Coupons I Wish They Would Put In the Entertainment Booklet
(You know- that thing for cheaper meals, freebie cappuccinos, deals on car rentals,
hotels and theatre and concert tickets they put out each year.)
1. One Free Week at the Betty Ford Center when admitted for one or more of the following for atleast six months: drug abuse or addiction, alcohol abuse or addiction, depression or anorexia nervosa.

2. 50% off your first THREE visits at Charter if you have one of the following disorders: schizophrenia, autism, necrophelaphobia (yeah that means fear of getting screwed by the dead)or hallucinations mixed with insanity (Plus you might be eligible for 25% off your first five lithium doses.)

3. Assassins Anonymous Two For One Deal!!! Usually we charge $100,000 for the first murder and $50,000 for the rest, but we have an offer you can't refuse. That's right we'll kill two people for the price of one! So, think hard, who was that kid that beat you up in fourth grade, we'll take care of him and the girl who broke your heart sophomore year!

4. The Children of Fire and Brimstone cordially invite you to come and enjoy a free lifetime of sinless joy in their cult. We'll take your money-- the materialistic bottom of sin--and make you commit suicide but your soul will be  suh-auh-ved (pronounced as a big, fear-of-God Southern Baptist would say).

5. $10 off any visit to the Marquis de Sade's Chamber of Dark Entertainment. We offer the latest versions of medieval torture chambers as well as the best S&M devices and Mistresses on this side of Eden. We also specialize in making custom-made whips and chains.

6. 30% off your first purchase of 100% pure heroin at The Ghetto! Affordable and you'll finally be able to understand Burroughs' Naked Lunch!

7. After TWO visits to Betty's Bordello your THIRD is free!!! We also offer a line of FREE STDs!!! Come see the gorgeous girls in cheap thongs, plastic tits and the most platinum bleached hair this side of the Howard Stern Show. After all our motto is: "We make Hustler look like Disney!!!"

8. The Enchanted Forest offers you a buy one get one free deal at their RPG haven. So, all of you anti-social adolescents come and play Vampire the Masquerade, White Wolfe, Magic: the Gathering and many, many others for hours, and with our special deal, bring a friend!!! (Dress Code is enforced, all people wearing Abercrombie and Fitch will be crucified in Morpheus's Death Chamber)

9. Christy's Toy Box, Big Sale. With this coupon you can get 50% off of any sex toy of your choosing. Or $10.00 off your choice off edible underwear or any 3-liter bottle of K-Y edible (strawberry or chocolate flavor) jelly.  At list store we off the biggest possible probes that you can shove up any body part of your liking. Cum see us soon!

10. PAA- Preppy-Ass Anonymous invites you to three free sessions when you buy a 20-session deal. We'll help you deal with that aggression against all freaks of nature, and not of nature as well as ending your addiction to wearing shirts that say AF, CK, GAP, Tommy, and FUBU.  We'll teach you that Goths are not out to kill you and that Thespians are people too. With the guidance of PAAs wonderful counselors you may someday make friends with a stoner. Good luck and come in for an evaluation today!