101 Indications That You
May Be A Member Of The Nuthouse
- You have been known to sit at Applebee’s for three-plus hours without
ordering any food.To your complete and utter bafflement, you are single.
- Public-schmublic; you just don’t feel like wearing any pants.
- You can spell the word “schmublic” without hesitation.
- The nicknames you’ve given your friends include things like “Troll,”
“Ogre,” “Fairy,” and “Craig.”
- In the span of one minute, you have consumed a full pound and a half
of maple syrup. Idiot.
- You sing along with the Applebee’s Birthday songs, sometimes more enthusiastically
than the employees.
- Impressed by your apparently infinite capacity for cleverness, you
write down “witty” things you say and post them on a website.
- You adopt British accents in malls.
- You purchase sets of Lazer Tag guns from Kay*Bee Toy Store for the
sole purpose of hunting your friends in the mall.
- You go to malls on the day after Thanmksgiving-not to shop, just to
waste a parking space.
- You have lost the ability to speak without an undertone of sarcasm.
- Your barenaked ass can frequently be observed hanging out of a car
window at 70 mph.
- Attending a “Weird Al” Yankovic concert is considered a highlight of
- You sing along with every song at “Weird Al” Yankovic concerts
- The attendants at your local gas station have your brand of cigarettes
ready for you before you enter the store, and inquire as to your absence
when your frinds come in without you.
- A least once in any given evening with your friends, the topic of sodomy
- Driving 76 miles round-trip for a glass of hot chocolate is considered
routine, and perfectly reasonable.
- You are used to strangers asking, “What are you guys writing in that
- You habitually dodge the question because you know for a fact that
whoever is asking just isn’t gonna get it.
- Waitresses at Applebee’s become upset when you fail to sit in their
- You purposely rent the worst movies you can find at Blockbuster, in
lieu of films that you really want to see.
- After moving across the country, you return to your home state for
a week but fail to inform your friends that you are in town. Oh, wait…That
doesn’t mean you’re a Nuthouse member. *ahem*
- The air of superiority with which you carry yourself has been known
to asphyxiate small animals.
- Despite the obviously contradictory nature of the attitude, you have
mastered being cocky and self-deprecating simultaneously, because you know
that while you may be a loser of epic proportions, you are still far above
- [insert name of group, organization, subculture, clique, individual, etc.].
- You know the lobby closing procedures at Applebee’s as well as, if
not better than, many of the employees.
- You routinely abuse your friends’ lack of inhibitions.
- You eagerly anticipate moving into your own place so that you may fulfill
your ambition of building a 6’2” papier-mâché penguin.
- You are perfectly willing to allow your girlfriend to engage in sexual
intercourse with Dicky Barrett, so that you can vicariously have sex with
Dicky Barrett. But not in a gay way.
- You know who Dicky Barrett is, and understand why #29 is perfectly
- You willingly adopt self-destructive vices in hopes that you may one
day have Dicky Barrett’s voice.
- You have developed a glossary of terms used exclusively by yourself
and your friends.
- Some of your fondest high school memories involve making teachers cry.
- Your collection of DVD’s is more important to you than parts of your
- Tom Jones is a musical genius, Goddammit!
- The dollar value of your DVD collection is greater than the collective
value of all your other possessions combined, and this is somehow still insufficient.
- You have been “academically dismissed” from the University of Kansas.
- You spend hours standing in the cold outside Kentucky Fried Chicken
to hold a candlelight vigil in memory of Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy’s.
- You make crappy “HONK” signs at the vigil and yell at passing cars
to “HONK FOR DAVE!”
- This earns you a spot on the local 10 o’clock news.
- You have yelled “Mach schnell, Juden!” at the top of your lungs in
Hobby Lobby, forcing an eplanation from your friends that “Juden” is the
German wor for “Jew,” and not “Youth.”
- Due to your, er, “recreational activities,” your friends are afraid
to inhale deeply near your couch cushions.
- While in a state of inebriation, you have yelled racial slurs in the
middle of a corridor of an apartment complex populated largely by minorities.
- For someone so seemingly intelligent, you have made colossally idiotic
decisions in your choice of girlfriends.
- At least three of your friends work in bakeries.
