101 More Reasons
Robb Might Have Fallen
Off the Face of the Planet
1. Fell asleep on a bus and woke up in Panama.
2. Didn’t listen to the Oompa-Loompas, and is currently being “juiced.”
3. 101-listed himself to death.
4. Couldn’t wait for the chicken to finish and jumped into the fryer.
5. Took his ball and went home.
6. Slapped to death by the velvet mafia.
7. Got a job as Peter North’s personal “fluffer.”
8. Went on hunger strike until the Royals won a pennant and starved to death.
9. Packed a rocks glass, some cocktail napkins, and moved to Lynchburg.
10. Seeking revenge on the crooked politician who killed his family.
11. Traveling from town to town, spreading the word of Jesus. And syphilis.
12. He got served.
13. Quit smoking pot and had no reason to go on.
14. Recovering from a near fatal bout of jungle fever.
15. Left the church, but the church came back to get him.
16. Currently answering only to the name “Mistress Dawn.”
17. Was trying to find himself, but his mom walked in on him.
18. Succumbed to his Attention Defici
19. Got reinserted into the Matrix.
20. Took a long walk on a short pier.
21. Got lost on his way to a state high-school volleyball championship.
22. Last seen sitting on the lap of a large black man at a bar called “The Tool Box.”
23. This friend of my cousin’s knew this guy who said Robb was drinking with this girl at a bar, and she drugged him, and he woke up the next day in a bathtub full of ice with a note that said “call 911 NOW” and the hospital told him someone had removed a kidney. Swear to God.
24. Simon Wiesenthal had had enough of his Jew bashing and took Robb with him.
25. Ate Pop-Rocks while drinking Coke. Poor bastard.
26. Just sits there watching cartoons, day in and day out.
27. Ran off with Natally Holloway.
28. Arrested for stalking Billy Baldwin.
29. Flew away with Josephine on his flying machine.
30. Had a heart attack while running after a bacon truck.
31. Saw bright lights while driving down a lonely country road; now spends all his time building stuff with his mashed potatoes.
32. Finally became one big herpes wart.
33. Seriously injured in last battle with Magneto.
34. Got pulled back to the future to report on the Army of the Twelve Monkeys.
35. He was assimilated into the Borg.
36. Hiding in the mountains on the Afghan/Pakistan border.
37. Detained indefinitely at the Mexican border with a colon full of blow.
38. What, you didn’t see that episode of COPS?
39. A Black Mage killed him with his plus two mace.
40. Spending all his time at nunfuck.com.
41. Abandoned old friends and now it’s “Frog and Toad and Robb are Friends.”
42. Known the world over as the best puppy juggler around.
43. Stepped on a butterfly while hunting dinosaurs; then there was the sound of thunder.
44. Got mo’ money, and soon thereafter, mo’ problems.
45. Got a starring role in the popular adult video series “Rotund Irish Creampie Lickers.”
46. Became a radio star and was killed by video.
47. Brain melted after taking acid and watching the entire first season of Twin Peaks.
48. Working at Kinder Kare by day and writing ransom notes by night.
49. Seeking revenge on Bill and the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad.
50. Not been feeling well since beginning his all chicken skin diet.
51. Went supernova.
52. Devoured by the brownie monsters.
53. Punching donkeys.
54. Hiding in Anne Serena’s closet dressed like a clown.
55. Sitting in a cave somewhere prophesizing.
56. Always one step ahead of you.
57. Became the Joker’s number one guy.
58. Usually hanging out at red carpet events, screaming “Who are you wearing?”
59. Bouncing from one foot to another in front of Best Buy waiting for season two of “Golden Girls” to come out.
60. Girlfriend got tired of the smoking, booze, lies, drugs, verbal and physical abuse and mistresses and told her babysitter.
61. Found the mythical one-hundred and second way to be annoying and popped.
62. Refusing to come out of his room until Sublime and Nirvana release some new
material.
63. Said hello to Tony Montana’s little friend.
64. His soul was swallowed.
65. Lithuania liked him so much it decided to keep him.
66. Sent to an alternate universe by Skeletor.
67. Eruditio ut vinco Latin lingua. (Utor ut.)
68. What, have you not been looking in Beecher City, Illinois?
69. In line at the DMV since 2002.
70. The Giving Tree got sick of being a doormat and gave him a serious ass kicking.
71. Attacked and killed by a sasquatch or “wood-ape.”
72. Died doing what he loved; heroin and little boys.
73. Just hasn’t been the same since they cancelled “The Nanny.”
74. Still waiting for Guffman.
75. Suffering from a
crippling case of Arachibutyrophobia.
76.
Killed by Colonel Mustard, in the lounge,
with the pipe.
78.
Landed that unpaid internship at Hardee’s.
79.
Fighting for his right to party.
80.
Busy running his beach-themed store “Dolphins
on Porpoise.”
81.
Slept with all the Nuthouse ex-girlfriends
and actually contracted a bad case of cunt.
82.
Killing people softly with his song.
83.
Discovering what it’s like to be a
grandmother; subjugated yet honored.
84.
Still coming to terms with his tiny penis.
85.
Usually playing Madden 2005 and feeling
sorry for himself.
86.
Making a last-ditch effort to bring back the
eight track.
87.
Proving everyone wrong.
88.
Dodging paparazzi.
89.
Endeavoring to inject more prolixly
locutions into his asseverations.
90.
Refused to obey his thirst; promptly killed
for his insolence.
91.
Currently a successful Advent calendar
manufacturer in Hamburg.
92.
Got fired.
Out of a cannon. Into the sun.
93.
Twenty miles out of town, cold irons bound.
94.
Clawing his way back to the top.
95.
Busy selling Amway.
96.
Found God; He was hiding behind a newspaper
stand.
97.
Riding that train, high on cocaine.
98.
Answered the call to Jihad.
99.
Another victim of “The Game.”
100.
Trying and trying and trying to get that
square peg through that round hole.
101.
He’s a dick.