Take Your Guns To School
Yes. That’s right, kiddies, I endorse
the use of violence as a solution to your problems. Recent
events have proven that it is not only feasible, but trendy to smuggle
one or more guns into your school and open fire upon those who have
With increasing frequency, the young people
of America are waking up to the fact that some people never learn, and
that the only way to overcome their thickheaded stupidity is to pierce
their mortal flesh with volleys of ammunition from daddy’s piece.
It is a sadly overlooked fact that, in our proud nation’s public school
systems, thousands upon thousands of young men and women are being
scorned, abused, and alienated by their peers. School
have too often proven themselves impotent in controlling this, and
a stop to the abuse of these poor souls. Principals,
and teachers alike repeatedly display only an interest in pampering the
good little boys and girls who play sports, or run for student
positions, or belong to the clique of shallow pop-culture cookie cutter
sheep who blindly follow the dogma of their friends at the expense of
who dare to shrug off the chains of conformity. Indeed, these
administrators themselves treat the “outcasts” unfairly. As one
these outcasts myself, I can attest to the truth of this vulgar
So, clearly, it is up to the nerds, losers,
geeks, dweebs, and pussies to set things right. Only through
will their oppressors learn their hard lesson. What better way to
humble a bully than to force him to watch as you put a bullet through
face of his best friend? Do you think he will ever forget the
of his comrade’s blood splattering wetly across his face?
He will remember that feeling ever time he sees you, from now until the
end of his days.
When you open fire randomly into the teeming
crowd of a school cafeteria with a semiautomatic weapon, you show
that you are a take-charge kind of individual. You show them you
are fearless, that you are ruthless, that you will do whatever it takes
to get on top of a bad situation and change things for the
You will be respected and honored for your willingness to shed blood
a greater cause. You name will be placed with the names of great
generals and warriors who accepted that they must sacrifice the lives
others to protect the People.
Never will you match the sense of power you
feel when the gun recoils in your hand, and you watch as the skull of
who tormented you is blown open, and his lifeless body falls to the
gymnasium floor, cooling in an expanding puddle of his hateful
That, truly, is power. It is how God himself feels when He smites
the oppressors of His People. Do you wish to know what it is to
God? Of course you do. How can you achieve this
Feel it course through you arm with the sharp kick of a highly polished
However, school shootings, like everything
else in the world, must be performed correctly. This means
things through. You should not simply walk in and shoot
You might not hit anybody at all that way! And while property
is cool and all, it’s not going to get your point across. Only
spilling of blood will do. It would be wise to have supplies
in advance. Work up to it. Smuggle your weapons in
and keep them somewhere they won’t be found. NOT your locker, or
with any personal belongings. They will be found quickly this
due to locker searches performed by the school.
Never announce your plans in any way.
Do not write graffiti making ominous predictions that the school will
in X number of days. Don’t ever make jokes about revenge, and
speak of it at all on or off campus. If word gets round to the
person, you could be turned in before you’ve taken any action at
Then all of your suffering will have been in vain, and nobody will have
learned a lesson at all! No, silence in the matter is your best
Keep all of your revenge-fantasy stories and poetry at home. If
have to bring other people in, be extremely careful about your
There’s no telling who will turn rat, so also be prepared to silence
your best friend at the first sign of a whiny tattletale.
You’ll have to have an escape plan.
Obviously, after you’ve riddled ten or eleven of your classmates with
lead, there will be people out for you. You’ll want to be safely
away before the police arrive. More than anybody else, the police
are your enemy. They would see you stifled and oppressed more
anyone, so you want to avoid entanglements with them. They
you, and are probably better-armed, so you do not stand a chance.
You can win against numbers (such as you vs. the student body) only
you are in possession of superior firepower. Kill who you feel
die, and GET OUT. Don’t hang around to make speeches.
your appearance, or otherwise disguising yourself is a good idea.
Don’t limit yourself. Guns are fun and
very productive when it comes to lessons, but there are other ways to
Bombs are a classic. The best of the
best use bombs. Mr. McVeigh. That guy who lived in the
and wrote manifestos, the Irish Republican Army. Even the brave
of our proud country use bombs to teach bad people lessons. And
want to be brave and proud, do we not? Of course. Besides,
things that explode are really cool.
Again though, there should be no advance
If you call in a bomb threat, then obviously people are going to be
to a safe place. There should be absolutely no warning that a
of fire is about to consume the school building. If you really
that a statement needs to be made, call in a fake threat. Say
there is a bomb in the building, but lie. Do not plant a bomb
The real bomb should be in the place where the students are
Call in your threat or leave a manifesto, and get the hell out of
This is good psychological warfare, as well. The victims of your
personal jihad will believe that action has been taken to ensure their
safety, and will be sitting around chatting, “safe” in their little
of cell phones and MTV pop culture, and then in the blink of an eye,
will be devoured by flames.
Or, like some enterprising young minds, you
could go all-out and combine things. Work for months to rig
around the school, and one day waltz in with guns almost as large as
open fire for a while, and then blow shit up. But do it the smart
way. Don’t hang around and take hostages. This is the
of stupidity. Hostages are a liability, and will only distract
while SWAT teams are pouring through the skylights to take you and your
comrades away. Instead, kill a few people at gunpoint. Get
the ones whom you have personal vendettas against, and then set the
and run before the authorities can arrive. Since you have a gun,
nobody will be able to stand in your way. Plow through them in a
hail of hot, holy lead. You won’t be able to hang around and
your handiwork firsthand, but take comfort in the fact that you’ll be
to get full coverage on the news. This is when you will truly
that you’ve succeeded. When you see the smoldering crater of your
old school plastered on every single station on TV, with cops and FBI
swarming all over the place, and dramatic footage of your oppressors
hauled away upon bloodstained stretchers, you will be able to smile
pride, enjoying your freedom. At that point, all you’ll have to
is lay low. Eventually, it will all blow over and you will be
to return to society and write a book about your adventures.
It is a very drastic action. Murder
and wanton destruction should only be used as a last resort, because of
the compromising situation it will put you in. It will all be
it, though, and you will have the last laugh, if you plan carefully and
take all the proper actions to ensure your escape.
But you will show them. Oh yes, you
will show them all.