101 Ways to Tell That
You’re a College Student
Living on Your Own

So you’ve finally moved out of your parents’ basement, and you’re in college now!  But are you living life to the fullest?  This list will help make sure that all that time practicing for the real world by being a friendless tool whose only link to the real world was the Web wasn't wasted.

1.  A knock on the front door sends you scurrying to hide things before you open it.
2.  You’ve ever debated which utility you can do without this month so you can make rent.
3.  You’ve ever arranged furniture or cleaned with the possibility of chicks coming over in mind.
4.  You’ve ever taken more than seven pizza boxes out to the trash at once.
5.  You’ve gotten a job at a restaurant so you can eat at least one meal a day.
6.  Your sleep schedule is more erratic than a vampire at the South Pole.
7.  Anything in your apartment is sitting on a milk crate.
8.  Or giant spool.
9.  You have more invested in home entertainment than you have invested in your college education.
10.  You don’t remember the last time you ate a meal that didn’t require you to add water.
11.  The cop asks what he told you the last time he came out.
12.  The volume of your stereo is based on the volume of the thumping of the broom from the downstairs neighbors.
13.  They stop carding you at the liquor store.
14.  You have “your” stool at the bar.
15.  Your homesickness is directly related to the size of your dirty laundry pile.
16.  Or your lack of money.
17.  Your student loans have been used to get you out of debt.
18.  Eighties music is cool again.
19.  You could do 10-20 for the amount of stuff you stole from home before you moved out.
20.  You’ve pissed off your balcony.
21.  You’ve vomited off your balcony.
22.  You like hanging out on your balcony.
23.  There has ever been a keg on your balcony.
24.  Every trash bag you take out clinks.
25.  Quad shot espressos have ever “kept you going.”
26.  Even though you haven’t eaten for two days, you don’t eat tonight because it’s 3:30 AM and no one will deliver anymore.
27.  You’ve got any books on drinking games or mixing drinks.
28.  You ever contemplate how bad things “would really be” if you just dropped out of college and worked at McDonald’s for the rest of your life.
29.  You’ve gone home with someone from a bar and wondered why the next day.
30.  You have street signs decorating your walls.
31.  You design a class schedule to work around your favorite times to sleep.
32.  You’ve sent more than three late bills at once.
33.  Every payday is like a little Christmas.
34.  You still think that your high school relationship will actually work out even though you are both separated by thousands of miles and millions of attractive, horny people.
35.  You have ever commented on how many attractive women are on your campus.
36.  You have ever finished an assignment that was more than three pages thirty minutes before it’s due.
37.  You remember high school with at least one happy memory.
38.  You now look on high schoolers with disdain.
39.  Your couch is older than you are.
40.  Cleanup after any given party leaves you with a pile of guests’ clothes, booze, and personal effects.
41.  You’ve ever pondered how long a check would take to clear right before payday.
42.  Anything in your home was retrieved from a curb.
43.  You’re a connoisseur of caffeine pills.
44.  Your beanbag chair is laminated in duct tape.
45.  You’re on a first name basis with the pizza guy.
46.  You’ve gone to class with a hangover.
47.  Or drunk.
48.  Or high.
49.  Or in your pajamas.
50.  You’ve ever called in to work sick to go drinking.
51.  You know “of” vacuum cleaners.
52.  You hate when your parents drop by unexpectedly because you don’t have time to get rid of the smells.
53.  There’s enough spare hair in your shower/sink/on the bathroom floor to make a rather large coat.
54.  You’ve ever sat and watched TV naked “just because you can.”
55.  You’ve got a “funny” outgoing message on your answering machine.
56.  You think more than one unkind thought towards your roommate per day.
57.  The coffee shop asks you to start paying rent.
58.  You finally understand why dad was always yelling at you to turn off lights and shut the door in the winter.
59.  You’ve ever stolen food from the school cafeteria.
60.  Your girlfriend has been to your home no less than 500 times and still can’t touch a remote without somehow destroying the entire entertainment system.
61.  There is nothing fresh in your fridge.
62.  There is nothing in your fridge that has ever turned UV rays into sugar.
63.  Your fridge contains a loaf of what you like to call “Chia Bread.”
64.  You clean beer, bong water, or blood out of your carpet with some frequency.
65.  You’ve donated blood to “make ends meet.”
66.  You’ve sold CDs for the same reason.
67.  You’ve run out of things to sell for the same reason, and the blood people won’t let you come anymore because one more trip will render you into a walking raisin.
68.  You have enough delivery menus to be bound into a book.
69.  You’ve gone for more than a semester without washing your sheets.
70.  You smell more than one piece of clothing each morning to determine if it can still be worn.
71.  You’ve ever wondered why you bother having an apartment since most of your time is spent at your significant other’s house, school, work, the bars, or parties.
72.  Febreze is an alternative to washing laundry.
73.  Getting up for class actually hurts, physically.
74.  Macaroni and cheese is its own food group.
75.  Personal electronics suddenly become “study aids” when loan time comes around.
76.  Owning your own car goes from being the best to being very, very costly.
77.  You’ve ever been kept awake by the passing bar crowds.
78.  Yeah, you’re getting evicted, but fuck it, you got beer.
79.  Yeah, you hate your girlfriend, but fuck it, you’re getting laid.
80.  You have ever fallen asleep in the bathroom, or with your head in a trash can.
81.  You have ever been carried home.
82.  The major food groups: macaroni and cheese, Ramin, pizza, TV dinners, coffee, and beer.
83.  You don’t so much fall asleep as you pass out.
84.  You own 5 DVDs for every credit hour you’ve taken.
85.  If any condiments, napkins, or silverware you own was stolen from restaurants.
86.  You suddenly become “frugal.”
87.  You have used a dirty glass or a soup can for an ashtray.
88.  You write a cookbook entitled “101 Creative Recipes for Jazzing up Mac-&-Cheese.”
89.  You have more than two posters up in your living room.
90.  Your neighbors have ever complained about the noise/music/smell/you.
91.  You hate mail because it means bills.
92.  The only green vegetables in your fridge weren’t always.
93.  A sandwich just isn’t a sandwich without the tangy zip of white bread.
94.  You room with a pizza guy for convenience’s sake.
95. Do you lie more to your girlfriend or boss?
96.  You can’t afford rent, bills, tuition, loan payments, or car repairs, but drugs, cigarettes, and beer always seem to have a budget.
97.  You have enough unread newspapers in your home/on your porch to circle the Equator twice.
98.  You go to the gas station so you can use a clean bathroom.
99.  You’ve become used to cleaning up the vomit of others.
100.  You don’t have enough gas in your car to get out of your parking space.
101.  You owe your roommate about $700 at present date and swear you’ll pay it back “sometime before you’re dead.”