OK, if you've known me for any length of time, you've
heard me rant on every subject there is.  But tonight
is Thursday, and that of course means that it's
Ladies' Night.

Now, I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression
from this e-mail - this is not a mindless, thoughtless
rant and rave about women, something where I just
bitch and whine.  I'm going to make some points here,
and if you don't like 'em, reply to me (and just me!)
and I will tell you why you are wrong and I am right.
I love a good debate.

So if I may, I shall lay down my views of the "fairer"
sex.  I used quotie marks to signify that if anyone
truly feels that women are in any way whatsoever
"fairer" they should have their genitals pinned to a
cork board.
Now, don't get me wrong, I like women fine.  I am not
sexist, men have their share of problems, but that is
for another e-mail.  Women have their place, I mean,
they really help when it comes to making babies, and I
don't want anyone to think that I want women to be
gone from here.

But here's how it is - women are, by nature, vile,
deceitful, two-faced, coniving, manipulative, soft,
cuddly, evil, psycho, beautiful, bitchy, whiney, sexy,
and most importantly controlling.
And this, my friends, is why...

...NICE GUYS DON'T GET WOMEN!!!

Let me explain.
Now this part is where women and men are equally
guilty...women sit around waiting for Nice Guys to
make the move.  Nice Guys are scared to come on too
strong as they may be taken as desperate, wanting
something they don't, date rapists, or some other type
of jerk.

Likewise, for whatever reason (and I am WAY too gone
to try to get into the Freudian aspect of this), women
have a tendency towards
dating/seeing/marrying/whatever complete assholes.  I
don't know why.  Ladies?  Any ideas?  In brief, I
would be willing to bet they are secretly looking for
someone who is even more domineering and cruel than
they are.  They subconciously want someone to put them
in check.  Again, this is just a possible aspect of
it...I'm not a freakin' shrink.

Which leaves the Nice Guys completely fucking screwed.
 When a girl would rather date an abusive, alcoholic,
lying, cheating fuck head because he has a Backstreet
Boys body and face and a whopping nine inches, the
Nice Guys get left in the dust, wondering "Why me?
What has he got that I don't?  Oh, yeah, an extra five
inches, my bad."
So you get probably millions of Nice Guys in the
world, no, not perfect, but sweet, caring, kind,
considerate, toughtful, huggable, kissable, smart,
creative, inventive, silly, funny, cuddly, strong,
friendly, agreeable, NICE FUCKING GUYS all sitting at
home wondering why the women are out with the Tyson
Beckfords of the world (Author's Note - I'm sure Mr.
Beckford is a very nice person, and this is not meant
to imply that all "Pretty Boys" are assholes - just
most).  The Nice Guys are hanging out together,
griping because the women they would love to be with
more than anything don't know they exist or whatever.

Let me give you some examples of phrases that Nice
Guys hear that drive them up the wall, and their
meanings.

"Let's just be friends." (while NOT in a relationship)
Means-
"You're way too nice for someone like me who was
forged by Satan."

"Let's just be friends (while IN a relationship)
Means-
"I met a guy at a party and he has a better wardrobe
than you."
AND IN BOTH CASES-
"I'll talk to you for another week to be polite and
then pretend I haven't heard of you."

"I want to marry someone just like you."
Means-
"I'll be married to a leather-wearing psychopathic
alcoholic wife beater and complaining about it to
you."

"You're so sweet, but..."
Means-
"I like guys who hit me."
Or-
"You don't look like Antonio Banderas.  Sorry."

"I need someone who is..."
Means-
"...and I've already met him."

"You're so funny!"
Means-
"Didn't Chris Farley die alone?"

"You're such a great guy!"
Means-
"I wonder if that weight lifter I met yesterday is
busy..."

"I'm not ready for (whatever)..."
Means-
"With you, I'm not ready for it.  But with that guy
that picked me up in the bar, I'm ready."

Maybe it's not correct, but it seems accurate enough.
So where are the cool girls at?  I mean, you meet
those women (who are few and far between) that are
just, well, really fucking awesome.  But they are, for
whatever reason, unnattainable.  Is it them, is it us,
guys?  Well, obviously it's them.
Why?  Cos, swear to God, THEY LIKE IT!  Women like
having men wrapped around their fucking little
fingers.  They like to play games and keep guys
guessing.

But it doesn't make sense - cos if the guy is really a
Nice Guy, he's not going to stick around too long with
that kind of shit.  The Nice Guys meet an incredible
woman, one who is just so great, and they have this
great chemistry, and everything.  So why does nothing
come of it?

Because he's a Nice Guy.
And Nice Guys always finish dead fucking last.
And women wave the checkered flags.