On the Road Again... Killing People
I read a cool article in Newsweek the
other
day about “road rage.” If you’re not familiar with the
term, it refers to excessively aggressive driving. I’m not just
talkin’ speeding or rude gestures, I’m talkin
actually forcing people in other cars off bridges and dragging other
drivers from their vehicles and shooting
holes in their heads. I shit you not, this stuff does
happen.
Coincidentally, I find it funny as hell. The entire
concept just amuses me beyond words.
True story: Some dude was at a toll
booth, and he pulled
into an exact change lane, but alas,
lacked exact change. Grounds for homicide? The guy behind
him sure as hell thought so, and the guy sure
as hell clocked the dude. Blew him right the fuck away.
Isn’t that a riot? Talk about getting
bent out of shape. I’ve got a feeling this kind of problem is
predominately American, though I am also sure the French rank right
up there, too. Man, we Americans are
some vindictive sonsabitches. Especially when it comes to
driving.
How many times have you sworn a blue
streak because somebody cut you off? Made some rude gestures
maybe? Most of us have at least thought
about brutally maiming, or just as frequently, slaughtering the
perpetrator.
Little things trigger rash actions.
Be careful about yelling at another driver or gesturing. Could
get you and your vehicle disseminated across
the Interstate. I’ve read things about people going miles out
of their way to get their sweet revenge on some
dickless fuck who messed with them, only to hop the guardrail at 90
and total their car and the car they were
chasing, and getting all involved killed, plus a coupla innocents for
good measure.
I can only picture the problem
escalating.
Soon we’ll all have illegal nuclear arms mounted,
Bondlike, to the hoods of our cars. If somebody cuts you off,
well, hope to hell they’ve made their peace
with God. You just push a button and FLOOIE! You cackle
madly as you speed triumphantly through a
dissipating cloud of their component atoms.
Personally, if I had a better vehicle, I would
participate in the melee, too. I need a Hummer. Then
people wouldn’t fuck with me. Oh, the things I’d do to you if
you merged to close in front of me or, God
forbid, tailgated me. I really hate that. If you
ever tailgate me, pray to whatever higher power you believe
in that I can’t see your license plate, because I will hunt
you down and burn your children in the night. And
don’t even think about having your brights on anywhere near
me. That’ll earn you the rest of your pathetic
life eating nutrient enriched paste through an IV. And, while
I’m at it, always use your blinkers when
passing, changing lanes, and of course, turning. Otherwise, I’ll
pass, change, or turn with you until you are
stupid enough to get out of your car, and then I will rip off the turn
signal lever and neuter you with it.
Another pet peeve: Slow people. Drive the fucking limit
at least. I don’t care what your excuse is, or how
goddamn old and frail you are, if it’s 40, do 40. You don’t wanna
know what I’ll do to slow people who I
get stuck behind. It won’t be pretty. And what
about
those nimrods who drive with their lights on during
the day? What’s up with that? Do you dicks know how
distracting
that is? Yeah, it makes you more
visible, but then again, the more visible you are, the easier it is
for me to hit you.
So, you know, if you value your life and the
intactness of your limbs and genitalia, by all means be
careful. However, don’t be a bunch of pussy-whipped pansies,
either. And always remember the golden
rule of the automotive world: The best defense is a good offense.
Now go out there and make it personal.