101 Ways To Be Annoying VI
the Final Nightmare
1.  When the host/hostess of a restaurant ask if you have a smoking
preference, tell them it’s Marlboro.
2.  Pick random names out of the phonebook.  For a year, send cards on
holidays to that address.  Occasionally send congrats, sympathy, or birthday
cards.  Never use a return address, and sign them “From all of us with
3.  During a meal, fix your gaze on someone else’s fork.  Never take your
eyes off of it while they use it.
4.  Loudly act out scenes from Kevin Smith movies in shopping malls.
5.  If heterosexual, act gay.
6.  If homosexual, act straight.
7.  If white, act black.
8.  If Gentile, act Jewish.
9.  Stereotype.
10.  Try to move in slow motion.
12.  Tell people who hate you that you’re their “guardian angel.”
13.  Sharpen borrowed pencils into non existence.
14.  Point out the humor in dead babies, suicide, and train wrecks.
15.  Make up and recite “old Jewish proverbs.”
16.  Quote Confucius.  Be sure to begin every sentence with “Confucius
17.  Give ten year olds copies of Our Bodies, Ourselves, and Learning to
18.  Refer to gay people as the “Mishango People.”
19.  Tell people that you don’t think women with big breasts will ever catch
20.  When a smoker asks you for a light, hand them a penlight.
21.  When you make a spontaneous rhyme, inform people that you are “a
poet and wasn’t aware of it.”
22.  While driving, continually ask your passengers if they “saw that.”
23.  Write complaint letters to companies in the form of threatening haikus.
24.  Suck your thumb.
25.  Suck other people’s thumbs.
26.  Dedicate your life to proving the existence of bigfoot, the Loch Ness
Monster, or intelligent life in Arkansas.
27.  Carry an attaché case with you everywhere with nothing in it but
balloons and animal crackers.
28.  Try to convince people that Karl Marx was the Marx Brother who got
into politics.
29.  Use apostrophe’s that aren’t necessary.
30.  Use commas, incorrectly, too.
31.  sentences Write order. out of your
32.  Boast about being such menial things as “Beet Farmer of the Month”
or “Women’s Number one Reason For Hating Men.”
33.  Wear ties that look like fish.
34.  Wear fish that look like ties.
35.  Have an hours long conversation about absolutely nothing but
36.  Never admit your age.
37.  Give yourself 30’s style mobster nicknames like Benny “Da Lug” or
Billy “Tire Iron” Malloy.
38.  When your significant other asks you a favor, salute and bark “Awhol,
mein furher.”
39.  If over twelve, get in line for Santa at malls.
40.  Continually ingest Coke and Pop Rocks in an attempt to commit suicide
“like Mikey.”
41.  Take people out to celebration dinners every time you receive an
envelope proclaiming that YOU are the next multi-million dollar winner.
42.  Quote lines from Monty Python & the Holy Grail at inappropriate
43.  Write scripts in purple ink on notebook paper and send them in to TV
44.  Pretend your flashlight is a light saber.
45.  Know a little “too” much about Star Wars.
46.  If single and childless, wear shirts proclaiming you “world’s greatest
47.  Give your girlfriend a gift basket including Certs, perfume, soap, an
Airwick, and to be a real jerk, deodorant.
48.  When a girl checks herself out in a hand mirror, lean over her shoulder
and straighten your hair in it.
49.  Spoke and wrote only in the third person and in past tense.
50.  When a waiter asks what you want, insist that they “surprise” you.
Whatever they bring out, say you’re allergic, and demand a glass of water
and a grilled cheese sandwich.
51.  Walk without swinging your arms.
52.  Ask a smoker if you can bum a cigarette.  When they hand you one,
throw it away and scream “what, are you trying to kill me?!!!”
53.  Try to start sing-alongs on bus trips.
54.  At inappropriate times, say “For the next sixty second, this station, in
accordance with FCC regulations, will be conducting a test of the
Emergency Broadcast System.  This is only a test.  Beeeeeeeeeeeeeee...”
55.  When the real tests come up on TV’s or radios, scream about the
“prophets of doom.”
