Take Your Guns To School

     Yes.  That’s right, kiddies, I endorse the use of violence as a solution to your problems.  Recent nationwide events have proven that it is not only feasible, but trendy to smuggle one or more guns into your school and open fire upon those who have wronged you.

     With increasing frequency, the young people of America are waking up to the fact that some people never learn, and that the only way to overcome their thickheaded stupidity is to pierce their mortal flesh with volleys of ammunition from daddy’s piece.  It is a sadly overlooked fact that, in our proud nation’s public school systems, thousands upon thousands of young men and women are being tormented, scorned, abused, and alienated by their peers.  School Administrators have too often proven themselves impotent in controlling this, and putting a stop to the abuse of these poor souls.  Principals, vice-principals, and teachers alike repeatedly display only an interest in pampering the good little boys and girls who play sports, or run for student government positions, or belong to the clique of shallow pop-culture cookie cutter sheep who blindly follow the dogma of their friends at the expense of those who dare to shrug off the chains of conformity.  Indeed, these same administrators themselves treat the “outcasts” unfairly.  As one of these outcasts myself, I can attest to the truth of this vulgar situation.

     So, clearly, it is up to the nerds, losers, geeks, dweebs, and pussies to set things right.  Only through bloodshed will their oppressors learn their hard lesson.  What better way to humble a bully than to force him to watch as you put a bullet through the face of his best friend?  Do you think he will ever forget the warmth of his comrade’s blood splattering wetly across his face?  No.  He will remember that feeling ever time he sees you, from now until the end of his days.

     When you open fire randomly into the teeming crowd of a school cafeteria with a semiautomatic weapon, you show people that you are a take-charge kind of individual.  You show them you are fearless, that you are ruthless, that you will do whatever it takes to get on top of a bad situation and change things for the better.  You will be respected and honored for your willingness to shed blood for a greater cause.  You name will be placed with the names of great generals and warriors who accepted that they must sacrifice the lives of others to protect the People.

     Never will you match the sense of power you feel when the gun recoils in your hand, and you watch as the skull of somebody who tormented you is blown open, and his lifeless body falls to the polished gymnasium floor, cooling in an expanding puddle of his hateful blood.  That, truly, is power.  It is how God himself feels when He smites the oppressors of His People.  Do you wish to know what it is to be God?  Of course you do.  How can you achieve this sensation?  Feel it course through you arm with the sharp kick of a highly polished Glock.

     However, school shootings, like everything else in the world, must be performed correctly.  This means thinking things through.  You should not simply walk in and shoot randomly.  You might not hit anybody at all that way!  And while property damage is cool and all, it’s not going to get your point across.  Only the spilling of blood will do.  It would be wise to have supplies stockpiled in advance.  Work up to it.  Smuggle your weapons in gradually, and keep them somewhere they won’t be found.  NOT your locker, or with any personal belongings.  They will be found quickly this way, due to locker searches performed by the school.

     Never announce your plans in any way.  Do not write graffiti making ominous predictions that the school will die in X number of days.  Don’t ever make jokes about revenge, and never speak of it at all on or off campus.  If word gets round to the wrong person, you could be turned in before you’ve taken any action at all.  Then all of your suffering will have been in vain, and nobody will have learned a lesson at all!  No, silence in the matter is your best bet.  Keep all of your revenge-fantasy stories and poetry at home.  If you have to bring other people in, be extremely careful about your choices.  There’s no telling who will turn rat, so also be prepared to silence even your best friend at the first sign of a whiny tattletale.

     You’ll have to have an escape plan.  Obviously, after you’ve riddled ten or eleven of your classmates with hot lead, there will be people out for you.  You’ll want to be safely away before the police arrive.  More than anybody else, the police are your enemy.  They would see you stifled and oppressed more than anyone, so you want to avoid entanglements with them.  They outnumber you, and are probably better-armed, so you do not stand a chance.  You can win against numbers (such as you vs. the student body) only when you are in possession of superior firepower.  Kill who you feel must die, and GET OUT.  Don’t hang around to make speeches.  Changing your appearance, or otherwise disguising yourself is a good idea.

     Don’t limit yourself.  Guns are fun and very productive when it comes to lessons, but there are other ways to make people learn.

     Bombs are a classic.  The best of the best use bombs.  Mr. McVeigh.  That guy who lived in the shack and wrote manifestos, the Irish Republican Army.  Even the brave soldiers of our proud country use bombs to teach bad people lessons.  And we want to be brave and proud, do we not?  Of course.  Besides, things that explode are really cool.

     Again though, there should be no advance warning.  If you call in a bomb threat, then obviously people are going to be moved to a safe place.  There should be absolutely no warning that a ball of fire is about to consume the school building.  If you really feel that a statement needs to be made, call in a fake threat.  Say that there is a bomb in the building, but lie.  Do not plant a bomb there.  The real bomb should be in the place where the students are shepherded.  Call in your threat or leave a manifesto, and get the hell out of Dodge.  This is good psychological warfare, as well.  The victims of your personal jihad will believe that action has been taken to ensure their safety, and will be sitting around chatting, “safe” in their little worlds of cell phones and MTV pop culture, and then in the blink of an eye, they will be devoured by flames.

     Or, like some enterprising young minds, you could go all-out and combine things.  Work for months to rig explosives around the school, and one day waltz in with guns almost as large as yourself, open fire for a while, and then blow shit up.  But do it the smart way.  Don’t hang around and take hostages.  This is the height of stupidity.  Hostages are a liability, and will only distract you while SWAT teams are pouring through the skylights to take you and your comrades away.  Instead, kill a few people at gunpoint.  Get the ones whom you have personal vendettas against, and then set the bombs and run before the authorities can arrive.  Since you have a gun, nobody will be able to stand in your way.  Plow through them in a hail of hot, holy lead.  You won’t be able to hang around and enjoy your handiwork firsthand, but take comfort in the fact that you’ll be able to get full coverage on the news.  This is when you will truly know that you’ve succeeded.  When you see the smoldering crater of your old school plastered on every single station on TV, with cops and FBI agents swarming all over the place, and dramatic footage of your oppressors being hauled away upon bloodstained stretchers, you will be able to smile with pride, enjoying your freedom.  At that point, all you’ll have to do is lay low.  Eventually, it will all blow over and you will be able to return to society and write a book about your adventures.

     It is a very drastic action.  Murder and wanton destruction should only be used as a last resort, because of the compromising situation it will put you in.  It will all be worth it, though, and you will have the last laugh, if you plan carefully and take all the proper actions to ensure your escape.

     But you will show them.  Oh yes, you will show them all.