Words of Advice
This was originally written as my senior
for my school newspaper. The
unfortunate part is what I wanted to say could not fit in the space
provided so I decided to
expand it here. For those of you who are not seniors, you can ignore
the first part of the
it's finally time to leave high
school. YEAH! WOOHOO! YIPPY
SKIPPY! Anyways, I have a few of advice and little sayings about life
for all the rest of
the senior class (yeah, I know, everyone is giving you advice right
now, but hey, why not
a little more?).
If you fall off the horse, don't be afraid
to get back on, be terrified; deep down
horses are evil. And if it is a gift horse, don't look it in the mouth
because horses don't
brush their teeth and they have really bad breath.
Early to bed and early and early to rise makes
a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. It
also makes him socially dead and pretty boring to be around. Although
if the person
works the night shift, early to bed and early to rise means they are
up late compared to
the rest of us do they must be the life of the party.
A penny saved is a penny earned. Who cares?
A penny is only worth one cent (duh)
and you can't buy anything with a penny.
There is a silver lining to every cloud.
clouds are really high up and
hard to reach. For all of you guys out there: it doesn't matter because
girls want gold, not
A stitch in time saves nine. A stitch in
saves nine? What the hell does that
mean? How do you stitch time? Saves nine what? I'm leaving this one
Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once
in a while. Good for the fuzzy tailed
rodent. What does this have to do with you? I have no clue.
Every dog has his day. Unfortunately for
dog he got run over by a big truck
the very next day.
Never say never. Shouldn't that read,
ever say never"?
Cheaters never win and winners never cheat.
This is simply untrue. I submit as
evidence my record of never having lost in Monopoly. I cheat and I
There is no "I" in team. True, but
is an "I" win.
Tomorrow is another day. I hope so. This
is simply depressing. This just
means that tomorrow could suck as much as today does.
Into every life a little rain must fall.
two really depressing ones in a row.
Let's just go to the next one.
Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. The rabbit
is bigger than the kids, why doesn't he
just step on them and take the Trix? Why do I wonder about cartoon
The grass is always greener on the other
If you try to prove this one you'll be
running around in circles for days so don't bother. Unless you get
a mirror, then by all
means please try to find the relevance of this saying.
Trying to put the "fun" back in funeral is
not a good idea. Trust me.
Beware the Ides of March. This is only
if you just happen to be a
Roman Emperor. Not a problem for most of us.
WARNING: The next saying can be taken as sexist. If you are
these things then please skip the next three lines.
This one is for the guys. Women, can't live
them, can't live without them. Of
course we can't live without them, sheep can't cook or clean. AND guys
can't have babies
(thank you lord) so the entire human race would die out anyways.
Change is good. I hate change. You never have
enough to go through a tollbooth
or just buy a candy bar. Why can't we just abolish change?
There is no use crying over spilt milk. Yeah,
forget about the milk and go get a
Nice guys finish last. So nice guys, if you
want to keep your girlfriend forget the
romantic crap and smack the hell out her.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Of course
not, go for the jugular.
Don't bite off more than you can chew. Why
not? You can always spit out the part that you cannot chew and save it
Don't count your chickens before they are
hatched. When eggs hatch they produce
chicks, not chickens. They grow up to be chickens. The chicks could
get eaten by a rat or
run over by a truck before they grow up to be chickens. Shouldn't it
read "Don't count
your chickens before they grow up."?
Never take wooden nickels. Ignore the wooden
nickels, there is a fortune to be
made in wooden quarters.
Don't make mountains out of molehills. How
do you know that all mountains
aren't really molehills. Hills made by really big moles that live in
the center of the earth.
Giant moles that secretly run the entire world by using mind control
on all of the world's
leaders. Giant moles that plan to kill all humans and return to the
surface of the earth and
advance their own culture until one day they take to the stars and
colonize the universe.
Universal domination is their ultimate goal. We must kill them now.
Sorry, that got away
Always look out for number 1. Forget number
1, it's 12 that is the sneaky number.
More will come in the future when I take the
time to think more up and come up
with smart ass remarks.