56.  Photo copy articles about plane crashes and hand them out to
passengers on plane trips.
57.  Ditto, but with train trips.
58.  When a car dealer mentions air bags, inform them “that’s the last
option” you want on your car.
59.  Hang out outside public mall restrooms.
60.  Hang out inside public mall restrooms.
61.  Create a sign and put it on your car that says “For Sale by
Dis-interested Third Party.”
62.  Act surprised about finding free porno ads on your e-mail.
63.  Act disappointed and shocked when you find out they’re not really
64.  Spent hours on end trying to access the same “free” porno with false
credit card numbers.
65.  Exclaim everything!!!
66.  Eat food inside the grocery store.
67.  Thpeak with a lithp.
68.  Have fun with your prosthetic limbs.
69.  Have fun with other people’s prosthetic limbs.
70.  Ask strangers to take your picture.  Give them a camera with no
batteries or film.  Spend ten minutes with them trying to fix it.
71.  Pull out one lightbulb on the strands of lights on X-mas trees at
friends’ parties.
72.  Hold your ear to our bowl of Rice Krispies.  When someone speaks,
shush them loudly, and go back to listening.
73.  Glue paper plates together.
74.  Fill your glass up at 7-11, drink half of it, fill it back up again.  Repeat
until physically removed from the store.
75.  Call 911 and scream “OH MY GOD...op, no, never mind.”  Hang up.
76.  If you bump into your girlfriend’s parents at the store, buy condoms,
KY jelly, porn, and a pregnancy test.
77.  Knock on wood after saying something you hope won’t come true.
78.  Experiment with suave ways to light your Zippo in restaurants or on
79.  Mail the Post Master a letter, asking him to write you back and tell
you exactly who delivered it to him.
80.  Better yet, send it to him via UPS.
81.  Still better, make it a telegram.
82.  Apply for citizenship if already a citizen.
83.  Drop cinder blocks on cars from overpasses.
84.  Imply that something extremely dangerous and potentially lethal is
merely mildly annoying.
85.  Tell people you hated the following movies; The Princess Bride, Top Gun,
Casablanca, The Sound of Music, E.T., and Schindler’s List.
86.  Tell people that you loved Debbie Does Dallas, Deep Throat, and Big
Throbbing Black Cocks in White Bimbo Lezzies.
87.  Imply that women are inferior.
88.  Flat out say it.
89.  Act on it.
90.  Go to the animal shelter and say you want a cat.  When you find one
you want, ask how many grams of fat it has.
91.  Go to confession and tell the priest “I’ll tell you mine if you tell me
92.  Press your face to the TV screen, trying to read the fine print of car
93.  Put “God Is My Pilot” bumper stickers on cars that were in serious
94.  Sneeze into your hands just before shaking someone else’s.
95.  Order a Happy Meal, and complain to the manager when you “only
feel a bit motivated, but not really what you’d call ‘happy.’”
96.  Every time you come home, shout “Lucy, I’m ho-o-me!”
97.  When telling bedtime stories to children, twist the endings so that the
witches and big bad wolves win.
98.  Go to a Kinder Care and ask to enroll your child.  Act as if he/she is
with you.  The second someone questions you, look around, shout “Oh my
God!  It’s happening again!”  and rush out of the facility.
99.  Tell people you have “transfecalrectaphobia,” the unnatural fear of
100.  Taaaaallkk reeeeeeeeaalll sssssslllllllooooooooooowwww.
101.  Embrace random vending machines.

Well, that’s it.  I swear.  No more 101/annoying lists from me, at
any rate.  I’m out, sucked dryer than a one-balled man at a
Times Square prostitute convention.  So long, fare well, be well.
It’s been fun.  For me, at any rate.  So go forth and be
annoying, as I am annoying, and as my forefathers were before
me.  May the Force be with you.  Peace, love, and happy
  Rob “Just Doesn’t Know When Enough’s Enough”

PS - Does anyone else get the impression that when I die, I’m
going to get to heaven, and God’s going to be there with a
hundred and one list of His own...