- Your friends have threatened you with possibly terminal bodliy harm
if you fail to do something profitable with your writing talent.
- Your friend has attempted to sell you on the benefits of removing one
of your own eyes. It really does almost seem like a good idea.
- You take it as a compliment when people tell you you’d make a
great used car salesman.
- You truly believe that steel-toed boots and 4-wheel drive somehow make
you more of a man.
- You do not think that having two televisions in your living room is
in any way excessive or unreasonable.
- You are disappointed because you have not yet visited the World’s Largest
Ball of Twine, in Cawker City, Kansas.
- You pride yourself on your ability to “write real girly on cakes”.
- When speaking, your own grammatical errors really, really bother you.
- Nobody is entirely sure what you look like without a hat.
- You have engaged in a 2 hour impromptu gay break-up fight in Applebee’s.
- People routinely liken you unto a serpent.
- You have written papers for English courses which are far superior
to anything the professor could ever dream of writing.
- Serious prolonged discussions about professional wrestling are not
- Serious prolonged discussions about philosophy, religion, politics,
film, art, and music frequently occur in the same night as serious prolonged
discussions about professional wreslting.
- Contrary to what the overwhelming majority of the human population
will tell you, there really is humor in the Holocaust.
- Two words: Hitler Monkeys.
- You imagine Star Wars characters in place of the regular actors in
- You have written a 100-plus page story about Arnold Schwarzenegger
killing people for no logical reason whatsoever.
- Things you have written have been banned from classrooms.
- Due to the sheer number of band stickers on your vehicle, the rear
window has been rendered essentially useless.
- You have written to the WWE, requesting a superstar be sent to your
college graduation ceremony.
- You have created a collective name for your group of friends.
- You have excessive knowledge about movie score composers.
- Hur hur hur.
- You have been summoned to the school counselor’s office because of
womething you wrote.
- You know the difference between “immature” and “crude.”
- Your idea of workplace entertainment is relentlessly berating little
- The size of your nose is comedy gold.
- You understand the rules about touching another man’s car stereo.
- You realize that you and your friends are subconsciously beginning
to dress alike.
- You spend so much time hanging out with one of your friends that you
realize you have begun giving off a “gay-vibe,” despite your definite heterosexuality.
- You check more than one movie news website every day.
- You hate Tom Cruise, that cocky bastard.
- But you love Vin Diesel. (“Oh, Vin, I love you Vin…”)
- You are used to people asking you how you can eat so much and still
look like that.
- You’ve been told you have “Lego Hair,” and agree.
- You’re really not racist. Really.
- You are convinced Reel Big Fish are writing songs based on specific
incidents in your life.
- Your friends constantly make fun of your girlfriend, and you are strangely
cool with that.
- Your girlfriend has, or has attempted to cheat on you with at least
one of your friends.
- Contrary to logic, not insulting somebody is an indication of dislike.
- You own more than one shirt depicting superheroes or cartoon characters.
- You hope every movie you see is in “Theater three!”
- As if on some telepathic cue, you and your friends simultaneously begin
swaying to the music in restaurants.
- You are not afraid to make a complete ass of yourself in public, just
to get “looks.”
- You understand that the vast majority of the human population is simply
unable to comprehend your subtle humor.
- Every time you see your friend, his hair and/or facial hair are totally
different from the last time you saw him, yet he still looks like a twit.
- You are depressed because Sears fixed their sign.
- Nothing is funnier to your friends than your claim, “I could be sexy.”
- Your smartass attitude and general derision have offended “major celebrities”
such as Keanu Reeves. Whoa.
- You develop really great pick-up lines, which go unused because you
don’t have any balls.
- You’ve given Blockbuster employees a good laugh by renting The Pokemon
- You are mocked for being a “Birdie Scout.”
- Your friend informs you that he enters your house in the night while
you are asleep to give you kisses, because he is your “Magic Love Angel.”
- You have found yourself on the floor of your kitchen, stone sober,
with your roommate, terribly uncomfortable but unwilling to move for several
hours, and have been forced to create a MacGuyver-style grappling hook out
of utensils in order to retrieve the telephone so you can call your girlfriend
at 6:30 am and guilt her into coming over before school to retrieve your
cigarettes from the living room.
- You write “101” lists.