WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...?
The Snorks
The tube-topped little rascals and beloved
Saturday morning icons were recently
killed in the latest Exxon disaster. Although four managed to
escape, one of them
choked to death on a K-Mart bag, two were strangled by six-pack rings,
and the fourth
was bludgeoned to death by a seal hunter.
Milli Vanilli, Kris Kross, & The New Kids on the Block
The once household name bands are all living
on a small nudist colony in
Province, Rhode Island under assumed names. There they
manufacture
those crappy
bead keychains for blind people to say.
Slap Bracelets
After being deemed too dangerous for children
by the American Safety
Commission, they were sold to children in India.
Teddy Ruckspin
After the now infamous “Timmy and Susie Faye
Deaths”, Mr. Ruckspin was
pulled from the market. His merchandise is now stockpiled in
an undisclosed
government warehouse.
He-Man
The mysterious disappearance of He-Man has
raised many eyebrows at the
Cartoon Network. There are two going theories as to his end.
First, it is possible that he was beaten to
death by women’s lib picketers outside a
shopping mall in Fort Worth, Texas. Rumors say that he crossed
the picket line, flexed
his muscles, and the scene escalated into violence.
The second, more plausible theory is the
“Experimental
Episode” theory.
Allegedly, he was violently murdered by his arch-nemesis Skeletor in
a never aired
episode of the show. The writers were tired of having people
ask “Why don’t you let the
bad guys when for a change?”, and decided to try it. It didn’t
work.
Fun Fruit
Since America’s youths find it next to
impossible
to eat anything that isn’t either
shaped like something else or dyed a color not found in nature, Fun
Fruits fruit snacks
were replaced by some thirty-odd other gooey, mushy, artificially
flavored
fruit snacks.
Pogo Balls
Pogo Balls came out before there were three
hundred and ninety-two channels to
choose from and virtual reality laser disc game systems. Since
children actually have to
be active in order to operate Pogo Balls, they lost popularity.
The A-Team
The A-Team broke up in 1989 when Hannibal
died from severe lung cancer
complicated by tracheal hemorrhaging. When he keeled over one
fateful October eve,
the surviving members acted quickly, building a crash cart and gurney
out of some coat
hangers, car parts, and three centimeters of twine.
Unfortunately,
it was too late for
their beloved leader.
B.A. is now an auto mechanic for an Amoco
in Hershey, Pennsylvania. “Howling
Mad Dog” Murdoch is now a preschool teacher, and Face was killed by
a three card
monty dealer named Vinnnie the Icepick.
Metal Lunchboxes
Metal lunchboxes were simply replaced by
plastic
ones. Lord knows why. I’ve
still got my metal lunchboxes (an A-Team one and a He-Man one), and
they’re still as
strong as ever.
I think people decided that plastic would
last longer. Which it does, at least in the
landfills, where plastic lunchboxes always end up. Metal
lunchboxes
usually end up in
antique stores.
Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Brite, and My Little Pony
The idols of so many cute little girls,
Rainbow
Brite and Strawberry Shortcake
were arrested for grand felonies. The two were actually Hollywood
dominatrixes running
an s&m torture dungeon in their gingerbread house’s basement.
They used daisy
chains and licorice whips to fulfill their clients’ fetishes.
My Little Pony is now at rest in a Jell-O
mold.
Garbage Pail Kids
The slime-sucking bunch of tortured tots
realized
that it is impossible to inflict
upon themselves the type of torture they did and stay alive.
Needless to say, it took a
while for this shock to wear off. When it did, the kids either
promptly died, checked into
hospitals, or became born-again Christians and changed their wicked
ways.
Punky Brewster
Punky Brewster grew up, graduated top of her
class at Harvard and became a
high-paid lawyer in Colorado. She then married her high school
sweetheart & bought a
ranch-style house with twelve acres of beautiful pastures and
streams.
She and her
beloved husband and children frolicked and played with their horses
and calico cat
named Ditto.
In 1992, she lost an important case.
Horribly embittered, she abandoned her
loving family for a blonde German kickboxer named Fabian and is now
hosting a
mediocre cooking show on PBS in New Hampshire. Serves her
right.
Deceitful snake
woman.
Lawn Darts
After one too many “accidents,” lawn darts
were pulled from the market in 1988.
Although Mafia involvement was suspected, there was never any proof
offered to convict
the mob for the many picnics that were ruined due to the horrible,
bloody death of a
small child.
Tight-Rolling Jeans
Like so many fashion trends, the rolling of
jeans cuffs died away for no apparent
reason. Maybe people realized that an easier solution would be
to simply rip the
bottoms off the jeans.
The Seven-Up Spot, California Raisins, and the Noid
These famous advertising icons each met with
tragic ends. The Spot made the
mistake of crossing the wrong end of an NRA firing range. He
was found with thirty-two
bullet wounds.
The California Raisins were given to a child
for Halloween. Angered at not
receiving candy, he fed them, kicking and screaming, to his parrot.
The Noid, although believed to be invincible,
was not. Although it was popularly
believed hat he was made of clay, the Noid was actually constructed
of C4 plastic
explosive.
One dark and stormy night, he was abducted
by Pizza Hut strong men, taken to a
field, and left with a timer in his back. The explosion was seen
for eight square miles.
Webster
TV’s favorite munchkin, Webster, is now a
successful faith healer in Jamaica
living under the name of Papashango. He refuses to give
interviews
or sign autographs,
and if confronted by armed thugs or school yard bullies, he simply
acts like a timid little
boy who speaks no English.
ALF
ALF was finally picked up by his mothership
and taken to his homeworld. There
he promptly overthrew the peaceful government with a crack team of
terrorist militants,
and headed back to earth armed to the teeth.
His plans were foiled, however, when his crew
died of the millions of microbes he
brought back from earth with him. ALF and his crew are now being
kept in cold storage,
partial dissected, in underground vaults in Area 51. The captured
alien technology is
now being utilized to monitor American citizens. Honest.
Small Wonder
(For those of you who don’t remember, Small Wonder was a short running
sit com in
which a scientist invented an android named V.I.C.I. and “adopted”
her as a daughter.
She had a metal plate in her back, never got jokes, and always had
to keep the
neighbors blissfully unaware..)
During a freak electrical storm one day,
V.I.C.I.
flipped, going mad and
bludgeoning her creator to death with a spare arm. She then went
on a homicidal
rampage across four states, always sneaking away from authorities under
the guise of a
small, innocent little girl. She was finally captured one day
by a creative US marshal
named Kent who just happened to have an electromagnet on his truck.
Her mechanical makeup is now being scrutinized
at government testing facilities.
The Goonies
The Goonies changed their name to the
“Machinko”
and became a savage blood
cult, terrorizing their small home town with pagan human sacrifices
and moonlight
tree-worshipping services. All except Mickey. He refused
to join, and died one day
when his asthma inhaler “accidentally” disappeared.
Popples
The Popples moved into underground caves with
their cousins, the Fraggles.
There they co-exist in sanctimonious harmony.
For you see, Popples aren’t really supposed
to roll up like that. Kids are just cruel. Many a poor
Popple was put in traction.
Muscle T.H.I.N.G.S.
The T.H.I.N.G.S. all came to life during a
harvest moon one night and began
hunting down and killing Fundamentalist Christians.
My Buddy and Kid Sister
Both My Buddy and Kid Sister were devoured
in 1990 by My Pet Monster, who
was quickly neutralized by state troopers.
A QUICK LEGAL
DISCLAIMER:
The name brand, trade marked, and copyrighted characters, products,
or inventions I
have listed are not my own creations. They are all copyrighted
to their appropriate
manufacturer, studio, or label.