I have a note on my bathroom mirror that says "Don't
forget to remember to take medicine."  Do you know what the
medicine's for?  To improve my memory.  Swear to God.

1.  FLAUNT THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE MORE MONEY AND POSSESSIONS
2.  DONATE MONEY TO HELP YOUR P.R.
3.  LAUGH LOUDER AT YOUR OWN JOKES THAN OTHER PEOPLE DO
4.  GIVE PEOPLE FASHION TIPS
5.  DON'T SPEAK TO PEOPLE WHO ARE "OUT OF YOUR CLASS"
6.  SNEER
7.  DRINK BIZARRE COFFEES
8.  TRULY GET CONFUSED AS TO WHY EVERYONE ON EARTH DOESN'T
 WORSHIP YOU
9.  SPEND MORE THAN HALF AN HOUR AT A TIME WITH YOUR HAIR
10.  BUY A NEW CAR JUST BECAUSE IT'S NEW 

Q: An Amtrak train heads west from its station at 7:45
A.M. travelling at a speed of ninety miles an hour, carrying
Princess Diana.  The train is being chased by three fully
gassed-up Austin Healeys full of drunken Paparazzi.
     Meanwhile, a plane leaves its runway at 7:53, heading
east at an altitude of thirty thousand feet and a speed of
768 mph.  John Denver is the pilot, his personal bartender
the co-pilot.
     At 8:37, the plane begins losing altitude and heads for
a bridge.  At the same time, the train begins to cross the
bridge.  Parged at a rail road crossing just before the
bridge is a Ryder truck driven by Timothy McVeigh and full
of ammonium nitrite explosives.
     Under the bridge in a river, Versacci is tanning
himself on the deck of his yaght.
     Everybody, plane, train, cars, truck, and boat will all
impact in a few moments.
     Who dies first?

A:  Obviously, the old man.  When the plane began
descending, it starlted a bird which laid an egg in the air
which fell and landed on a Porche's windshield which made
the driver slam on the break which caused a twelve car pile
up which released a rabid dog from a dog catcher's truck
which then bit a man who panicked and ran into the nearby
woods and frightened a squirrel which ran up a power pole
and down the lines and into a transformer, which caused a
short sending a huge surge of electricity into an old man's
house, causing the vacuum cleaner he was using to blow up,
sending a large dust cloud into his face.   He was extremely
allergic to dust, and died of a severe heart attack on the
spot.
     Duh. 

Lawn Mines - The latest in home security.
 
Humorous sympathy cards
 
"Stalker" - By Calvin Kline.  If you can't have her, no one
can.
 
Blatent profanity greeting cards - look for the "Fuck You"
on the back.
 
Condoms with witty sayings on them
 
Flinstones chewable aphrodisiacs 

     Bell bottoms, platform shoes, disco -- all making
comebacks.  All from the seventies.  Eight decades in this
century to choose from and people are taking the seventies.
     Listen, people!  Nothing worth crap came out of the
seventies!  It was a decade gratefully forgotten for twelve
years, when some clothing designer who had run out of ideas
reinstated '70's fashion as the going thing.
     You know what decade I'd like to see come back?  The
twenties.  Why can't we go back to zoot suits and flappers
and Yale beanies?
     And I like the Charleston.  Fuck you. 

     I want to see a guy waitning at a crosswalk look both
ways.  Then, even though no traffic is coming, I want him to
wait for the walk light.  When it changes, he looks both
ways again.
     I then want him to be struck and killed from behind by
a Porche that was driving on the sidewalk to elude the
police.
     That'd be funny as hell.

Cleaning the gears of large industrial machines

Test-crash dummies

Disposable extras in movies

Test subjects for experimental drugs

The next "big game" fad

Surgery practice for first year med. students

Fertilizer

Speed bumps

Bizarre scientific experiments

Heart donors

Sacrificial lambs for Satanic cults

The main ingredient of SPAM

     Watch the difference in the ways male and female
students in high schools or colleges carry their books.
Guys hold them in one hand against their hips.  Girls press
their texts up to their chests, often times with both hands.
     What gives?  Look at the anatomy!  Guys have flat
chests, perfect for pressing flat books to.  Women have
large, obnoxious protrusions jutting out from their rib
cages.
     Girls also have table top hips, good notches for
resting the edges of books upon.  Guys' hips allow for the
easy dropping of said tomes.  Huh.

