Paul Serena reporting

Troubling times have long been making the lives of NASA employees uncertain; The ailing space agency has become mired in bureaucratic muck and political and public doubts. Strings of glitches and very public failures-the most serious of which being the tragic loss of Columbia in 2003- have left the American public wondering why their tax dollars are being spent on an apparently ineffective organization. Space exploration, it seems, has lost its magic appeal in recent years; the country’s focus has shifted to matters of international terrorism and split-second boob flashes during half-time shows.

Sensing that the general public no longer has their back, NASA officials announced on Thursday that they would be striking deals with Evil Geniuses and Mad Scientists.

In exchange for massive funding, NASA has offered megalomaniacal evildoers from all corners of the planet free access to NASA resources and Administrative powers. The world’s foremost space exploration agency will, in effect, become the world’s most technologically advanced terrorist organization.

Dr. Vic Tishis of SarcasTech Industries jumped at the chance for these extensive resources, though we is quick to assert that he is not actually a ‘mad’ scientist. Says Tishis, “I’m really not bent on Word Domination. I don’t have any Arch Nemeses, or anything like that. I do, however, run a fairly successful research company which would really benefit from NASA’s resources. Basically, I’m renting NASA with my donations. They get my money and brainpower, I get whatever I need from them, no questions asked.”

Through Tishis, this reporter learned that NASA has already signed on a small army of what may melodramatically be referred to as Supervillains. These warped maniacs are typically fantastically wealthy but limited in their resources, which is why the world has been safe until now from their psychopathic plots. Contrary to popular belief, their money could not previously get them what they needed. Now, however, they will be able to wield the vast amounts of data, research, and facilities of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. NASA will pool the money and any scientific advances made by these intelligent sociopaths. The plan is to continue with their original plans for the exploration of space while at the same time accommodating the Evil Geniuses. With the vast influx of money expected, this plan seems likely to work.

“The Mad Scientists are, of course, perfectly willing to allow NASA to continue its non-Evil work, as this adds to the general pool of knowledge available to them. Remember that just because they’re evil doesn’t mean they’re not just as curious as normal scientists. Also, there is a stipulation that NASA can use Evil Plots to further their own more benign projects,” explained Tishis. “It’s truly a symbiotic relationship that will benefit everyone involved at the expense of the lives and security of the general population of Earth. Innocent people are, of course, doomed. But they can rest secure knowing that NASA will finally be back on track with its legacy of scientific exploration.”

Anonymous sources provided a sneak peak at some of the Evil Plots already in the works. We’ve been asked to withhold names of the Evil Geniuses plotting these schemes, in order to protect our sources:

A permanent moon base armed with high-powered lasers is planned for late next year as a foothold for its developer to eventually conquer the solar system. NASA has tacked on a remote power station, which will harness solar radiation that will be beamed to an earth-orbiting array of satellites, and from there beamed to Earth itself as a source of extremely cheap, non-polluting, endlessly renewable power available to the entire world.

Thirty separate orbital weapons platforms will pepper the sky and threaten a neighborhood near you by spring 2006. Many of these will be networked together by NASA to provide the largest telescope ever created. Images of distant cosmic objects from each platform will be combined to create the most vivid, far-reaching, and accurate images imaginable. “The imaging power,” commented Tishis after reading about the idea, “will be astronomical. No pun intended.”

The Hubble space telescope, one of NASA’s most well-known near-failures will be further enhanced. It will, on demand, be capable of aiming its imaging apparatuses directly at Earth. It will have extraordinary imaging powers far beyond the spy-sat technology of today. The newly enhanced telescope will be able to resolve objects with such clarity that you would be able to determine in which mint a tarnished penny was produced. The Hubble Doomscope, as it has been renamed, will be used to spy upon, blackmail and-using highly focused sunlight- fry unsuspecting individuals. It will be capable of extrapolating images through roofs of buildings, dense foliage, etc. The Doomscope can, with the push of a button, aim a highly focused beam of sunlight with enough accuracy to vaporize a fly on a hose’s hindquarters. From orbit. “Damn. That’s some scary shit. I wonder if (name withheld) will let me get some time on that sucker. There’s good research in that,” said Tishis.

Despite the obvious danger to the innocent people of planet Earth, the deal should be viewed as a positive development. Not only will NASA get back on track and fulfill many of its old promises, but the world itself will be able to join together, united under the threat of a cabal of highly motivated Evil Geniuses with nearly endless resources. This deal could usher in a new era of international cooperation. Cooperation based in paralyzing terror, perhaps, but cooperation nonetheless.

We will provide updates on this developing story as they become available.