Miscellaneous Quotes

Was this the face that launched a thousand ships,
And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?
     -Christopher Marlowe, “The Tragical History of Dr. Faustus”

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.
     -Humphrey Bogart, “Casablanca”

A book of verses underneath the bough
A jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou.
     -Edward Fitzgerald, “The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam”

'Shibo Yangcong-san' is actually Japanese for 'Cripple Mr Onion'.
     -Terry Pratchett

I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert... Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that their sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed;
And on the pedestal these words appear:
'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away."
     -Percy Byshe Shelley

No-one would have believed, in the final years of the Century of the Fruitbat, that
Discworld affairs were being watched keenly and impatiently by intelligences greater
than Man's, or at least much nastier; that their affairs were being scrutinised and studied
as a man with a three-day appetite might study the All-You-Can-Gobble-For-A-Dollar
menu outside Harga's House of Ribs...
     -Terry Prachett, Moving Pictures

Haste thee, nymph, and bring with thee
Jest and youthful Jollity
Quips and Cranks, and wanton Wiles
Nods, and Becks, and wreathed Smiles
Such as hang on Hebe's neck
 And love to live in dimple sleek
Sport that wrinkled Care derides
And Laughter holding both his sides
Come and trip it as ye go
On the Light Fantastic toe
     -John Milton, “L'Allegro”

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs, in his nightgown.
Rapping at the windows, Crying through the lock,
"Are the children all in bed? For it's now eight o'clock."
     -Mother Goose, “Wee Willie Winkie”

"I'm into homosexual necrophilia," said Tom in dead earnest.
     -a perverted Tom Swiftie

Summertime, and the livin’s easy.
     -Gershwin,  “Porgy and Bess”

She stepped away from me and she moved through the fair
And fondly I watched her move here and move there
And she made her way homeward with one star awake
As the swan in the evening moves over the lake
     -trad. folk song, “She Moved Throught The Fair”

Let us be merry, therefore, whilst we are young men.
After the joys of youth,
After the pain of old age,
The ground will have us, the ground will have us
     -Christian Wilhelm Kindleben, “Gaudeamus Igitur”

Time like an ever-rolling stream
Bears all its sons away
They fly forgotten as a dream
Dies at the opening day
     -Isaac Watts, “Our God, Our Help in Ages Past”

When the first living thing existed, I was there, waiting. When the last
living thing dies, my job will be finished. I'll put the chairs on the tables,
turn out the lights and lock the universe behind me when I leave.
     -Neil Gaiman,  “Facade”

In this country we find it pays to shoot an admiral
from time to time to encourage the others.
     -Voltaire, “Candide”

Aha! I know what you're thinking... Did I fire six shots or only
five? To tell you the truth, I forgot it myself in all this excitement.
This here's a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
world, and it can blow your head clean off. Now, you must ask
yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk?
     -Clint Eastwood, “Dirty Harry”

Q: What do American beer and making
      love in a canoe have in common?
A: They're both fucking close to water.
     -Monty Python

Through me you pass into the city of woe: Through me you pass into eternal pain:
Through me among the people lost for aye. Justice the founder of my fabric moved:
To rear me was the task of power divine, Supremest wisdom, and primeval love.
Before me things create were none, save things Eternal, and eternal I endure. All
hope abandon, ye who enter here.
     -Dante, “The Inferno”

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
But diamonds are a girl's best friend.
     -Marilyn Monroe, “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”

It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of
cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it.
     -Dan Akroyd & John Belushi, “the Blues Brothers”

Tuppence more and up goes the donkey.
     -Windle Poons, various Discworld novels

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
     -Benjamin Franklin

Apples be ripe, nuts be brown,
Petticoats up, trousers down.
     -old Sussex folk song

Hell is other people
     -Jean-Paul Sartre,  “No Exit”

In my stars I am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness: some
are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness
thrust upon 'em.
     -Shakespeare, “Twelfth Night”

Ma's out, Pa's out, let's talk rude!
Pee! Po! Belly! Bum! Drawers!
Dance in the garden in the nude,
Pee! Po! Belly! Bum! Drawers!
Let's write rude words all down the street;
Stick out our tongues at the people we meet;
Let's have an intellectual treat!
Pee! Po! Belly! Bum! Drawers!
     -Flanders and Swann, “P**! P*! B****! B**! D******!”

From ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggety beasties
and things that go bump in the night
Good Lord deliver us.
     -traditional Cornish prayer

It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.
     -old saying

The Duchess! The Duchess! Oh my dear paws! Oh my fur and whiskers!
     -The White Rabbit, “Alice's Adventures in Wonderland”

Anyone here been raped and speak English?
     -anon. BBC reporter

Wait a minute. This sounds like rock and/or roll music.
     -Rev. Lovejoy, “The Simpsons”

Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?
     -Cpt. Over, “Airplane”

It is better that ten guilty persons escape than one innocent suffer.
     -Sir William Blackstone

Life is like a box of chocolates: a cheap, thoughtless
perfunctory gift that no-one ever asks for.
     -Cancer Man, “The X-Files”

Vlada receives $5,000,000 for his services and does not love any of you.
     -"The Critic"

I heard it was a lone gunman.
     -X, “The X-Files”

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.
     -Verbal Kent, “The Usual Suspects”

You have Bacos AND maple syrup?
     -Spense, “Ellen”

I’m innocently aroused.
     -Ariana the Spartan cheerleader, “SNL”

People fuckin’, suckin’, every imaginable position...
     -Bill Hicks

I’m the system’s bitch.
     -Drew, “The Drew Carey Show”

I’m running out of lesbians.
     -Paige, “Ellen”

Lookie, I’m being abducted by space aliens!
     -Tick, “The Tick”

Writing- like suicide- is a solitary pursuit.
     -Carl Posey

Archie and Jughead were lovers.
     -Hooper X, “Chasing Amy”

Life ain’t nothin’ but bitches and money.
     -Ice Cube

You’re gonna have to fight your way through two forms of birth control, my friend.
     -Dharma, “Dharma and Greg”

Thank you, Superman. I feel like an idiot, too.
     -Lois , “The New Batman and Superman Adventures”

Lousy god.
     -Homer, “The Simpsons”

Let’s go out and terrify some Baptists.
     -Emma Thompson, “Ellen”

Half of me wants to kiss you. The other half wants to hit you with a truck.
     -Two-Face, “Batman- The Animated Series”

George Michael is a woman, Debbie Gibson’s dead, Jimi’s STILL jammin’.
     -Bill Hicks

One man's creative laboratory is another man's license to wank.
     -Bill Flanagan

Look at me.
     -Chili Palmer, “Get Shorty”

I would love to make a woman cry like that.
     -Tony Abbott

Groping in a closet isn’t dating.
     -Cordelia, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”

Are you ready to get your groove on, you funky party weasel?
     -Xander, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”

It reeks of death. It will be the best party ever.
     -Drusilla, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”

He’s not a Nazi. He just drives a Mercedes.
     -Jessica, “Soap”

I’m just trying to cut down the number of times I try heroin. . . in a day.
 -Dave Foley, “The Kids in the Hall”

Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control.
     -Bill Hicks

Honey, I love you. . . but bite me.
     -Dharma, “Dharma & Greg”

There is a curse. . .may you live in interesting times.
     -Terry Pratchett

It's like driving an ice cream truck, except we don't sell drugs.
     -Dharma, "Dharma & Greg"

Here’s an old, dull knife...give me your penis.
     -Chris Crandall

Policy is what the kingpins want. What the others want is juvenile delinqency.
     -John Updike, “A & P”

The guys look at my butt, and, no, I’m not a slut, but I’ll fuck you in the bathroom.
     -the Gadjits, “Party Girl”

We’re making snow angels! Um, do you need instructions?
     -Pinky, “Pinky and the Brain”

Never trifle with the affections of a woman.
     -Catwoman, “Batman: The Animated Series”

I will love you until the end of the world.
     -Jesse Custer, “Preacher”

