101 Things to Never, Ever,
Say to Your Girlfriend
Note: The things in italics are the female's comment, the repsonses
being what you shouldn't say. The things in parentheses are credits to
whatever movies or people we stole them from. Got it? Good.
1. You used to buy me flowers!
You used to weigh 120 pounds.
2. You never listen to me!
3. Why would I want a thin, big-chested woman when i can have you?
4. Does this make me look fat?
No, your hips do.
5. Was it good for you?
I've had better. (Liar Liar)
6. Your ass isn't fat... it's proportionate to the rest of your body.
7. Wow, that sounded just like your mother.
8. Oh, come on... my last girlfriend did it for me.
9. Calling her any woman's name but her own
10. Anniversaries and Valentine's Day are solely chick holidays.
11. With my last girlfriend, it was only about great sex- with you,
it's nothing like that.
12. The great part about dating you is that I never have to worry about
another guy stealing you away.
13. How do you grow such a great mustache?
14. I see women as nothing more than baby-producing machines. (Jerry
15. Oh, come on, honey- your hair doesn't look that bad.
16. Of course I like looking at naked women? What do you think?
17. 50 bucks?! You're just going to end up naked anyway.
18. Christ, are you on the rag or something?
19. I like full-bodied women.
20. Not now, the game's on.
21. Could you hurry up with the bitching? Half-time's almost over.
22. Oh, would you just shut up?
23. Do you always talk about just yourself?
24. If I was going to dump you, I would have done it a long time ago.
25. Gosh, that made you sound like a real bitch.
26. Are you through yet?
27. Come on, I was thinking of you the whole time.
28. Has your voice always been that grating?
29. I just realized how sad it is that I'm the best you can do.
30. All women are prostitutes in some way or another.
31. You are ugly when you're angry. (Spaceballs)
32. I like you better when I can only see the top of your head.
33. Hey, let's try something new...
34. For someone who's done this as much as you, you're not very good.
35. Come on, you were a slut in college.
36. To be subtle- You make the rockin' world go 'round... (Queen)
37. Thirty-seven?!?!?! (Clerks)
38. Finger cuffs? (Chasing Amy)
39. You know, your sister's kinda hot.
40. Have you ever thought about getting it on with me and another chick?
41. Christ, you'll never fit your fat ass into that.
42. This is how my ex used to do it...
43. Bring up an ex in an intimate situation (i.e., whilst cuddling
44. Did you ever think about exercising more?
45. Have you ever considered a boob job?
46. But honey, they'll be tasteful nudes.
47. So.... you gonna suck my dick?
48. Its only herpes. Consider it a loving gift from me to you.
49. Here, hide this in your cleavage, and if security frisks you, run
like the dickens.
50. Honey, why can't your ass be as cute as hers?
51. Your ass may be the size of a semi, but im sure we could get through
the K-Tag toll booth without any trouble.
52. Is your ass going to be as big as your mom's when you get that
53. You're WHAT? Is it mine?
54. You're WHAT? Why don't we take a walk to the stairwell... just
to get a bit of exercise.
55. You're WHAT? I'll meet you six feet under.
56. She was the greatst fuck I've ever had.
57. He was the greatest fuck I've ever had.
58. You remind me of my mom.
59. You look just like my mommy.
60. You're just here because of my lack of options.(in a serious tone)
61. Will you help with putting on these fishnet stockings?
62. My bra is just chaffing. It does that once in a while.
63. It was just an experiment. I never caught any genital rabies or
anything like that. Well, 'cept the parisites, but that's it.
64. We need to talk.
65. You ought to sit down.
66. Would you pretend to be my roommate's girlfriend while my real
girlfriend's in town?
67. Really- that's my mom's lipstick on my collar.
68. If you loved me, you would.
69. You're not near as tight as the next door neighbor's kid.
70. Mind if I call you "Britney" tonight?
71. Where'd you learn to do makeup- clown college?
72. You are so much more fun when you're drunk.
73. I've seen leeches less clingy than you.
74. I'd take you out for dinner, but I spent my last $10 on that lapdance.
75. Maybe if you got your hair cut, you wouldn't look like such a dyke.
76. I don't give a shit what you think.
77. I get my relationship advice from Eminem.
78. What was your name again?
79. Are we gonna screw or what?
80. The money's on the dresser.
81. Try not to wake me in the morning when you get the hell out.
82. Y'know, your brother's kinda hot.
83. Your mom's a MILF.
84. I'm done.
85. Of course shje's hotter than you- but I can't have her.
86. I thought the cop was a hooker. (the Simpsons)
87, I didn't think you'd find out.
88. You weren't supposed to be home for another hour.
89. The "C" word
90. What in the hell took you so long in the bathroom? You fall in
91. The handcuffs don't chafe near as much as you'd think.
92. As we've discussed, wearing women's underwear is strictly a comfort
thing. (the Simpsons)
93. I love you.
I love...cake. (That 70's Show)
94. It's tasty... but not as good as what my mom makes.
95. You listen to [band/artist]? *maniacal laughter*
96. I'll leave the seat down when you start putting out more.
97. Women as lovers are all the same- they just have to be there. (Clerks)
98. Would you just make up your fucking mind so we can go?
99. Hey, you get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some
pie! (South Park)
100. Oh, is that all? I thought it was something important.
101. Basically anything you say is going to get you yelled at.