Words of Advice 
     This was originally written as my senior editorial for my school newspaper. The unfortunate part is what I wanted to say could not fit in the space provided so I decided to expand it here. For those of you who are not seniors, you can ignore the first part of the editorial.
    Well seniors, it's finally time to leave high school. YEAH! WOOHOO! YIPPY SKIPPY! Anyways, I have a few of advice and little sayings about life for all the rest of the senior class (yeah, I know, everyone is giving you advice right now, but hey, why not a little more?).

     If you fall off the horse, don't be afraid to get back on, be terrified; deep down horses are evil. And if it is a gift horse, don't look it in the mouth because horses don't brush their teeth and they have really bad breath.
   
     Early to bed and early and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. It also makes him socially dead and pretty boring to be around. Although if the person works the night shift, early to bed and early to rise means they are up late compared to the rest of us do they must be the life of the party.

     A penny saved is a penny earned. Who cares? A penny is only worth one cent (duh) and you can't buy anything with a penny.

     There is a silver lining to every cloud. However, clouds are really high up and hard to reach. For all of you guys out there: it doesn't matter because girls want gold, not silver.

     A stitch in time saves nine. A stitch in time saves nine? What the hell does that mean? How do you stitch time? Saves nine what? I'm leaving this one alone.

     Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while. Good for the fuzzy tailed rodent. What does this have to do with you? I have no clue.

     Every dog has his day. Unfortunately for the dog he got run over by a big truck the very next day.

     Never say never. Shouldn't that read, "Don't ever say never"?

     Cheaters never win and winners never cheat. This is simply untrue. I submit as evidence my record of never having lost in Monopoly. I cheat and I win.

     There is no "I" in team.  True, but there is an "I" win.

     Tomorrow is another day. I hope so. This saying is simply depressing. This just means that tomorrow could suck as much as today does.

     Into every life a little rain must fall. Ooh, two really depressing ones in a row. Let's just go to the next one.

     Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. The rabbit is bigger than the kids, why doesn't he just step on them and take the Trix? Why do I wonder about cartoon commercials?

     The grass is always greener on the other side. If you try to prove this one you'll be running around in circles for days so don't bother. Unless you get a mirror, then by all means please try to find the relevance of this saying.

     Trying to put the "fun" back in funeral is not a good idea. Trust me.

     Beware the Ides of March. This is only important if you just happen to be a Roman Emperor. Not a problem for most of us.

WARNING: The next saying can be taken as sexist. If you are sensitive about
these things then please skip the next three lines.

     This one is for the guys. Women, can't live with them, can't live without them. Of course we can't live without them, sheep can't cook or clean. AND guys can't have babies (thank you lord) so the entire human race would die out anyways.

     Change is good. I hate change. You never have enough to go through a tollbooth or just buy a candy bar. Why can't we just abolish change?

     There is no use crying over spilt milk. Yeah, forget about the milk and go get a beer.

     Nice guys finish last. So nice guys, if you want to keep your girlfriend forget the romantic crap and smack the hell out her.

     Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Of course not, go for the jugular.

     Don't bite off more than you can chew. Why not? You can always spit out the part that you cannot chew and save it for later.

     Don't count your chickens before they are hatched. When eggs hatch they produce chicks, not chickens. They grow up to be chickens. The chicks could get eaten by a rat or run over by a truck before they grow up to be chickens. Shouldn't it read "Don't count your chickens before they grow up."?

     Never take wooden nickels. Ignore the wooden nickels, there is a fortune to be made in wooden quarters.

     Don't make mountains out of molehills. How do you know that all mountains aren't really molehills. Hills made by really big moles that live in the center of the earth. Giant moles that secretly run the entire world by using mind control on all of the world's leaders. Giant moles that plan to kill all humans and return to the surface of the earth and advance their own culture until one day they take to the stars and colonize the universe. Universal domination is their ultimate goal. We must kill them now. Sorry, that got away from me.

     Always look out for number 1. Forget number 1, it's 12 that is the sneaky number. 

     More will come in the future when I take the time to think more up and come up with smart ass remarks.