Take Your Guns To School
Yes. That’s right, kiddies, I endorse
the use of violence as a solution to your problems. Recent
nationwide
events have proven that it is not only feasible, but trendy to smuggle
one or more guns into your school and open fire upon those who have
wronged
you.
With increasing frequency, the young people
of America are waking up to the fact that some people never learn, and
that the only way to overcome their thickheaded stupidity is to pierce
their mortal flesh with volleys of ammunition from daddy’s piece.
It is a sadly overlooked fact that, in our proud nation’s public school
systems, thousands upon thousands of young men and women are being
tormented,
scorned, abused, and alienated by their peers. School
Administrators
have too often proven themselves impotent in controlling this, and
putting
a stop to the abuse of these poor souls. Principals,
vice-principals,
and teachers alike repeatedly display only an interest in pampering the
good little boys and girls who play sports, or run for student
government
positions, or belong to the clique of shallow pop-culture cookie cutter
sheep who blindly follow the dogma of their friends at the expense of
those
who dare to shrug off the chains of conformity. Indeed, these
same
administrators themselves treat the “outcasts” unfairly. As one
of
these outcasts myself, I can attest to the truth of this vulgar
situation.
So, clearly, it is up to the nerds, losers,
geeks, dweebs, and pussies to set things right. Only through
bloodshed
will their oppressors learn their hard lesson. What better way to
humble a bully than to force him to watch as you put a bullet through
the
face of his best friend? Do you think he will ever forget the
warmth
of his comrade’s blood splattering wetly across his face?
No.
He will remember that feeling ever time he sees you, from now until the
end of his days.
When you open fire randomly into the teeming
crowd of a school cafeteria with a semiautomatic weapon, you show
people
that you are a take-charge kind of individual. You show them you
are fearless, that you are ruthless, that you will do whatever it takes
to get on top of a bad situation and change things for the
better.
You will be respected and honored for your willingness to shed blood
for
a greater cause. You name will be placed with the names of great
generals and warriors who accepted that they must sacrifice the lives
of
others to protect the People.
Never will you match the sense of power you
feel when the gun recoils in your hand, and you watch as the skull of
somebody
who tormented you is blown open, and his lifeless body falls to the
polished
gymnasium floor, cooling in an expanding puddle of his hateful
blood.
That, truly, is power. It is how God himself feels when He smites
the oppressors of His People. Do you wish to know what it is to
be
God? Of course you do. How can you achieve this
sensation?
Feel it course through you arm with the sharp kick of a highly polished
Glock.
However, school shootings, like everything
else in the world, must be performed correctly. This means
thinking
things through. You should not simply walk in and shoot
randomly.
You might not hit anybody at all that way! And while property
damage
is cool and all, it’s not going to get your point across. Only
the
spilling of blood will do. It would be wise to have supplies
stockpiled
in advance. Work up to it. Smuggle your weapons in
gradually,
and keep them somewhere they won’t be found. NOT your locker, or
with any personal belongings. They will be found quickly this
way,
due to locker searches performed by the school.
Never announce your plans in any way.
Do not write graffiti making ominous predictions that the school will
die
in X number of days. Don’t ever make jokes about revenge, and
never
speak of it at all on or off campus. If word gets round to the
wrong
person, you could be turned in before you’ve taken any action at
all.
Then all of your suffering will have been in vain, and nobody will have
learned a lesson at all! No, silence in the matter is your best
bet.
Keep all of your revenge-fantasy stories and poetry at home. If
you
have to bring other people in, be extremely careful about your
choices.
There’s no telling who will turn rat, so also be prepared to silence
even
your best friend at the first sign of a whiny tattletale.
You’ll have to have an escape plan.
Obviously, after you’ve riddled ten or eleven of your classmates with
hot
lead, there will be people out for you. You’ll want to be safely
away before the police arrive. More than anybody else, the police
are your enemy. They would see you stifled and oppressed more
than
anyone, so you want to avoid entanglements with them. They
outnumber
you, and are probably better-armed, so you do not stand a chance.
You can win against numbers (such as you vs. the student body) only
when
you are in possession of superior firepower. Kill who you feel
must
die, and GET OUT. Don’t hang around to make speeches.
Changing
your appearance, or otherwise disguising yourself is a good idea.
Don’t limit yourself. Guns are fun and
very productive when it comes to lessons, but there are other ways to
make
people learn.
Bombs are a classic. The best of the
best use bombs. Mr. McVeigh. That guy who lived in the
shack
and wrote manifestos, the Irish Republican Army. Even the brave
soldiers
of our proud country use bombs to teach bad people lessons. And
we
want to be brave and proud, do we not? Of course. Besides,
things that explode are really cool.
Again though, there should be no advance
warning.
If you call in a bomb threat, then obviously people are going to be
moved
to a safe place. There should be absolutely no warning that a
ball
of fire is about to consume the school building. If you really
feel
that a statement needs to be made, call in a fake threat. Say
that
there is a bomb in the building, but lie. Do not plant a bomb
there.
The real bomb should be in the place where the students are
shepherded.
Call in your threat or leave a manifesto, and get the hell out of
Dodge.
This is good psychological warfare, as well. The victims of your
personal jihad will believe that action has been taken to ensure their
safety, and will be sitting around chatting, “safe” in their little
worlds
of cell phones and MTV pop culture, and then in the blink of an eye,
they
will be devoured by flames.
Or, like some enterprising young minds, you
could go all-out and combine things. Work for months to rig
explosives
around the school, and one day waltz in with guns almost as large as
yourself,
open fire for a while, and then blow shit up. But do it the smart
way. Don’t hang around and take hostages. This is the
height
of stupidity. Hostages are a liability, and will only distract
you
while SWAT teams are pouring through the skylights to take you and your
comrades away. Instead, kill a few people at gunpoint. Get
the ones whom you have personal vendettas against, and then set the
bombs
and run before the authorities can arrive. Since you have a gun,
nobody will be able to stand in your way. Plow through them in a
hail of hot, holy lead. You won’t be able to hang around and
enjoy
your handiwork firsthand, but take comfort in the fact that you’ll be
able
to get full coverage on the news. This is when you will truly
know
that you’ve succeeded. When you see the smoldering crater of your
old school plastered on every single station on TV, with cops and FBI
agents
swarming all over the place, and dramatic footage of your oppressors
being
hauled away upon bloodstained stretchers, you will be able to smile
with
pride, enjoying your freedom. At that point, all you’ll have to
do
is lay low. Eventually, it will all blow over and you will be
able
to return to society and write a book about your adventures.
It is a very drastic action. Murder
and wanton destruction should only be used as a last resort, because of
the compromising situation it will put you in. It will all be
worth
it, though, and you will have the last laugh, if you plan carefully and
take all the proper actions to ensure your escape.
But you will show them. Oh yes, you
will show them all.