The Art of the Mosh
    Y'gotta be careful when you mosh. Allow me to be a bit clearer- you must know well what shows or at what time during a show you must mosh. See, there's actually a system of etiquette to moshing.

    Firstly, there's just some shows you don't mosh at. For instance, let's take Yanni or John Tesh (where is another piece entirely). Okay, at one of his (her?) shows, you'll acumulately a lot of aggression. The point of moshing is to release this pent-up aggression. Don't try to get a circle pit going at one of these shows. See, the music is a bit off, and you won't be able to get the proper rhythm, even if the pit does get going. But the major reason is that of the old folks. They're old, and a bit slow, and they've got some physical ailments. Because of this, they carry canes. And they know how to use them quite well.

    Okay, that was a joke. Obviously. But at some shows, you just look like a punk (pun intended) should you start swinging. For instance, ska shows. Lots of ska and punk acts get booked together. Hence, the rudes and the punks mix during the show. So, sometimes, rather often actually, the punks want to mosh while all the rude boys and girls are attempting to dance, skank, whatever. There's nothing like getting your groove on and then having a steel-toed Doc Marten nailing a shin, whilst leather-clad, spiky little punks slam into you from multiple directions. Tends to disrupt a show, as does crowd surfing. So, DON'T MOSH AT A SKA SHOW. Just wait for the punk act to take the stage, or if they were first, chill out and let people dance. You had your chance, now let others have theirs, 'kay?


    And an unwritten rule is that of the first band. It's written in stone (actually, in permanent marker on a bathroom stall, but let's not get technical, all right?) that you should not give any thought to the first band. Don't mosh, don't pogo, don't smile, don't do anything but clap and smile politely (if that). Sure, it may throw their set off, make them depressed, cause them to break up, and send them all into alcoholism- but you don't want to get tired, do you?  Where would you be if that happened? Most likely flat on your ass, because you were so tired and weak, you got knocked down by a twelve-year-old with spiked hair, driven to the show by his mom. Conserve energy.


    And never, ever, mosh with anyone who looks bigger than you. They are evil. They will use their bigness to kick your ass. Also, straight-edgers can kick your ass, as well. But how, Nick? They don't sem to be any bigger or tougher than me. I thought that they were a bunch of people who didn't have frivolous sex and did no drugs. Well, that's true. That's also why you will get hurt by them- because while you were out having a cigarette, downing a brew, or sparking up a bowl, they... weren't. You have poisoned the temple (or the small Mormon tin tabernacle) that is your body. They, on the other hand, are all hopped up on caffeine and have energy to go for an entire set. You'll be lucky to make it through two songs.


    So mosh responsibly, and use your head. Okay, don't use your head. That would hurt. Use your fists and elbows like a normal person. Follow the rules set forth here, and you'll be able to hurt others, whilst remaining basically unharmed yourself. Have fun.