On the Road Again... Killing People
     I read a cool article in Newsweek the other day about “road rage.”  If you’re not familiar with the term, it refers to excessively aggressive driving.  I’m not just talkin’ speeding or rude gestures, I’m talkin actually forcing people in other cars off bridges and dragging other drivers from their vehicles and shooting holes in their heads.  I shit you not, this stuff does happen.  Coincidentally, I find it funny as hell.  The entire concept just amuses me beyond words.

     True story:  Some dude was at a toll booth, and he pulled into an exact change lane, but alas, lacked exact change.  Grounds for homicide?  The guy behind him sure as hell thought so, and the guy sure as hell clocked the dude.  Blew him right the fuck away.

     Isn’t that a riot?  Talk about getting bent out of shape.  I’ve got a feeling this kind of problem is predominately American, though I am also sure the French rank right up there, too.  Man, we Americans are some vindictive sonsabitches.  Especially when it comes to driving.  How many times have you sworn a blue streak because somebody cut you off?  Made some rude gestures maybe?  Most of us have at least thought about brutally maiming, or just as frequently, slaughtering the perpetrator.  Little things trigger rash actions. Be careful about yelling at another driver or gesturing.  Could get you and your vehicle disseminated across the Interstate.  I’ve read things about people going miles out of their way to get their sweet revenge on some dickless fuck who messed with them, only to hop the guardrail at 90 and total their car and the car they were chasing, and getting all involved killed, plus a coupla innocents for good measure.

     I can only picture the problem escalating.  Soon we’ll all have illegal nuclear arms mounted, Bondlike, to the hoods of our cars.  If somebody cuts you off, well, hope to hell they’ve made their peace with God.  You just push a button and FLOOIE!  You cackle madly as you speed triumphantly through a dissipating cloud of their component atoms.

     Personally, if I had a better vehicle, I would participate in the melee, too.  I need a Hummer. Then people wouldn’t fuck with me.  Oh, the things I’d do to you if you merged to close in front of me or, God forbid, tailgated me.  I really hate that.  If you ever tailgate me, pray to whatever higher power you believe in that I can’t see your license plate, because I will hunt you down and burn your children in the night.  And don’t even think about having your brights on anywhere near me.  That’ll earn you the rest of your pathetic life eating nutrient enriched paste through an IV.  And, while I’m at it, always use your blinkers when passing, changing lanes, and of course, turning.  Otherwise, I’ll pass, change, or turn with you until you are stupid enough to get out of your car, and then I will rip off the turn signal lever and neuter you with it. Another pet peeve:  Slow people.  Drive the fucking limit at least.  I don’t care what your excuse is, or how goddamn old and frail you are, if it’s 40, do 40.  You don’t wanna know what I’ll do to slow people who I get stuck behind.  It won’t be pretty.  And what about those nimrods who drive with their lights on during the day?  What’s up with that?  Do you dicks know how distracting that is?  Yeah, it makes you more visible, but then again, the more visible you are, the easier it is for me to hit you.

     So, you know, if you value your life and the intactness of your limbs and genitalia, by all means be careful.  However, don’t be a bunch of pussy-whipped pansies, either.  And always remember the golden rule of the automotive world:  The best defense is a good offense.

     Now go out there and make it personal.