A poem is not a Pop-Tart.
     -Martin Espada

A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures
of barley for a penny, and see thou hurt not the oil and
the wine.
     -Revelations 6:6

So the whore played well with others, did she?
     -Peggy, "King of the Hill"
Where the hell is Rupert?...Fuckin' Academy homophobes!!!
     -the mighty Joe Hallenbeck

You're a chubby little flannel boy.
     -Tim Taylor, "Home Improvement"

What if Jesus talked like an effeminate Southern man?
     -David Cross
If unrequited love were a religion, I'd be its God.
     -Paul Serena

It was a scene to make a happy man slit his wrists on a fine spring day.
     -Terry Pratchett, "Men at Arms"
MTV... in charge of babysitting your unruly ass.
     -Kevin Smith

The more you see some people, the more you like dogs.
     -trad. saying

Poor hoggy.
     -Prof. Conrad

I'm feeling so down right now that not even a lap dance from Jennifer Connely
could cheer me up.
     -the mighty Joe Hallenbeck

He hides his hatred beneath a sheepish grin.
     -Bad Religion, "Leaders and Followers"
A word is not a sparrow, for if it flies out, you can't catch it.
     -trad. Russian saying

If there's beer, we'll drink it. If not, we'll wait.
     -trad. Russian saying
I have a slim chance of getting a screenplay nomination, but I would die happy if I got
one. It would cut down on the amount of sex I have to beg for.
     -Kevin Smith
Paramedics will ignore a bleeding man when Cindy Crawford is nearby in a jog bra.
     -Finch, "Just Shoot Me'
We got spirit, yes we do, we got spirit, how 'bout I rip your head off and shove it down your throat?
     -Pinky, "Drew Carey"

Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough it's like depth.
     -Daria, "Daria"
He's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack-smoking porn freak.
    -Mr. James, "Newsradio"

Even the most eloquent sentence can benefit from proper punctuation.
    -Burnfingers Begay, "To the Vanishing Point"

Never has terror been so very genteel.
    -Night of the Terribly Proper Dead, "Mad TV"

I’m tired of coming up with last minute, desperate solutions to impossible problems
created by other fucking people.
    -Tommy Lee Jones, "Under Siege"

I do not believe in God, but I fear Him.
    -Verbal Kent, The Usual Suspects

We must abandon our faith in the pleasant poetry of Genesis.
    -Spencer Tracey, "Inherit the Wind "

From hell’s heart, I stab at thee!
    -Cpt. Ahab, "Moby Dick"

Losers whine about doing there best.  Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.
        - Sean Connery, "The Rock"

Yeah, I faked my own death and hijacked a passenger train ‘cause I care about who
 you’re fucking.
    -Eric Bogosian, "Under Siege 2"

Who are you carrying all those bricks for anyway?  God?  Is that it?  God?  Well,
I tell you.  Let me give you a little inside information about God.  God likes to
watch.  He’s a prankster.  Think about it.  He gives man instincts.  He gives you
this extraordinary gift and then what does He do?  I swear, for His own
amusement, His own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition.  It’s
the goof of all time.  Look, but don’t touch.  Touch, but don’t taste.  Taste, don’t
swallow.  And while you’re jumping from one foot to another, what is He doing?
He’s laughing His sick fucking ass off!  He’s a tight ass, He’s a sadist.  He’s an
absentee landlord.  Worship that?  Never.
    -Al Pacino, "Devil’s Advocate"

Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups.
    -Eric Bogosian, "Under Siege 2"

Me flunk English?  That’s unpossible.
    -Ralph Wiggum, "The Simpsons"

As God as my Judge, I thought turkeys could fly.
    -Less Nessman, "WKRP in Cincinnati"

Come with me, Mr. Rainsford, and I’ll show you a collection of heads I’m quite sure
 you’ve never seen before.
    -General Zaroff, The Most Dangerous Game

Anyone who attempts to render sexual experiences directly must face the fact that
the  writhings which comprise it are ludicrous without their subjective content.
    -William Gass

