101 Ways To Be Annoying V

You’re right, I did say that the last one would be just that. Ah, well, fuck you.

1. Ask people if they’ve seen what the inside of a baby looks like.

2. Where applicable, use puns.

3. Inform people that “your winky is hard.”

4. Use grammar bad.

5. Fold tips for waiters into intricate origami animals. They want the money, but they’ll hate to destroy it.

6. Write profanity, cryptic rhymes, and anti-government messages on dollar bills. (The last one is slightly illegal, so distribute them via change machines and pop machines.)

7. Write the fifth installment of 101 Ways to be Annoying. Goddamn I’m annoying!

8. When little kids climb their seats in the booth next to you to watch you eat, turn around and watch them eat.

9. Make dead baby jokes.

10. Use such slang terms as “jive,” “boogie,” or “funky.”

11. Put a solid bold line across the bottom of your envelopes in permanent marker. (It messes up the mail machines)

12. Never use the right street designation (Rd., St., Ave., Ct., etc.)

13. Refer to people who hate you as your “beeeeeest friends...”

14. Misspel theengs allott.

15. Even ez to leter wurds.

16. Wash your car with Q-tips and teensy squirts of Armorall.

17. When you go to the doctor, carry a fake blood packet in your mouth. When he says turn your head and cough, give him a surprise.

18. Leave cryptic messages on tips for waiters and waitresses about Armageddon.

19. Enforce your beliefs in the use of public executions as a form of punishment.

20. (If female) Tell guys that A) “You’re the best friend type,” B) “I  don’t want to ruin our friendship by dating,” or C) “We’re such good friends, I could never think of you that way.”

21. Tell people that you have a secret. Imply that it’s very important to them, and refuse to tell them what it is.

22. Pick your nose.

23. Give picking other people’s noses a shot.

24. If white, rap.

25. If black, sing country.

26. Put a cigarette in your mouth and never light it. Best if done in the smoking section.

27. Take a first date to Pirscilla’s or Christie’s Toybox.

28. Show a little more than casual interest in the obituaries in the daily paper.

29. Experiment with the uses of laser pointers in public places.

30. Get “Pepperoni and Sausage” carved on your tombstone when you die.

31. Go into Radio Shack and ask what size batteries it would take to run your time machine.

32. Call in to radio stations to request the song that’s currently playing. When informed that indeed the song is on the air, act surprised. Repeat during the next song.

33. Don’t except that Elvis is dead.

34. Don’t except that the Grateful Dead were over before they started.

35. Shop for the perfect dozen eggs by going through all of them in the store.

36. Convince yourself that Bob Dylan can sing.

37. Give copies of Uncle Shelby’s A B Z’s to children for birthdays.

38. Give kids copies of anything on this website.

39. Cancel dates because you’ve “Only seen this episode of the Simpsons twice...”

40. Refer to your genitals as “tools of the devil” or as your “shame.”

41. Call random numbers and ask if they have caller ID. If they say yes, gasp and hang up.

42. Call your friend’s house, and ask if they are there. When they get on, make sure it’s them, and say “I’m sorry, I’ve got the wrong number,” and hang up.

43. Build things out of your creamer cups when you get coffee in a restaurant.

44. Mock death.

45. Tempt fate.

46. Push the envelope.

47. Count your chickens before they’re hatched.

48. Burn your bridges behind you.

49. If you live in a glass house, throw stones.

50. Save money for a sunny day.

51. Write erotic poems and submit them to Highlights magazine.

52. Write children’s nursery rhymes and submit them to Playboy.

53. Write “condoms” in the memo field of a check.”

54. Write “hooker” in the memo field of the next check.

55. Write “bail” in the memo field of the next.

56. Adjust your car speakers to all left, rear speaker, with no bass or treble. Insist that that’s how you like it.

57. Act dumbfounded when you hear that the X-Files aren’t real.

58. Act dumbfounded when you hear that wrestling isn’t real.

59. Act dumbfounded when you hear that the tooth fairy isn’t real.

60. Act genuinely panicked abut getting your wisdom teeth pulled, informing the dentist you “don’t wanna be non-smart.”

61. Act scared of needles.

62. Act turned on by needles.

63. When you pee in a cup for a urologist, drop in some fish gravel or sidewalk salt.

64. Get a UPS or postal employee shirt, shoot them full of holes, cover them in stage blood, and don them when you see a delivery man come to the door. Twitch when you answer the door.

65. Fill a spray bottle with water and spray your neighbors’ vehicle locks, mailboxes, and door locks with water, at night, during the coldest part of winter.

66. When you order a pizza, pull the delivery boy into the house. Demand  that he eat a piece first. Tell him it’s “just in case.”

67. Put bumper stickers on the sides of Porches.

68. If a pot, call the kettle black.

69. Tell smokers that cigarettes will kill them.

70. (smokers) Act surprised and baffled when non-smokers tell you 69.  Immediately put out your cigarette and grumble something about how the government should regulate these things...

71. Do 70, but with the added benefit of pulling out a cigar and lighting it.

72. Ask a color blind friend over to critique your paintings.

73. Tell blind people that their socks don’t match.

74. Wear mismatched socks.

75. Pretend to be deaf.

76. Go into a restaurant and say that you are expecting six people. When you get your large table, spread out and relax.

77. Call a restaurant to complain about the service from a cell phone while in the restaurant or from the pay phone in the back.

78. Shout the ending to a movie from the front of the theater before it  starts. (I suggest quickly running through the nearby side exit after this.)

79. Try to buy things with Monopoly money.

80. Try to mail letters with foreign stamps.

81. In your will, leave half of your money to Greenpeace, and half to DuPont.

82. Play along with Wheel of Fortune and the Price is Right to the extent of using a calculator and pencil and paper.

83. Ask people for a light. When they give it to you, light it, and stare at the flame for a few minutes. Shake your head and give it back.

84. Count on your fingers.

85. Count on other people’s fingers.

86. Act mesmerized by hamsters running in wheels.

87. Watch a mini TV in church.

88. Be obvious about checking out members of the opposite sex in church.

89. Worship Satan in church.

90. Speak Latin. Constantly.

91. Point out to Canadians that they didn’t invent Lacrosse, the Native Americans did.

92. Point out to Americans that our beer is roughly equivalent to frog urine watered down with daisy petal juice and farmer spit.

93. Chase down the ice cream man. Ask him for change for a hundred dollar bill.

94. Tell people you drive a foreign car. When they ask what it is, tell them it’s a “Fjord.” When they tell you it’s a Ford, act blown away.

95. Bring a box of cockroaches into a restaurant. Release.

96. Bring a box of fleas into a pet shop. Release.

97. Act paranoid that somewhere, somehow, Little Orphan Annie is watching.

98. Like, mock the Canadians’ overuse of the word “eh,” y’know?

99. If male, ask people if your butt’s too big, if you “look fat in this,” or if they think you can get away with the next smaller size. Actually, this is just as annoying if you’re a female.

100. When making 101 lists, make the last one the best, the best joke to ever go on a list, the number to end all numbers, and then forget to put it on the list.