Everybody, at some point in time, has done something that made them think they
were the only person in the world to do or experience it.  Just to make you slap your
foreheads and make you realize that everyone in the world is doing he same things,
here are a few of the things that my friends and or myself have done that we thought we
were the only ones to do it.

First off, no piece like this would be whole without talking about masturbation.  I don’t
give a shit what kind of Fundamentalist Born-Again Witnessing Amish Mormon Beaver
Cleaver prick you are, you’ve beat your meat or plinked your pink.
 Now that’s not a question.  Everyone tries it.  I will simply not except anything to
the contrary.  But here’s he rub - everyone thinks that every single other person in the
world knows exactly what they’re doing.  I don’t just mean chronic wankers, but
everyone.  It’s this sort of impression that somehow, everyone was just instilled with the
knowledge of what you’ve done.  And you are convinced that you’ve spent just a little
too long in the bathroom, so poof, everyone on the planet knows you masturbated on
October 2, 1989.  Doesn’t work that way.
 Even if you’ve only masturbated once, you also become obsessed with the
possibility of every old wives’ tale about the act being true.  You begin scheduling
regular eye appointments and checking your palms for hair.

What child has not made poison?  They nearly all have, although probably more guys
than girls.  But they take a bottle and concoct poison.
 For those of you who never did or don’t remember, many children take a bottle
and fill it with one of two things - toxins or condiments.  In the case of the condiments,
they would take mustard, ketchup, spices, lemon juice, whatever, and mix them up
inside this bottle.  It was makeshift ‘poison.”
 Real boys used real poison.  Usually consisting of every household cleaner
known to man, plus medicines and things like gasoline and camp stove fuel.  My mix
consisted of everything from lemon Pledge to toothpaste to aspirin to gasoline.
 Usually these bottles ended up getting hidden or buried, ‘cause somehow it just
didn’t seem like you could just pour it out, and people didn’t know what to do with it, so
they buried them.  America probably has tons of Lemon Pledge and toothpaste leaking
into it right now.

Pushing on the door when it clearly says “PULL.”  Everybody does it, so don’t worry.
Oh, and even though you absolutely know you locked your car, you will always pull on
the handle “just in case.”

Don’t you ever have a dream that you trip or kick something and your legs spasm in real
life?  I hate that.  It always wakes me up.  Oh, and when you “fly” in dreams, you never
really fly.  You just kind of float.  Damn it.

Fear is something we all share.  I don’t care how big and strong you think you are, you
get scared.  And most people are scared of the dark, at least to some degree.
 Like how much bigger your room feels when it’s pitch black.  And when no matter
how much you know it can’t happen, you worry about something reaching over the foot
of the bed and just grabbing your ankle.
 What always fucks me up is when I’m in the shower and the house alone.  Any
noise the cat makes or if I leave on a TV or radio I think some ax wielding maniac is
coming for me.

What man has not at some point in his life pissed onto the porcelain interior of a toilet
bowl and not directly into the water so that they don’t make a lot of noise, especially at a
formal party or something?