Iím taking credit for this, even though I didnít write all of it, because Iím mean and do things like that.  Actually the majority of this list was handed to me from a friend who got it from a friend who got it from a friend who got it from a friend who got it from some man he was sleeping with.  But some of the things on this are mine, so if youíre the author and reading this, and youíre pissed, you can drop dead!
            -Rob McKinney

WORDS OF WISDOM
FOR
THE NOT-SO-WISE 
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
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A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
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He who hesitates is probably right.
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Never do card tricks for the crowd you play poker with.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Success always occurs in private, failure in full view.
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The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required upon it.
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The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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To succeed in politics, it is often necessary for one to rise above one's principles.
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Two wrongs are just the beginning.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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The problem with the gene pool is that there aren't any lifeguards.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you haven't tried before.
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Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
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Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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Money can't buy love...but it CAN rent a very close imitation.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Always try to be modest.  And be damn proud of it!
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If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of  payments.
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How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise my hands...
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Attempt to get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a good trade.
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Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize!
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Everybody repeat after me..."We're all individuals!"
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Death to all fanatics.
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Guests who kill talk show hosts -- on the last Geraldo.
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Chastity is curable, if detected early.
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Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
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Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.
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Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
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Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.  32% of all people know that.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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Don't look back -- something may be gaining on you.
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In the United States, we put the con back in Congress
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If ya can't beat 'em, arrange to have 'em beaten.
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Your birth certificate is your death sentnence.
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100% of all divorces, child custody disputes, and spousal abuse cases are caused by marriage.
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If love is blind, and marriage is an institution, is marriage an institution for the blind?
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If you study political science to become a better politician, than why do you study criminal science?
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How do they format each video to fit your screen?
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Iím dying for a cigarette.