2. Give yourself haircuts.
3. Give other people haircuts. When they’re asleep.
4. Write tons of useless and slightly psychotic stories and essays, constantly, until they consume you, and your entire life is nothing but a never ending hell of twine, balls, and Mr Hensons... (All of us here at Happydale Sanitarium...)
5. Refrain from laughing out loud.
6. Insist that the music of Bob Dylan speaks to you. No, to you, personally.
7. Memorize and sing dozens of such catchy jingles as “I want my baby back” and the DQ reunion song.
8. Use cliches like nobody’s business.
9. When someone asks what you do for fun or what your hobbies are, bury your face in your hands and giggle.
10. If over thirteen, watch Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood and Barney.
11. If under thirteen, watch Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood and Barney.
12. When signing a check, be obvious about attempting to forge the signature on your driver’s license.
13. Say “bleep” rather than swearing. (Tony)
14. Groove to any available beat. (White geeks everywhere)
15. Act like you get a buzz when you take Tylenol.
16. Insist that homosexuals are “Okay, as long as they stay in San Francisco, where they belong.”
17. Send letters to people asking them to boycott the USPS.
18. Steal garage sale signs and offer them back to the owners “for a price.”
19. When a telemarketer calls and asks if you are the man/woman of the house, tell them it depends on how liberal they are.
20. Speak off key.
21. Put the emPHAsis on the wrong syLLABles. (Craig)
22. Ask strangers for their middle names. If they give them to you, giggle and write them in a notebook. If they don’t, grumble, and note that.
23. Play with a cigarette lighter on crowded buses.
24. Insist that you’ve met the guy who does the voice for Papa Smurf. Say that he’s a Nazi.
25. Dial random phone numbers. When people answer, ask for someone who speaks sign language.
26. Take pictures of mannequins modeling lingerie.
27. Laugh at sad scenes in movies.
28. Order just a cup of butter flavoring at movie concession stands.
29. Call in bomb threats to explosives factories.
30. Wear a bathrobe around town.
31. “Experiment” with automatic doors in stores (Craig)
32. Call up Loveline, tell them that your girlfriend’s biting certain pieces of your anatomy very hard, and ask if you should tell her to stop. Occasionally say “Ow.” (Me and Paul)
33. Tape test patterns. Give them to friends as gifts.
34. Whimper a lot.
35. Snicker during sex. Best if done in a sinister manner.
36. Feign a heart attack during sex. Preferably timed after your half.
37. Ask people their opinions on this “alleged God.”
38. Rewrite the lyrics to “Sweet Adeline” to depict Neil Diamond’s obsession with heroin and Tim Burton movies.
39. If you’re alone with a date, occasionally sniff yourself and mutter “Good, it’s not me.”
40. Constantly grin like a boob.
41. Sing nursery rhymes with a slight edge to your voice.
42. Tell small children that Santa doesn’t exist.
43. Tell adults that he does.
44. Get “jumpy” around mall security guards.
45. Hit on a member of the opposite sex, and if they like you, give them the number to a local mental hospital. Ask them to call you sometime.
46. 23-18-9-20-5 / 9-14 / 3-15-4-5
47. Ask for menus that are in Albanian. Learn how to ask this question in Albanian.
48. Ask people if they can see you.
49. Pretend that you can’t hear someone on the phone. Hang up, and get mad at them when they call you back.
50. Tell people that they cannot truly appreciate Shakespeare until they have read it in the original Haitian.
51. Talk Ebonics, foo'.
52. Speakest thou the Queen’s English, knave.
53. Combinest the two, or I shall bust a cap in thine ass.
54. Create a language. Speak it.
55. Pretend to be able to read CDs.
56. Introduce yourself as “Fabio Dante, World’s Greatest Lover and Gigolo Exraordinaire.”
57. Whenever applicable, ask for something free.
58. Play with your earlobes.
59. Play with other people’s earlobes.
60. Lap up your beverages.
61. Drink your coffee with a spoon. (Seth)
62. Ask to be seated in either the “Chain Smoking” or “Trying To Quit” section.
63. Tell people that you once killed a man in Tucson just to get an erection. (An SNL skit)
64. Wear sticky bows as hats on holidays and birthdays.
65. Experiment with disturbing ways to say the word “nuts.” (Me and Paul)
66. Tie people’s laces to yours. Blame them.
67. Insult people’s choice in frozen fish products. (Katherine)
68. Paint yourself in berry juice and clay. Go shopping.
69. Set up a lemonade stand. Flag down cars to buy your lemonade by throwing yourself in front of them.
70. Laugh vulgarly every time you hear the word “blimp.”
71. Inform people that you want a hand grenade and Cheetos.
72. Tell your date that you’re going to get a snack at the movie concession stand. Drive to K-Mart and get Pop-Tarts and Surge.
73. Go shopping at a mall in a tuxedo and sunglasses.
74. Fiddle with people’s ponytails.
75. Use the words “in twain,” “drat,” and “betwixt” as often as possible.
76. Test drive cars just to get whatever free thing you get with it.
77. Act out Shakespearean soliloquies on elevator rides.
78. Advocate the use of capital punishment on women only.
79. Send all letters & packages in plain brown wrappers. Instead of a return address, just write “XXX.”
80. Buy a few cents worth of gas at a time. (Craig)
81. Light fires in restaurant ashtrays with sugar wrappers. (Nick)
82. Impersonate a fire and brimstone preacher when ordering a pizza.
83. Call the local FBI office and ask them who really killed Kennedy. (Armageddon)
84. Be politically correct. (Mr. Church)
85. Make cannibalism jokes.
86. Go to school or work wearing nothing but your underwear, and keep telling people that you’re “just having one of those dreams.”
87. Name your cars. (Frank and Diane)
89. Be a hippie, here, now, in the 1990’s, when most people are busy just trying to survive the present, go ahead and live in the past, and not only that, a shitty past full of drug abuse and gross smelling people. (Katherine)
90. Refer to sex only as “scoring.”
91. Refer to breasts only as “boobies” or “titties.”
92. Refer to babies only as “lunch.”
93. Never finish a sent
94. Slur your speech.
95. Schlluurr yooooouuur whritingk.
96. Get creative with your answering machine messages. (Briana)
97. Crank up the bass on country music or the Wallflowers. (anon. idiot)
98. Buy a new car because your other new car was the wrong damn color. Swear to God, it happened. (Katherine’s grandfather)
99. Build things with your mashed potatoes. (Homer Simpson)
100. Limp. Change the limping leg from time to time.
101. When house-sitting, loosen every light bulb and unplug every appliance the day the owners return, so as to emulate a blackout.