THINGS YOU DO WHEN YOU THINK NOBODY’S WATCHING

 Everybody, at some point in time, has done something that made them think they
were the only person in the world to do or experience it.  Just to make you slap your
foreheads and make you realize that everyone in the world is doing he same things,
here are a few of the things that my friends and or myself have done that we thought we
were the only ones to do it.

First off, no piece like this would be whole without talking about masturbation.  I don’t
give a shit what kind of Fundamentalist Born-Again Witnessing Amish Mormon Beaver
Cleaver prick you are, you’ve beat your meat or plinked your pink.
 Now that’s not a question.  Everyone tries it.  I will simply not except anything to
the contrary.  But here’s he rub - everyone thinks that every single other person in the
world knows exactly what they’re doing.  I don’t just mean chronic wankers, but
everyone.  It’s this sort of impression that somehow, everyone was just instilled with the
knowledge of what you’ve done.  And you are convinced that you’ve spent just a little
too long in the bathroom, so poof, everyone on the planet knows you masturbated on
October 2, 1989.  Doesn’t work that way.
 Even if you’ve only masturbated once, you also become obsessed with the
possibility of every old wives’ tale about the act being true.  You begin scheduling
regular eye appointments and checking your palms for hair.

What child has not made poison?  They nearly all have, although probably more guys
than girls.  But they take a bottle and concoct poison.
 For those of you who never did or don’t remember, many children take a bottle
and fill it with one of two things - toxins or condiments.  In the case of the condiments,
they would take mustard, ketchup, spices, lemon juice, whatever, and mix them up
inside this bottle.  It was makeshift ‘poison.”
 Real boys used real poison.  Usually consisting of every household cleaner
known to man, plus medicines and things like gasoline and camp stove fuel.  My mix
consisted of everything from lemon Pledge to toothpaste to aspirin to gasoline.
 Usually these bottles ended up getting hidden or buried, ‘cause somehow it just
didn’t seem like you could just pour it out, and people didn’t know what to do with it, so
they buried them.  America probably has tons of Lemon Pledge and toothpaste leaking
into it right now.

Pushing on the door when it clearly says “PULL.”  Everybody does it, so don’t worry.
Oh, and even though you absolutely know you locked your car, you will always pull on
the handle “just in case.”

Don’t you ever have a dream that you trip or kick something and your legs spasm in real
life?  I hate that.  It always wakes me up.  Oh, and when you “fly” in dreams, you never
really fly.  You just kind of float.  Damn it.

Fear is something we all share.  I don’t care how big and strong you think you are, you
get scared.  And most people are scared of the dark, at least to some degree.
 Like how much bigger your room feels when it’s pitch black.  And when no matter
how much you know it can’t happen, you worry about something reaching over the foot
of the bed and just grabbing your ankle.
 What always fucks me up is when I’m in the shower and the house alone.  Any
noise the cat makes or if I leave on a TV or radio I think some ax wielding maniac is
coming for me.

What man has not at some point in his life pissed onto the porcelain interior of a toilet
bowl and not directly into the water so that they don’t make a lot of noise, especially at a
formal party or something? 

CENSOR THIS

 To say what one can or can’t do is called censorship.  It’s wrong, most people will
agree - but they’re big fat fucking hypocrites.  Censorship is a belief - a belief in a
specialized form of oppression.  And most people will agree that it doesn’t work that well.
Shit’s going to get out and go wherever it wants sooner or later.
 But here’s the thing - if censorship is a belief system, a spoken, enforced value,
then doesn’t trying to ban it constitute a form of censorship?  By stopping a voice, be it
political or otherwise, you are censoring.