Hot stuff, comin’ through.
    -Steel Worker, The Simpsons

Then I made a hike for I didn’t like to hear him sizzle so.
    -Robert Service, The Cremation of Sam McGee

That’s why Jughead wore that crown. He was the king of Queen Archie’s world.
    -Hooper X, Chasing Amy

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
    -Jack Nicholson, Batman

Ignorance is bliss - when your wife is ignorant.
    -Chester A. Riley, The Life of Riley

I wanna fuck you like an animal.
    -Nine Inch Nails, “Closer”

Sane men don’t build weapons like this.
    - David Gianopoulos, Under Siege 2

Fight the war, fuck the norm.
    - Rage Against the Machine, “Bombtrack”

Chance favors the prepared mind.
    - Eric Bogosian, Under Siege 2

You can’t go home again, Dr. Ottman - but I guess you can shop there.
    - John Cusack, Grosse Pointe Blank

There’s nothing like the smell of napalm in the morning.
    - Robert Duvall, Apocalypse Now

When we first met, you were like, ‘Oh phooey, I burned the darn muffins.’  Now you
walk into a bar, five minutes later, sailors come running out.  What up with that?
    - Samuel L. Jackson, The Long Kiss Goodnight

I’m not married, I don’t have any kids - and I’d blow your head off if somebody paid
me enough.
    - John Cusack, Grosse Pointe Blank

We’ve got front row tickets to the end of the earth.
       - Steve Bucemi, Armageddon

Yippi kay yay, mother fucker.
    - Bruce Willis, Die Hard

They just asked us to save the world.  Does anybody want to say no?
    - Bruce Willis, Armageddon

Why couldn’t you just put the bunny down?
    - Nicolas Cage, CON AIR

Carol the waitress, meet Simon the fag.
    - Jack Nicholson, As Good as it Gets

If I let you suck my tongue, would you be grateful?
    - Nicolas Cage, Face/Off

Peach...I could eat a peach for hours.
    - Nicolas Cage, Face/Off

Vanity is definitely my favorite sin, Kevin. So basic - self-love - the all natural
    - Al Pacino, Devil’s Advocate

Never swap jokes with the angel of death.
    - Old Jewish Proverb

Personality determines the approach to wetness.

Women - ya can’t live with ‘em, so I don’t.
    - “Trollboy79”

Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding
    - Harvey Danger, “Flagpole Sitta”

Never settle with words what you can settle with a flame thrower.
    - Bruce Feirstein, Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche

I stick my neck out for nobody.
    - Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"

It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.
    - old saying

Through me you pass into the city of woe: Through me you pass into eternal pain:
 Through me among the people lost for aye.  Justice the founder of my fabric
 moved:  To rear me was the task of power divine, Supremest wisdom, and
 primeval love.
 Before me things create were none, save things Eternal, and eternal I endure.  All
 hope abandon, ye who enter here.
    - Dante, The Inferno

Nobody loves me, nobody cares.  Nobody loves me, maybe I’ll go eat
    -Limp Bizkit, “Nobody Loves Me”

Malcom felt rather embarrassed.  His social equipment did not include
 formulae for talking to people he had just mortally wounded, or badgers, let alone
 a combination of the two. Nevertheless, he felt it  incumbent upon him on say
 something, and his mind hit upon the  word  designed for unfamiliar
 situations.  “Sorry,” he said.
    -Tom Holt, Expecting Someone Taller

You’ll understand the language of the birds and like it, my lad!
    - Ingolf, Expecting Someone Taller

Love?  Overrated.  Biochemically no different than eating large quantities of
    - Al Pacino, Devil’s Advocate

Don’t give me attitude, sir.  See, you’re assuming that I won’t shoot your sorry ass.
 And everyone knows when you make an assumption, you make an ass of u and
 mption.  Now, I’m Sgt. Madigan, vice, and if you do cop a ‘tude, jerkoff, I will
see to it that you spend the next ten years in jail getting ass-fucked.  And if the case is
 thrown out because my arrest was too violent, I will personally hire men to
 ass-fuck you for the next ten years.  So if you’re an ass-fucking fan, go ahead and
 lip off.
    - Samuel L. Jackson, The Long Kiss Goodnight

Love understands, and therefore waits.
    - F. Drummond

Racists eat poo!
    - bumper sticker

Surgeon General’s Warning: Doing anything, anywhere, at any time, with anyone,
 may be hazardous to your health.
    - bumper sticker

George Carlin is by far one of Rob's favorite all-time comedians.
His Senseless Ramblings link is largely influenced by his book, Brain Droppings.

