Paul Serena’s
101 Ways To Make
High School Basketball
a More Interesting Sport

This last year I began going to the school’s basketball games.  I only went to get
out of the house and socialize with my knot of mentally warped friends.  I didn’t give a
tin shit for the actual game.  Yet on one occasion, while idly watching the girls basketball
team bounce around the court, we began ticking off ways to make it more interesting.
Here’s 101 of them. 

1. Double the length and width of the court.
2.  Raise baskets to 20 feet.
3.  Mount court on hydraulic lifts and cause it to randomly spin, tilt, raise, drop, shake,
and otherwise deviate from the regulation horizontal position.
4.  Rig the floor with treadmills of varying direction and speed.
5.  Insert camoflaged spring boards in the floor which launch players without warning
several feet into the air at high velocities.
6.  If a player possesses the ball for more than two seconds, it will send a painful but
nonlethal current of electricity into their body.
7.  Armed basketball:  Players are equpped with blunt objects and gardening implements
(i.e. thatching rakes, post hole diggers, and scythes).
8.  Players penalized for NOT injuring other players regularly.
9.  Players must wear stilts.
10.  10 points for ricocheting ball off opponent’s head and into basket.
11.  Women’s NUDE basketball.
12.  When players collide or scuffle, it is only a foul if blood is not drawn, internal organs
are not ruptured, torn, etc, or bones are not broken.
13.  Head of opposing team’s captain is impaled on a stick immediately after the game
and paraded around school the next day.
14.  Make players wear clogs.
15.  Arm highest bidding spectator with a crossbow and 500 arrows.
16.  Periodically reduce entire court to zero inertia.
       Periodically reduce entire court to zero gravity.
       Periodically reduce entire court to zero air resistance.
       Periodically reduce entire court to zero friction.
17.  Alter above mentioned physical properties of individual players or game related
18.  Increase air density.
19.  Open invisible trans-dimensional portals.
20.  Plant small, nonlethal landmines strong enough to incapacitate.
21.  Baskets orbit court.
22.  Each team gets two “Running Man” style warriors to release at their discretion, and
who will remain in play until entire opposing team or the warrior himself is dead.
23.  Four opposing teams at once.
24.  Court perimeter riged with stun weapons and electric fencing.
25.  Release angry hornets or rottweilers.
26.  Illumination consists of strobing blacklight, disco balls, and mist.
27.  Gradually reduce 02 levels in gymnasium.
28.  Fill ball with helium.
29.  Offer winning team two healthy swine and a maiden of virtue true.
30.  One word: “Lethality”
31.  Teams consist solely of people with Terret Syndrome.
32.  Drop-away floor panels.
33.  Fill ball with lead.
34.  Play in mud pit.
35.  Court has large king cobra pit.
36.  High intensity lasers reflected randomly through court by mirrors or rotating disco
37.  No black men or people over 5’9”
38.  Snipers in crowd.
39.  Eye-for-an-eye foul calls.
40.  Play in complete darkness.
41. Take “sudden death” literally.
42.  Large bear traps hidden in floor.
43.  Extremely sticky ball.
44.  Extremely slippery ball.
45.  Razor sharp pendulums swing across court.
46.  Court is a large, complicated labyrinth.
47.  Suspended animation stasis fields placed randomly around court.
48.  Multi-directional wind machines.
49.  Flame spurts in floor.
50.  Sub zero temperatures.
51.  Fountains of superheated steam.
52.  Constant 200 decible omni-directional bass rumble.
53.  Indie Jones style boobie traps hidden at random.
54.  Nature’s Wrath playing field.
55.  All lines on court coated with sensitive impact explosives.
56.  Court encased in spherical room, every surface lined with faceted mirrors.
57.  Distort spacetime.
58.  Increase physical properties (see 16) of entire court or individual items, players.
59.  Isolated burst of microwave radiation.
60.  “When Animals Attack” playing field.
61.  Zamboni the court during play.
62.  PLay in three feet of Jello-O.
63.  Ball pit court.
64.  Violent Sex Fiends vs. Women’s Lib.
65.  Give players LSD.
66.  Aim high-intensity ultrasonic beams at players’ heads.
67.  Play nude in stinging nettles.
68.  Invisible spring-loaded barriers raise out of floor randomly.
69.  Increase players’ adrenaline levels to near-critical.
70.  All players afflicted with bizarre mental, physical, emotional, personality or
behavioral disorders.
71.  Arm players with Mace and tazers.
72.  Play to 10,000 points or death.
73.  For enery single point scored, torture and execute one family member, relative, or
close friend of opposing team.
74.  Make players wear full suits of medieval armor.
75.  Make players ride temperamental rodeo bulls.
76.  Make the ball a two foot cube of bouncy rubber.
77.  Play from stationary positions.
78.  Players ride Harleys on huge court covered with grease and chickens.
79.  Nude pogo stick basketball.
80.  Cheerleaders and dance teams perform on court during play, nude.
81.  Ball of spikes.
82.  Increase ball size by 200%
83.  No-hands basketball.
84.  Penalties for BEING fouled, points for fouling.
85.  Minigolf style obstacles on court.
86.  Tie two opposing players back to back.
87.  Do not allow players to bend or rotate elbows, neck, fingers, or knees.
88.  Remove players’ depth perception.
89.  Losing team must orally satisfy winners and all the specators.
90.  1/100th gee spherical playing field lined with velcro, players wear velcro bodysuits
and must carry chicken.  Court lit with bare, ultrabright halogen bulbs, high intensity jets
of water shot at players.
91.  Players ride jetskis in 50’ deep shark-infested court.
92.  See 91, but omit the jetskis.
93.  Court spins at high velocities.
94.  Players must knock ball into basket using pool cues.
95.  Ball is set on 20’ pedestal in center of constantly changing booby trapped maze after
each score.  Players armed with Klingon Bat’leths and realeased to get it.  No holds
96.  Eliminate players 5 senses.
97.  Players must maneuver Tarzan style via ropes suspended from the ceiling.  To touch
the floor is to invite a lethal dose of electricity.  No halftime.  No rest periods.  Game
lasts 3 hours.
98.  Sumo basketball.
99.  Players must use a baby as the ball.  If baby dies, it will be replaced with  a robust,
healthy one.
100.  All players, including men, must wear huge, elegant wedding gowns.
101.  Slice off players’ feet.