Miscellaneous Top Tens
TOP TEN WORST THINGS...
YOUR SURGEON CAN SAY DURING THE OPERATION
9. Ewww, blood!
8. Let's get ready to rumbuuulll!
7. We've got five minutes til ER comes on -- go!
6. So I said, malpractice suit, schmalpractice suit.
5. A wise guy, eh? Coitenly! N'yuk n'yuk, woo
4. Do you ever wonder whether or not life's really worth
3. Anaesthetic my ass!
2. I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
#1. Divorce me for a patient, will she?
Well, I won't let
that happen again!
TOP TEN WORST THINGS...
A GIRL CAN SAY TO YOU ON A FIRST DATE
My nightmare dates (a good 98% of all my dates) have
been bad because of her. And if it wasn't something that
she did directly to repulse me (like that little pepper
spray incident last month), then it was what she said. Or
sometimes just how she said it.
10. Hey, you're not blind!
9. Really Baby, that's a cold sore.
8. Don't worry, it's what's on the inside that counts.
7. The term "yeast infection"
6. ...and if you did become a Jehovah's Witness...
5. Sieg heil!
4. ...and that's when I became permanently chaste.
3. But you wear size twelve shoes!
2. That was the best orgasm I ever faked.
#1. Let go of my ears -- if I've done this
once, I've done
it a thousand times.
TOP TEN WORST THINGS...
TO SAY WHILE BEING INTERVIEWED BY A DATE'S FATHER
About half of these I've learned from experience. The
other half are just common sense things that are quite
likely to get you violently murdered two hours before your
10. I drive like my grandparents screw - slowly and
carefully so as not to break any bones.
9. I'm Rob McKinney's best friend.
8. There once was a man from Nantuckett...
7. So then after the Marilyn Manson concert we'll go...
6. She's still trying on shoes up there? Well, she'd
better enjoy having them while she can.
5. My religion forbids premarital sex -- but then again,
also forbids the eight different medications I'm on.
4. Who needs contraceptives? There's a full moon tonight.
3. This is my lucky jersey. I always score in it.
2. Could she do the driving? I just had my back seat
#1. Oh, God, no need to worry about that!
Your daughter is
the last person I'd ever want to sleep with.
NEW WOMENS' OLYMPIC EVENTS
No, I'm not sexist. But I hate the fact that women's
lib only works when It's convenient for the woman/women in
question. So, I'm gonna play off of some old stereotypes
here and peg females of the opposite sex with unfair
cliches. It brings me pleasure.
10. Sweater knitting
9. Sandwich Building Height Competition
8. Competetive Cooking
7. Full Contact Child Rearing
6. Greko-Roman Baking
5. Marathon Grocery Shopping
4. Downhill Ironing
3. Heavyweight Dishwashing
2. Long Distance Beer Fetching
#1. Speed Male Obeying
MOST OFFENSIVE MINORITY NAMED FOOTBALL TEAMS OF ALL TIME
In my psychology class, we were debating
that certain ethnic groups found offensive. Here are a few
of the fictional teams that are a wee bit uncouth. I play
for number four.
10. The Thieving Jews
9. The Border Crossin' Wetbacks
8. The Terror Bombers (Iraqi U)
7. The Lettuce Pickers
6. The Raging Midgits
5. Galloping Gooks
4. The Red-Faced, Big Nosed, Overweight, Horny, Violent,
Drunken, Short-Dicked Irish
3. The Fighting Frogs
2. The Suspicious Russians
#1. The Rampaging, Scalping, Raping, Pillaging,
Thirsty, Savage, Dirty Injuns
WAYS TO TELL YOUíRE NOT WANTED AT THE PARTY
10. No oneís talking to you, but everyone is talking about
9. Youíre met at the door by two armed Pinkerton guards.
8. The invitation had a fake address on it.
7. No one will help you across the moat.
6. Somebody at any point takes a pot shot at you.
5. The valet parks your car in another county.
4. You donít even hear about it until itís on the news the
3. The invitation was wrapped around a dead fish.
2. Itís a get-together of all your exís.
#1. Itís being thrown by the Christian Coalition,
and your name is Rob McKinney, Paul
Serena, Nick Spacek, or Satan.
WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE ISNíT SO BRIGHT
10. The mallís open, but nobodyís shopping.
9. Couldnít pee in a lake if they were standing on the bottom.
8. Sharp as a bowling ball (dust bunny, sack of wet mice,
7. An IQ way up there in the thousandths.
6. Feels self-conscious around mayonnaise.
5. Bright as a cave.
4. The penís full of ink, but the ball isnít rolling.
3. Couldnít figure his way out of a paper bag.
2. Bright as a match under water.
#1. Gets stumped by string.
GAY BOOKS BANNED IN PUBLIC SCHOOL LIBRARIES
10. Iím Okay, Youíre A Queer
9. Seven Husbands For Seven Brothers
8. Charlie And The Chocolate Body Paint
7. The True Story Of Jekyll & Hyde
6. Gayís Anatomy
5. Little Spouse On The Fairy
4. Huckleberry Finn (Címon, you know he was)
3. The Fantastic Adventures Of Raging Queer Man and Fruity Boy
2. The Big Friendly (wink-wink) Giant
#1. When Harry Met Harry
WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM
10. You can order a drink in ten languages, but can only say ďHelloĒ
9. You went straight from one bottle to another as a child.
8. You go to church for the free booze.
7. You study for sobriety tests.
6. You donít remember ever waking up without a hangover.
5. You would describe your eye color as ďYellow, with flecks
4. If youíve ever lost control of your car because a tequila
bottle got lodged under the
3. Youíve ever gotten inebriated on the contents of your
2. Charter Hospital and AA are on your speed dial.
#1. Youíd rather stay home and get plastered
than go out and get laid.
WAYS TO BE REALLY FUCKING MEAN
Sometimes people really piss me off. These are all things
Iíve either wanted to do to
these people or heard of being done. And just for the record,
Iíd recommend not being a
big dumb fucking idiot and actually doing any of these. Nick
and I discussed it, and
neither of us is in the mood to take the fall for your stupid actions.
suggestions, theyíre statements.
10. Use a razor blade to slice the soft keys off of calculators.
9. Pour clumping cat litter into someoneís gas tank.
8. Glue every page of book together.
7. Pop the air pockets in peoplesí sneakers.
6. Mash in the screens of calculators.
5. Put Icy Hot inside jock cups.
4. Hide fire safety equipment.
3. Stuff your trunk with Styrofoam packing peanuts, and when
youíre driving down the
highway and some jerkoff is tailgating you, pop your trunk release.
2. Spray some nails with silicon lubricant and fill a brown
paper bag with them. Toss
into a major thoroughfare.
#1. Throw clumping cat litter, cinnamon oil,
or chili powder into someoneís eyes.
VENI, VIDI, VECI - I saw, I conquered. These are a few of
the new twists on Caesarís
immortal, fictitious words.
10. Veni, Vidi, Dizzy - I came, I saw, I conked out
9. Veni, Vedi, DZ - Letís go play at the Discovery Zone!
8. Veni, Vidi, Sushi - Death to Japan! or Clear the way,
I just ate raw fish
7. Veni, Vidi, Versace - One less fashionable queer
6. Veni, Vidi, Vecesois - I donít like French food, take
5. Veni, Vidi, VIKI - I came and built a robot
4. Veni, VA, Vici - I fought for our country, and they stuck
3. Veni, Vidi, Veggie - I came, I saw, I ate a salad
2. Vinnie, Vidi, Vici - The mob sent a guy
#1. Veni, VD, Veci - I came, I caught, I cankered