In a remarkable
study
recently conducted by SarcasTech Labs, a California-based research
company,
the popular “energy drink” Red Bull was discovered to have drastic side
effects
on frequent consumers of the product.
The manufacturers of Red Bull, a
potently
sweet concoction of herbal stimulants, caffeine, and sugar claim in
their
ad campaign that “Red Bull gives you wings.” Until recently the
slogan
was thought to be just that-- a slogan, one whose message was
interpreted
worldwide as meaning simply that Red Bull gives you a boost of energy.
In October of 2002, a former Red
Bull
corporate employee, whose name we withhold at his request, turned over
to
SarcasTech Labs a thick binder crammed to bursting with top secret
corporate
documents. While the exact contents of these documents are not
available
to us, we do know that they largely concerned the negative side effects
of
Red Bull.
After nearly a year of exhaustive
research,
SarcasTech Labs has released the fruit of their toil to the
public.
It would appear that Red Bull’s slogan is, in truth, a legal disclaimer.
“The energy drink Red
Bull,”
announced Dr. Vic Tishis, “is marketed as an energy-boosting
beverage.
In truth, it is an insidious mutagenic substance which causes in its
victims
a painful, permanent metamorphosis the likes of which have never been
observed
by the scientific community.”
The statement was issued Friday
by
Tishis, head of the Red Bull project and expert in both chemistry and
genetics,
and referred to the shocking fact that, consumed in large quantities,
Red
Bull really will give you wings.
“You have to drink a lot of the
stuff,”
explained Tishis, who agreed happily to an interview. "Something
on
the order of five cans a day, every day, for a solid month. It
varies
depending on body chemistry and all sorts of other variables.
Even
race appears to be a factor, although we can’t say that for sure.
We’re
looking into that aspect, along with other factors.”
In sufficient quantities, the
ingredients
in Red Bull will gradually rewrite your genetic code, switching certain
genes
on, others off, and in two amazing and unprecedented events, actually
recombining
elements in a victim’s DNA to create new genes not found anywhere in
nature.
The end result is the budding and rapid growth of large, elegant, and
most
astounding, functional wings.
“The wingspan of most of our test
subjects
averaged nine to ten feet. Coloring varies from basic white to
some
frankly stunning iridescent rainbow patterns. And, yes, they
work.
An entirely new system of musculature develops with the wings, which
are
enormously powerful regardless of the subject’s general health,”
reports
Tishis.
Aside from the development of the
muscles
and wings themselves, the Red Bull Effect also alters metabolism and
bone
structure. Heretofore unheard-of amounts of energy are drawn from
normal
amounts of food, the body itself becomes orders of magnitude more
efficient
in managing energy. A subject’s entire skeletal system becomes
both
stronger and lighter as his normal bones are replaced with a bizarre
material
that has scientists stumped.
“This is not something that can
be
found anywhere in nature,” says Tishis. “I won’t go so far as to
say
it’s unbreakable, but it is damn strong. And light. When
you
combine this fact with the higher efficiency of the subjects’ bodies,
the
result is not only a person who can fly with amazing grace and speed,
but
a person who is easily twice as strong as a normal human being of
comparable
size.”
The price for these benefits, it
seems,
is the excruciating pain of metamorphosis, a process which can last as
long
as three weeks, and a permanent, severe addiction to Red Bull. As
reported
by SarcasTech Labs, withdrawal symptoms (which begin about fifteen
hours
after last dose of the drink, and worsen rapidly) include but are not
limited
to the following:
Headaches,
Behavioral changes and mood swings,
Uncontrollable tics both physical and verbal,
Hallucinations,
Digestive and excretory difficulty,
Joint pain,
Vision problems,
Extremely degraded mental performance,
Pervasive, extreme itching accompanied by breakouts of pus-filled
blisters
Extreme paranoid schizophrenia
Seizures
Sudden, catastrophic bleeding from the ears, nose, eyes, mouth, anus,
and
genitalia
Bouts of suicidal depression and/or homicidal rage
Coma (lasting hours to possibly years)
Development of lethal allergic reactions to random substances
Heart attack(s), stroke(s), aneurysm(s), etc. Possibly
simultaneously
Immediate, total internal clotting of blood
Sudden stoppage of life, without apparent cause
Unpredictable loss of molecular cohesion
“The list reads like the
collaborative
nightmare of Stephen King, Wes Craven, and a severely
narcotics-addicted
Michael Crichton,” commented Dr. Tishis. “And we keep discovering
new
symptoms. We haven’t even released the really nasty ones to the
public.”
Luckily, the symptoms can be
warded
off with the simple consumption of Red Bull, although the amount needed
to
return to a normal state increases exponentially as time passes from
the
onset of symptoms. The problem comes from the high cost of Red
Bull,
which runs between two and five dollars for an 8 oz. can. Unable
so
far to synthesize the beverage in their labs, SarcasTech has begun
hijacking
shipments of Red Bull to keep their subjects alive and healthy. A
few
employees admit to robbing gas stations and grocery stores on their own
time
out of sympathy for the victims of the Red Bull Effect.
“Thankfully, all those affected
were
volunteers. Before testing began on humans, we allowed anyone who
was
interested to review all the material we had collected. This
included
the original Red Bull corporate documents, which were rather
frightening,
and all of our preliminary analysis and animal testing results.
We’re
still working frantically to find a way to synthesize Red Bull, but we
can’t
quite get it.”
It seems that there is some
secret,
high-tech manufacturing process that makes Red Bull impossible to
duplicate
outside of an actual Red Bull plant. Says Tishis, “All of our
attempts
have been absolutely cataclysmic failures. We’ve had results
ranging
from simple failure of ingredient combination to total destruction of a
multi-million
dollar facility. On the bright side, we’ve developed a fuel that
can
power a hypersonic aircraft continuously from now until the year 2509,
using
only a VW Bug’s gas tank full of the stuff. Of course, that
unexpected
achievement is somewhat negated by the loss of twenty people on the
previous
attempt. We still haven’t figured out where they went, but we’re
hoping
they’re still in the building. Wherever that is.”
Dr. Tishis assures us that SarcasTech Labs has
numerous highly secret projects
in the works, all of which are aimed at discovering what the correct
manufacturing
process may be.
“I really cannot tell you more
about
that, though,” he says. “I’ve probably said too much
already.
I pray none of the operatives will be compromised.”
The next chapter in this
incredible
story is still unwritten. However, Dr. Tishis, his career,
wealth,
and fame already assured at the age of 26, tells us that the true
implications
of this discovery may take years to unfold.