It's a Conspiracy!

The Government is planning to abolish Kansas and let Nebraska take over. Why? It is a well-known fact that Kansas has been the center of controversy in America's history:

- The decision over letting voters choose whether or not Kansas should be a free state or a slave state was a HUGE catalyst for the Civil War.
- Brown v. The Board of Education proved that seperate could never be equal.
- In the late 1800's, the Kansas Republican Party challenged member's of the "Old Guard" of the GOP because they wanted reform. This lead to Teddy Roosevelt eventually becoming President and a national progressive movement that changed America forever.
- In 1897, the nation's leading Socalist Newspaper was written and printed in Kansas. In this paper, Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle" was first printed. For those of you who don't know, "The Jungle" is a book about the horrible conditions of meat packing plants and, by implication, American capitalism.
- During Prohibition all the nutballs who went around with hatchets destroying bars...yup, that started in Kansas.
- The nation scorned Kansas when evolution wasn't to be taught in highschool.
- Hell, the state's motto is “Ad Astra Per Aspera” Latin for “To the stars through difficulty”. Causing problems seems to be what we are best at.

It isn't as if it is all our fault, since the mid 1800's the government has been building prisons in Kansas and shipping their trouble makers here, but they don't want to acknowledge that.

So, Kansas has been known to stir up trouble. With the actions of the US Government being protested all around the world, it finds itself under increasing pressure. One spark and things could explode (literally and figuratively). Looking through history, which state has been known to provide such a spark? Kansas.

So they want to get rid of us.

We now know the cause of the abolishment and that once Kansas is abolished, the land has to belong to some state. But why Nebraska? Why not Oklahoma, Colorado, or Missouri (shudder)? Missouri was the leading candidate because they have been trying to take over Kansas for years. They already stole Kansas City. However, there isn't enough similarity between Kansas and Missouri in the eyes of the average American non-Kansan resident. Colorado wouldn't work because when people think of Colorado, they think of mountains. Kansas doesn't have mountains. Oklahoma is out of the picture because the average American remembers Oklahoma as "that one state with the pan handle thingy." If Oklahoma was to get the Kansas land, their pan handle would disappear and they would lose their identity. Then the Indians would be pissed. Again.

Nebraska and Kansas, now there is a different story. There have been case studies done that, when asked to write in the names of the states on a blank map, 97.5% of highschoolers confuse Kansas and Nebraska. Even those who live in Kansas and Nebraska. So if people can't remember which is which in the first place, what is to stop one from disappearing entirely? Also, in the mind of most people, Kansas and Nebraska are both farming states and their names have a similiar sound to them.
Nebraska wants all the Kansas land for a couple of reasons. The first being that in 1903 in Dexter, Kansas, while drilling for oil, the nations first helium supply was discovered. Forget oil my friends, helium is going to take over as the natural resource of choice when it comes to power the world of the future.

The second reason is that Nebraska is still miffed about the Kansas-Nebraska act of 1854. This act made Kansas a seperate territory. Nebraska feels like that Kansas is rightfully their land and that President Pierce robbed them. When the act also allowed the choice of free or slave state to the residents of Kansas (thus starting the Civil War), Nebraska was jealous of the attention Kansas was getting. That was their attention that Kansas was getting. Since then, Nebraska has always hated Kansas. This land should be theirs and the attention given Kansas should be attention given Nebraska.

The third reason is that, let's be honest, there is nothing to do in Nebraska but obsess over Cornhusker sports. It is a religion up there and, as with any good religion, they want to force(also known as 'converting', 'showing the light', and 'bringing salvation') the rest of the world into being Cornhusker fans. With Kansas no longer existing, there can't be a KU or K-State. They would just become part of the University of Nebraska. This would help the Cornhuskers out in football (because then they wouldn't have to play K-State in football, thereby helping their ranking in the new "Big 10"), basketball (same reason as above, only this time it is KU's basketball team), and in number of fans, because with KU and K-State being gone, who are the fans going to root for? Mizzou? Don't make me punch you.

Also, Kansas has the world's biggest ball of twine. Nebraska desperately needs a tourist attraction and those yokels can't think of anything that anyone would rather see than the worlds biggest ball of twine.

Now, in referencing back to Sean's post, this is where CNN and NASA come in. Kansas won't exist and Nebraska will take over... but how does the government tell people? Simple, gradually phase out Kansas. First,since map companies get their information from NASA satellites, NASA can inform them of the change. Map companies would bring this to the attention of the American public, but the government could easily increase regulations in the map industry, which would force the prices to rise to a point where the average consumer would be forced to buy government made maps only. So, in order to stay in business, they must comply.

CNN has long been a tool for the government. Oh sure they preach objectivity and such, but if you were crooked, wouldn't you? Now, the government knows that CNN is a respected news site and that many people log on and check the news multiple times a day. By CNN showing maps with the new, 49 state United States people will slowly become accustomed to the idea. Here's the genius, most people don't know they are being accustomed to the idea. Honestly, how many people out there noticed from the start that Kansas was 'wrongly labeled'. Even after Sean's message it still took me a minute to notice what he was talking about, and I was looking for something wrong.

Maybe 50 years from now someone might say "Didn't there used to be a Kansas?" The answer they will get will be something to the effect of "I think just kinda...went away." By that time it will be too late.

That is why I am saying we fight back! Don't let Kansas fade from the memory of America. Don't sit still and watch Cornhusker Red slowly seep over Jayhawk Crimson and Blue and Wildcat Purple! Let us keep our ball of twine!

Here's the plan! We launch a pre-emptive stike on Nebraska. I'm chargin' all of you with a mission. Head north! If you seem something with a Cornhusker logo, Smash it! If you see someone wearing Cornhusker clothing, kill them! If you see a Mizzou fan, kill them (this has nothing to do the the Nebraska take over, it's just a nice dream of mine)! Don't let the government take away your identity as a Kansan (hey, it is better than being a Nebraskite)! We shall fight and we shall overcome!