As you, my classmates, have initiated an argument about exactly what the opposite sex (that being me) does wrong when it comes to intimacy, I have prepared the following as a list of small items to which your immediate attention and cooperation would be appreciated.

Now before I begin, I would like to point out that I know that not all women fail in all these departments.  However, you have asked me for my opinion as the only male in this class, and I feel entitled to give it as openly and honestly as I can.  You may use my soiled undergarments to dry your tears if you find this offensive, lewd, dirty, vulgar, crass, disgusting, sexist, or any other negative adjective that makes me look like a pig.

Remember, you asked for it.

PS - This was inspired by a top five list I saw somewhere.  I have, however, taken liberties and improved it a hundredfold.

A Few Points for Women to Ponder
What You Do Wrong,
Which Makes Men Not Call You

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick, don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow.  Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms.  The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times.  The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.  This means that although it is appreciated, your hand or mouth manipulating the base of his member is a waste of time, time which would be better spent by you gagging on his corona.

2. SUCKING IT: When sucking a guy's dick, don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.  The penis is to a woman what a fine steak is to a man; a masterpiece of flesh.  Enjoy every crevice and bump, as you are fortunate to have such a grand meal to feast upon.  Remember, a starving child in China would be happy to have it.

3. SILENCE: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it.  Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak complete sentences.

5. BLINDNESS: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes.  He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him.  Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.  Having his man-milk dripping off of your eyelashes will show him you care.

6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all-important.  Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style.  Roll over and present.  You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you.  You should leave the bed and leave him in peace.  If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number.  His work is done when his wad is blown.

8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway.  You know you love it.  If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.  Remember that making your man happy is why God gave you holes in the first place, so don't be shy about offering all of them up for his pleasure.

9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any scrotum drippage if you have been a bad little girl and not swallowed everything.

10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying "Are you going to come soon?"  If you were giving a blow job, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question; this is bad.  If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps.  If he's screwing your brains out and it takes more than 10 minutes, you should be grateful.  This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually gifted human beings.

11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had.  Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. On the off chance that you are the best lover, he will still not tell you.  If you think you are the best, you will not work to improve yourself towards a super orgasmic end.  As long as you doubt your ability and his happiness, you will likely continue to satisfy him in new and interesting ways.  Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. LIMP NOODLE: Don't just lie there, do something.  Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit.  I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work.  We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it; but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome.  If he's a real man he's probably sleeping with her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

14. SHAVING: Don't shave all your pubic hair off.  It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date.  At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old.  If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.  If you mimic the sexual goddesses in magazines and pornographic movies, your man will love you more.

15. SPITTING: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture.  You should play with semen like a block of Bubble Yum, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side.  A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

16. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if: a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or: b) you managed to achieve an orgasm.  A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's, so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests.  As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?"  There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.  Only whores ask for favors after sex.

18. COMMITMENT: You should only have sex with your man, or another woman if your man is present.  However, men have needs, and those needs cannot be filled solely by you.  Remember that you are but one woman.  Getting upset with a man for fucking another woman would be like him getting mad at you for going to the dentist.

19. PROTECTION: Men have enough on their minds to be expected to remember birth control.  Unless you especially want to become pregnant, you should take the pill, along with any other contraceptive methods, which will not interfere with the enjoyment of sex for your partner.

20. YOUR PLACE: Many a sexual encounter has been loused up by women who think that they are "equal" to their partner, or that they are "owed" something during sex.  Not true.  Your body exists so that the man may be pleased by it.  Remember this and check yo'self, bitch.