Paul Serena reporting for The National Misinformer
    A landmark study recently conducted by Dr. Vic Tishis of SarcasTech Industries has proven that it is not possible to literally “slap the black” out of a human being.

    Several weeks ago, Tishis was dining with his family at an Applebee’s bar & grill when an argument erupted at a nearby table between a young black couple.  According to Tishis, the young man was threatened by his companion, who told him she intended to “slap the black” right off him.

    Intrigued, Tishis began wondering at the possibility of actually removing a human’s skin pigmentation via force.

    “I thought of many questions.  Foremost, can it be done?  If so, how much force is required?  Would darker-skinned people need to be slapped harder?  What would happen to the black after it had been slapped out?  Could the black be put back in?  I knew I had to research these ideas immediately.”

    Soon, Tishis had gathered a group of six volunteers, all young men, of varying skin tone.  He described the experiment, its inspiration, and the payment each would receive in return for their assistance.

    “I had decided,” explains the doctor, “that since these guys were going to spend the next week getting slapped around, the least we could do was compensate them for the pain.”

    The six “slappees” were housed in free rooms on the premises, so researchers could monitor them.  It was thought that the black might not all come off at once.  It might, for instance, leak out gradually during the night.

    On the first morning of the experiment the subjects were led to private cubicles and seated in comfortable chairs.  Specialized equipment was set up to monitor factors of skin tone, and and various elements of the slapping itself.  The slapping was to be carried out by black females, since it was thought that the slapping might cause a black-loss in the hands and arms of those doing the slapping.  There was one woman for every man, and all six women declined monetary compensation, stating eagerly that the task was its own reward.

    Arrayed around the slappees were various receptacles for catching the black.

    Says Tishis, “We had no idea how it would come off.  We didn’t know if it would be little flakes, large sheets, in liquid form, or what.  So we set up al sorts of things to catch it, like buckets, nets, sponges, large plastic sheets; You name it, we probably had it set up.”

    At first, slap force was kept at a minimum.  Over the next few days, both force and frequency of the slapping was gradually increased, as was the style of slapping itself.

    “We did the traditional open-hand slap, backhands, across the forehead, the back of the head (both direct and glancing), various combo attacks, and many other ways,” Tishis explains, “Everyone was encouraged to try new methods.”

    Alas, nothing seemed to work.  All the black-catching receptacles remained empty the planned day for conclusion of the experiment.

    “Even after a solid seven days of getting abused by extremely eager young women, the slappees retained not only their color, but a great sense of humor.  We were lucky to get a group of youngsters who were so open-minded.  In fact, we’re all getting together for dinner next week.  Everyone really hit it off.  No pun intended.  It’s truly refreshing to see evidence that society has not lost interest in genuine scientific research.”

    Despite the fact that no black was slapped off, Tishis was quick to deem the experiment a success:  “The idea was to find out if it could happen, and I believe that we have proven it cannot.  It would seem people of color have no need to worry about losing their ethnicity though physical force.  Actually, we have a long term follow-up experiment in the works, inspired by remarks made by the subjects in a few instances.  The idea is to determine if anybody’s grandchildren felt it.  The results should be fascinating.”