Suicide Is Inconvenient

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     Y’know, I was thinking in the bathroom the other day. That’s where I do most of my thinking, actually. And I came to a conclusion: it’s probably really hard to kill yourself while living in a dorm. It seemed to me that it’d be more of an effort than I’m willing to expend.

     First and foremost, there’s the difficulty of getting your implements of extinction past your roommate. Sure, you can smuggle in rope for a noose, a gun, plastic bags for suffocation or razorblades in your backpack, but you’ve got to hide them pretty well, or else there’s many inconvenient questions to answer.

     But let’s say that you do manage to get your stuff in and get it hidden. Now there’s the question of how you’re gonna kill yourself. If you want to hang yourself,
you’ve got to find something to hang yourself from. In my dorm room, the only thing to hang yourself from is the water pipes. You hang yourself from these babies, the damn things are going to break, water will be everywhere, and then you have a LOT of explaining to do.

     Using a gun will just make a lot of noise, and you’ll probably flinch at the last minute, thus only grazing yourself and probably putting a hole in your favourite poster. If you do manage to keep a steely grip on Mr. Revolver, you’ll most likely end up waking your neighbor when the gun goes off. Then, as you’re lying on the ground, an ever-widening pool of blood growing around your prone body, the last thing you hear will be a pounding on the door and the words, “Hey, could you keep it down? People are trying to sleep!” (And it doesn’t matter what time you choose, someone is always asleep)

     Plus, if you want to kill yourself in your room, you have to work around your roommate’s schedule. If his classes are about the same time as yours, there’s not going to be a lot of free time for you to work up the initiative to want to snuff your flame of existence.

     So, if you can’t end it all in your room. Where to go next? The bathrom’s a good choice if you want to slit your wrists. That way, there’ll be no messy blood mop up. The water in the shower will do nicely to wash away all that messy blood. But there are people in and out all of the fucking time. If you manage to figure out a time with no people to distract/stop you, there’s the manner of remembering to slit your wrists in the right way- down the vein, not across. Plus, if you’re lying in the shower, the thing’ll most likely be running after you pass out from lack of vital fluids. Most likely a neighbor’s gonna notice that. Then, there’s the noise. What noise, you ask? Well, there’s two that quickly pop into my head. First, the screams of pain as the soap accidently gets into the cuts in your wrists. Secondly, the thump as your body drops to the tiles and you fade into unconciousness.

     So, in conclusion, if you want to kill yourself, don’t do it in the dorms. Wait until that next trip home. You can save your folks that nasty call from the campus police asking to come and identify the body AND you’ll die in the familiar setting you grew up in.