QUOTES   * Because of a decision you've made at some point in your life, somebody is probably dying right now* * If clocks didn't exist, you'd never be late, and no one  would ever come in last* * No one will admit to liking the Spice Girls, but someone's  buying their albums* * Your birth certificate is your death sentence* * The buddy system either saves one life or costs two* * Suicide is an arrestable offense* * If hating the human race makes me a racist, than I'm a racist!* * Fuck soccer moms, and shoot their kids* *  I get the feeling that when God looks down on us, He's  either crying His eyes out or laughing His ass off* * I want to see someone choke to death on a Lifesaver candy.  And I mean bad* * Women have as much body hair as men, they're just more willing to cause themselves pain to get rid of it* * Take just a moment to picture your birth* * The cruelest thing you can give a teenager for Christmas  is an empty money holder card that just says "Best  Wishes."* * Someone with your name has been convicted of a felony* * If laws were abolished, there would be no crime* * Death to necropheliacs* *  Give someone ammunition for Christmas -- right in the face* * Nazis suck* * Think about how much more fun fraternities would be if girls could join* *  God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world!* *  There is no way to mumble the word "enunciate."* *  When some soldier pushes the red button that will set off  the nuclear attack that will end civilization, it will  be with the same hand he uses to masturbate* *  People who say "No offense" or "Present company excepted"  are either hippocrates or they don't mean it* *  We all look alike to zebras*   *  Do we have to call her Princess Died now?* *  Which is worse - a man who always sits to pee, or a woman  who stands?* *  God bless the San Andreas Fault Line* *  You will always look when you hear a car horn* *  You will never see a fish mounted on the wall with its mouth closed* *  Masturbation does not cause blindness - I have perfect vision* *  If our waists bent the other way, would backwards be  forwards?  What would chairs look like?* *  Let Texas secede.  Look how much crap we'll be getting  rid of.  While you're at it, let all the former  Confederate states that still want to secede do it.  Then bomb 'em ta shit* *  Do we have to call her Princess Died now?* *  Did you ever meet someone and feel like they came from  the shallow end of the gene pool?* *  Anyone who tells you you're just being paranoid is out to get you* *  If I were dying right now, I'd want my last words to be  "I really killed Princess Diana, I'm the real  Unabomber, and I can clear McVeigh and Nichols."  That'd confuse the hell outta them!* *  How could the Psychic Friends Network have possibly gone bankrupt?*