Sense I couldn’t decide on only a few quotes from his book, I decided to give him ten.

When a ghostwriter dies, how many people come back?

The truth is, Pavlov’s dog trained Pavlov to ring the bell just before the dog

The status quo always sucks.

We’re all fucked.  It helps to remember that.

When the going gets tough, the tough get fucked.

You can’t fight city hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

I didn’t wash today.  I wasn’t dirty.  If I’m not dirty, I don’t wash.  Some weeks I
 don’t have to shower at all.  I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and
 asshole.  And to save time, I use the same brush.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn’t find an opening.

Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional
repression,  hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff.  I love it even when it’s not a
 movie.  No, especially when it’s not a movie.

One of television’s great contributions is that it brought murder back into the home,
 where it belongs.
    - Alfred Hitchcock

To our wives and sweethearts...may they never meet.
    - old Royal Navy toast
If my doctor told me I only had six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood.  I’d only type a
 little faster.
    - Isaac Asimov

I do not bring forgiveness with me, or forgetfulness.  The only ones who can forgive
 are dead; the living have no right to forget.
     - Chaim Herzog, on first visit to Bergen-Belsen, German concentration camp

Stupid bug, you go squish now!
    - Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

    - Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

It stinks!
    - Jay Sherman, The Critic

I didn’t ask to be secretary of balloon doggies - the balloon doggies demanded it!
    -Franklin Sherman, The Critic

I know now why you cry.
    - Arnold Schwarzennegger, T2

Oh, and one time I saw a blimp!
    - Rodney Dangerfield, The Simpsons

It’s finger lickin’ good.
    - old KFC slogan

I can’t find the man in the little boat.
    - Officer Barbrady, Southpark

If I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you!
    - old beer commercial

If I want any of yer lip I’ll take it outta my zipper.
    - anon. redneck

When you assume, you make an ass of u and me.
    - Tony Randal, The Odd Couple

An idea is a greater monument than a cathedral.
    - Spencer Tracey, Inherit the Wind

Millions of digits of targeting codes, or sixty minutes of triple-x, interactive, rubber
and leather bondage porno?  Technology can be used for beauty or debasement -
and until you plug it in, you just never know.
    - Eric Bogosian, Under Siege 2

There are two groups of people in this world - those who divide people into two
 groups and those who don’t.
    - Robert Benchley

The kind of humor I like is the thing which makes me laugh for five seconds and
think  for ten minutes.
    - William Davis, Like it Is

Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of reason with unreason.
    - Jack Kroll, Newsweek

We have met the enemy, and he is us.
    - Pogo

Prisons don’t rehabilitate, they don’t punish, so what the hell do they do?
    - Edmund G. Brown, Jr., Thoughts

Sex: The Breakfast of Champions
    - James Hunts’ race car slogan

I am agnostic.   I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of.
    - Clarence Darrow

Save a thief from the gallows, and he will be the first to cut your throat.
    - Italian proverb

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
    - Joe E. Lewis

Man is stark mad; he cannot create a flea, and yet he will be making gods by the
    - Michel De Montaigne

Power tends to corrupt - absolute power corrupts absolutely.
    - Lord Acton

It is no sin to kill a killer
    - Hindu proverb

Love: A grave mental illness.
    - Plato

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and realizing that she
looks like a haddock.
    - John Barrymore

Do not worry about your difficulties with mathematics - I assure you mine are still
    - Albert Einstein

God, if there is a God, take my soul, if I have a soul.
    - Ernest Renan

Is man one of God’s blunders, or is God one of man’s blunders?
    - Friedrich Nietzsche

A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
    - Channing Polluck