STUDIES SHOW ETHNICITY
NOT REMOVABLE BY PHYSICAL TRAUMA
Serena reporting for The National Misinformer
A landmark study recently conducted by Dr. Vic
Tishis of SarcasTech Industries has proven that it is not possible to
literally “slap the black” out of a human being.
Several weeks ago, Tishis was dining with his family
at an Applebee’s bar & grill when an argument erupted at a nearby
table between a young black couple. According to Tishis, the
young man was threatened by his companion, who told him she intended to
“slap the black” right off him.
Intrigued, Tishis began wondering at the possibility
of actually removing a human’s skin pigmentation via force.
“I thought of many questions. Foremost, can it
be done? If so, how much force is required? Would
darker-skinned people need to be slapped harder? What would
happen to the black after it had been slapped out? Could the
black be put back in? I knew I had to research these ideas
Soon, Tishis had gathered a group of six volunteers,
all young men, of varying skin tone. He described the experiment,
its inspiration, and the payment each would receive in return for their
“I had decided,” explains the doctor, “that since
these guys were going to spend the next week getting slapped around,
the least we could do was compensate them for the pain.”
The six “slappees” were housed in free rooms on the
premises, so researchers could monitor them. It was thought that
the black might not all come off at once. It might, for instance,
leak out gradually during the night.
On the first morning of the experiment the subjects
were led to private cubicles and seated in comfortable chairs.
Specialized equipment was set up to monitor factors of skin tone, and
and various elements of the slapping itself. The slapping was to
be carried out by black females, since it was thought that the slapping
might cause a black-loss in the hands and arms of those doing the
slapping. There was one woman for every man, and all six women
declined monetary compensation, stating eagerly that the task was its
Arrayed around the slappees were various receptacles
for catching the black.
Says Tishis, “We had no idea how it would come
off. We didn’t know if it would be little flakes, large sheets,
in liquid form, or what. So we set up al sorts of things to catch
it, like buckets, nets, sponges, large plastic sheets; You name it, we
probably had it set up.”
At first, slap force was kept at a minimum.
Over the next few days, both force and frequency of the slapping was
gradually increased, as was the style of slapping itself.
“We did the traditional open-hand slap, backhands,
across the forehead, the back of the head (both direct and glancing),
various combo attacks, and many other ways,” Tishis explains, “Everyone
was encouraged to try new methods.”
Alas, nothing seemed to work. All the
black-catching receptacles remained empty the planned day for
conclusion of the experiment.
“Even after a solid seven days of getting abused by
extremely eager young women, the slappees retained not only their
color, but a great sense of humor. We were lucky to get a group
of youngsters who were so open-minded. In fact, we’re all getting
together for dinner next week. Everyone really hit it off.
No pun intended. It’s truly refreshing to see evidence that
society has not lost interest in genuine scientific research.”
Despite the fact that no black was slapped off,
Tishis was quick to deem the experiment a success: “The idea was
to find out if it could happen, and I believe that we have proven it
cannot. It would seem people of color have no need to worry about
losing their ethnicity though physical force. Actually, we have a
long term follow-up experiment in the works, inspired by remarks made
by the subjects in a few instances. The idea is to determine if
anybody’s grandchildren felt it. The results should be