'd rather get the F-Me than the F-U.
Spacek, regarding wrestlers in pink
He doesn't have to explain his masculinity, 'cause he's banging that
copious bubble butt.
Orkwis on Black Irish
Faith and begorrah, foo'!
Brimer on slutty neighbors
Bitch, what you lookin' at? Go flooze it up somewhere else!
Serena on death to traitors
At least we're not carrying around Team Yoko's dead weight.