WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...?
The tube-topped little rascals and beloved Saturday morning icons were recently killed in the latest Exxon disaster. Although four managed to escape, one of them choked to death on a K-Mart bag, two were strangled by six-pack rings, and the fourth was bludgeoned to death by a seal hunter.
Milli Vanilli, Kris Kross, & The New Kids on the Block
The once household name bands are all living on a small nudist colony in Province, Rhode Island under assumed names. There they manufacture those crappy
bead keychains for blind people to say.
After being deemed too dangerous for children by the American Safety Commission, they were sold to children in India.
After the now infamous “Timmy and Susie Faye Deaths”, Mr. Ruckspin was pulled from the market. His merchandise is now stockpiled in an undisclosed
The mysterious disappearance of He-Man has raised many eyebrows at the Cartoon Network. There are two going theories as to his end.
First, it is possible that he was beaten to death by women’s lib picketers outside a shopping mall in Fort Worth, Texas. Rumors say that he crossed the picket line, flexed his muscles, and the scene escalated into violence.
The second, more plausible theory is the “Experimental Episode” theory. Allegedly, he was violently murdered by his arch-nemesis Skeletor in a never aired
episode of the show. The writers were tired of having people ask “Why don’t you let the bad guys when for a change?”, and decided to try it. It didn’t work.
Since America’s youths find it next to impossible to eat anything that isn’t either shaped like something else or dyed a color not found in nature, Fun Fruits fruit snacks were replaced by some thirty-odd other gooey, mushy, artificially flavored fruit snacks.
Pogo Balls came out before there were three hundred and ninety-two channels to choose from and virtual reality laser disc game systems. Since children actually have to be active in order to operate Pogo Balls, they lost popularity.
The A-Team broke up in 1989 when Hannibal died from severe lung cancer complicated by tracheal hemorrhaging. When he keeled over one fateful October eve, the surviving members acted quickly, building a crash cart and gurney out of some coat hangers, car parts, and three centimeters of twine. Unfortunately, it was too late for their beloved leader.
B.A. is now an auto mechanic for an Amoco in Hershey, Pennsylvania. “Howling Mad Dog” Murdoch is now a preschool teacher, and Face was killed by a three card monty dealer named Vinnnie the Icepick.
Metal lunchboxes were simply replaced by plastic ones. Lord knows why. I’ve still got my metal lunchboxes (an A-Team one and a He-Man one), and they’re still as strong as ever.
I think people decided that plastic would last longer. Which it does, at least in the landfills, where plastic lunchboxes always end up. Metal lunchboxes usually end up in antique stores.
Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Brite, and My Little Pony
The idols of so many cute little girls, Rainbow Brite and Strawberry Shortcake were arrested for grand felonies. The two were actually Hollywood dominatrixes running an s&m torture dungeon in their gingerbread house’s basement. They used daisy chains and licorice whips to fulfill their clients’ fetishes.
My Little Pony is now at rest in a Jell-O mold.
Garbage Pail Kids
The slime-sucking bunch of tortured tots realized that it is impossible to inflict upon themselves the type of torture they did and stay alive. Needless to say, it took a while for this shock to wear off. When it did, the kids either promptly died, checked into hospitals, or became born-again Christians and changed their wicked ways.
Punky Brewster grew up, graduated top of her class at Harvard and became a high-paid lawyer in Colorado. She then married her high school sweetheart & bought a ranch-style house with twelve acres of beautiful pastures and streams. She and her beloved husband and children frolicked and played with their horses and calico cat named Ditto.
In 1992, she lost an important case. Horribly embittered, she abandoned her loving family for a blonde German kickboxer named Fabian and is now hosting a
mediocre cooking show on PBS in New Hampshire. Serves her right. Deceitful snake woman.
After one too many “accidents,” lawn darts were pulled from the market in 1988. Although Mafia involvement was suspected, there was never any proof offered to convict the mob for the many picnics that were ruined due to the horrible, bloody death of a small child.
Like so many fashion trends, the rolling of jeans cuffs died away for no apparent reason. Maybe people realized that an easier solution would be to simply rip the
bottoms off the jeans.
The Seven-Up Spot, California Raisins, and the Noid
These famous advertising icons each met with tragic ends. The Spot made the mistake of crossing the wrong end of an NRA firing range. He was found with thirty-two bullet wounds.
The California Raisins were given to a child for Halloween. Angered at not receiving candy, he fed them, kicking and screaming, to his parrot.
The Noid, although believed to be invincible, was not. Although it was popularly believed hat he was made of clay, the Noid was actually constructed of C4 plastic explosive.
One dark and stormy night, he was abducted by Pizza Hut strong men, taken to a field, and left with a timer in his back. The explosion was seen for eight square miles.
TV’s favorite munchkin, Webster, is now a successful faith healer in Jamaica living under the name of Papashango. He refuses to give interviews or sign autographs, and if confronted by armed thugs or school yard bullies, he simply acts like a timid little boy who speaks no English.
ALF was finally picked up by his mothership and taken to his homeworld. There he promptly overthrew the peaceful government with a crack team of terrorist militants, and headed back to earth armed to the teeth.
His plans were foiled, however, when his crew died of the millions of microbes he brought back from earth with him. ALF and his crew are now being kept in cold storage, partial dissected, in underground vaults in Area 51. The captured alien technology is now being utilized to monitor American citizens. Honest.
(For those of you who don’t remember, Small Wonder was a short running sit com in which a scientist invented an android named V.I.C.I. and “adopted” her as a daughter. She had a metal plate in her back, never got jokes, and always had to keep the neighbors blissfully unaware..)
During a freak electrical storm one day, V.I.C.I. flipped, going mad and bludgeoning her creator to death with a spare arm. She then went on a homicidal
rampage across four states, always sneaking away from authorities under the guise of a small, innocent little girl. She was finally captured one day by a creative US marshal named Kent who just happened to have an electromagnet on his truck.
Her mechanical makeup is now being scrutinized at government testing facilities.
The Goonies changed their name to the “Machinko” and became a savage blood cult, terrorizing their small home town with pagan human sacrifices and moonlight tree-worshipping services. All except Mickey. He refused to join, and died one day when his asthma inhaler “accidentally” disappeared.
The Popples moved into underground caves with their cousins, the Fraggles. There they co-exist in sanctimonious harmony.
For you see, Popples aren’t really supposed to roll up like that. Kids are just cruel. Many a poor Popple was put in traction.
The T.H.I.N.G.S. all came to life during a harvest moon one night and began hunting down and killing Fundamentalist Christians.
My Buddy and Kid Sister
Both My Buddy and Kid Sister were devoured in 1990 by My Pet Monster, who was quickly neutralized by state troopers.
A QUICK LEGAL
The name brand, trade marked, and copyrighted characters, products, or inventions I have listed are not my own creations. They are all copyrighted to their appropriate manufacturer, studio, or label.